The Wrestler unmasked
Istanbul, Turkey. Such a fitting country name for "The Bachelorette" right now because so far, this season (and Ali in particular) is turning out to be one giant dud.
As the show opens, Ali tells the camera that she feels totally confident that nothing bad can possibly happen right now. We know this isn't true, and as soon as the words come out of her mouth Chris knocks on the door and tells Ali that … *cue ominous music as the phone rings seven hundred times before it's picked up by last season’s Jesse * … Justin has a girlfriend and her name is Jessica.
And guess what? Jessica is right there, and appears on camera to tell Ali about Rated R's devious plan to use the show for publicity. How dare he? It's not as if anyone else has ever done this before (cough, cough, JakeandWes, cough, cough). Ali is "pissed," both at herself for falling for his lines and at Justin for being such a Rated D douche. "I want him on the first plane back to Canada," she says. "He's not going to embarrass me," she adds.
After the break, Ali rehashes everything we just sat through two minutes ago, you know, just in case we forgot. Ali and Chris head over to the boys' hotel room, and she begins to let loose on Justin. Justin, being the big man that he is, walks away and tries to peace out. Ali doesn’t want him to get away so easily, and takes off after him. He tries to escape to the hotel restaurant but even the waiter won't let him in. He's sauntering about the grounds and making a complete ass of himself while Ali won't give up; ya know, this is actually turning out to be one of the show's funnier moments.
Wait, is Justin actually coming back? Perhaps he realized he left his dignity and manhood somewhere and wants them back. Too late, dude, those were lost well before you came on the show. Anyway, after several minutes of awkward silence, he tries to concoct a story about falling for her in the process and that he only considers his girlfriend as his "best friend."
Eventually he offers a hollow apology and once again walks away. "I hate Justin for doing this to me," she says. As the camera follows Justin leaving, the producers play us voicemails that he left his girlfriend declaring his undying love for her. I must admit that this makes for another awesome moment in reality television, but on the other hand it just proves how futile the concept of "The Bachelor" is for actually finding love.
Ali and Ty steam it up
Can these last 15 minutes be topped? I doubt it, but let's see…
While the guys are going off about what an ass Justin is/was, a one-on-one date card is shoved under the door. Ty is the (un)lucky candidate, and Ali meets him in the middle of the city. It's his first time to Europe, and Ali is more than happy to act as tour guide. They hit up a Turkish steam bath and Ali is wearing two towels in place of a bikini.
It's time for a massage, and Ty gets his hands rolling. Back at the hotel, the boys get another date card. Chris, Roberto, Kirk and Craig (who hasn't had a one-on-one yet) get the group date. Now Ali is massaging Ty, and they kiss ever so softly (gawd I am seriously going to peee-oook). After the steam bath, they hit up an outdoor restaurant patio with a beautiful view. As they're engaging in inane conversation, I'm thinking that ABC could learn a lot from the porn industry by not giving viewers the money shot right away. Because since the Justin smackdown earlier, everything has been pretty limp.
Ty seems like an OK guy, but these two have about as much chemistry as Cruise and Diaz. Despite her (and my) concerns, Ali ends the date by presenting him with a rose. Hold on, the date's not over, and we're forced to watch more of these two as they dance and kiss on the street.
Group date – oil wrestling
Time for the group date, and Ali is standing at the top of the castle. Seeing this, one of the guys (does it really matter who?) makes reference to it being a Rapunzel moment. Umm, last time I checked, Rapunzel wasn't wearing extensions. What's up for the group date, you ask? Judging from the huge oiled-up Turkish guys, it could be a Turkish version of Sumo wrestling. I'm wrong — it's not Sumo, it's olive oil wrestling!
Ali brings out a pitcher filled with olive oil and pours it all over the boys. To me the pitcher resembles Aladdin's lamp, and if I could reach out and make my three wishes I would gladly use them all up just to make this show go away.
But I digress. On to the wrestling! Chris is up first, and he loses. Kirk is next and also loses. Ditto for Roberto and Craig. Bachelors go 0 for 4, ladies and gentlemen. Wait! Justin, upon hearing that the boys are wrestling, finds his way back onto the set and jumps in and saves Chris from the pin. What? Where was the referee? Oh, he was being distracted by Roberto.
Nah, I'm just kidding. One could wish, can't they? Craig and Roberto win their singles matches, and the two grapple it out for some private time. And, surprisingly, Craig pins Roberto and wins a silly looking trophy for his efforts.
As Craig and Ali spend time on board a nice boat, Frank regales us with more of his jealous ramblings. We get it, dude: you hate when other guys are alone with Ali. Craig gushes about how he "never met anyone" like her, and already I'm getting bored of these two. Back at the hotel, the inevitable Frank date card arrives. Nothing interesting happens or is said. Craig tells the camera she is his future wife, but, still, no chemistry.
Frank and Ali reconnect
One-on-one date time, and Frank is beside himself with excitement while Ali has her apprehensions. They hit up a spice bazaar and sample aphrodisiacs and try on some interesting clothes. Ali finds a genie outfit, but my attempts at making wishes telekinetically through the TV fail. Damn, the show is still on.
I'll try again: Ala Kazaam! Ala Kazaam! Ala Kazaam! Still on? Yup. Oh well … They're still shopping and more boredom ensues. They enter a gorgeous cistern, and I have to admit I'm jealous they're getting to experience something so beautiful. This romantic setting is completely wasted on these two, who are exuding anything but romance tonight. They talk about their respective journeys and other random psychobabble. Ali offers up the rose and Frank gladly accepts. Ala Kazaam?
The boys gather for the sausage party, and talk about how much they want to stay. Ali summons Chris to chat and reveals that there's no need for a cocktail party because she knows exactly whom she wants out. The guys are concerned that the party hasn't started yet while Chris and Ali redundantly rehash her decision. Chris drops the bomb on the boys that Ali is ready to proceed directly to the rose ceremony, and the guys kill time with even more redundant chatter.
Which five guys are going to continue? Frank and Ty already have theirs, so the three roses go to: Roberto, Chris and … Kirk. Craig is going home, and he looks heartbroken. Sorry, dude, the jury finds you guilty of being unable to spark up enough chemistry with the plaintiff. Your sentence is to leave the show and return to your life as an attorney. Consider yourself lucky, Craigers.
Next week? Lisbon, Portugal, where Ali falls in love with all five men. They move to Utah and marry. The end.
If only …