A Goodbye Filled With Mixed Emotions

The day Michael Jackson died, I immediately made a mental note of gratitude for the singer’s contribution to my youth.

While my teenaged children and I watched the memorial, I wrote my second attempt at saying goodbye to the person whose famous life spanned mine thus far. But, instead of recounting Jackson’s life, I’m starting by analyzing myself to try to figure out the ambiguous relationship I maintained with the pop idol over the years.

Watching the intense media coverage about the unexpected death of this greatly gifted man has summoned a mixed bag of emotions. Was I judgmental of Michael Jackson’s untraditional behavior? Why was it difficult for me to accept his continually-morphing face when his music had already filled my soul?

Why are my teens asking why they feel sad, and listening to Jackson’s hits over and over as if this would bring him back?

 
In the '70s and '80s, I fervently played the Jacksons’ music. In 1987, living in London, I managed to be part of the historical concert series at Wembley Stadium where over 500,000 fans paid to watch him glide across the stage. In the late 1990s, reports of his bizarre behavior started to surface, and it slowly became unpopular to openly show your support for Michael Jackson -- especially after the much publicized trial over the child molestation charges brought against him.

Though the smooth dancer was acquitted of all charges, it remained unacceptable to be a Michael Jackson groupie.

As a parent, I happily introduced Michael Jackson’s music to my children recognizing the cross-generational quality of his songs, but I cringed at each of the physical transformations he underwent seemingly monthly.

His behavior became increasingly eccentric to say the least, and resulted in the media behaving just like kids do on the school playground. When the child molestation related media storm hit the singer, I watched the broadcasts about his suspected relationships with children in utter disbelief, but not totally convinced of his innocence.

While Jackson’s music kept us inspired during this turbulent time in his life, his demeanor instilled a bit of fear. And these two sentiments remained at odds within me until recently.

In retrospect, it’s painful to know that for someone who gave the world a treasure trove of award-winning music, Michael Jackson lived in self-imposed exile to avoid the news-hounding reporters. For about the last five years, the move overseas silenced his critics, and news on the Jackson front had apparently gone quiet until reports of his come back made the headlines. The ironically titled “This is It” tour, however, was to take place in London -- not in his home country.

Now that he’s gone, it’s cool to talk about where you saw him in concert or how many Michael Jackson CDs you own. Saying he was loved around the world now, after his death and witnessing the globe’s caring reaction, is truly accurate. Michael reached the farthest and most remote corners of the world with his music first and probably with his peculiar reputation later.

Just a few days since the tortured singer’s death, I found the outpour of emotion once held back for the popular performer, has been unleashed not only within me, but by the many fans who will now proudly and publicly show their love for “The Man in the Mirror."

It may not take long for the public to immortalize the ill-fated pop icon, as evidenced by the endless stream of his now openly-supportive fans -- hypocritical as this bulging fan base may seem.

Jackson’s own father, Joe Jackson, put this view into context as he spoke during a recent press conference: “The family and I are very proud to see all of you come out here and help us with this whole situation because we know that we do have fans all over the world. But one thing that I wish could have happened — I wish that Michael could be here to see all of this."

I tell my kids that Michael Jackson gave himself entirely to this generation, so much so that his personal life took a back seat.

You cry because his music touches your heart and brings a smile to your face; it makes your feet move. His sound is thrilling and makes you forget your troubles.

Today, I admit I quietly joined those who did not want to judge Michael Jackson solely based on his media reported behavior, and that as an ardent fan I chose to lay low to wait out the media storm in the safety of numbers until it all blew over.

However, the pop singer’s music never stopped playing in our home, and this explains why my two teens are emotional today; they know the words to his songs and took to heart the messages they contain: equality, tolerance and compassion.

As we bid farewell to the unquestionable King of Pop, and regardless of what our guarded opinions of his lifestyle choices maybe, I want to thank him one last time.