While clearing my head to make space for the new year/decade, I came upon these absolutely true Warren Beatty recollections. I'm never going to do anything with them. The Goodwill Store didn't want them.
Here, they're all yours...
KAA
The first time I meet him, I am led into his office on the backside of a shopping center up on Mulholland, about half a mile from his home. He is sitting on a couch. The blinds on the windows behind him are open, so that when he stands to greet me, all I can see at first is his silhouette. He’s wearing all black, which heightens the silhouette effect.
The first time I meet him, I am led into his office on the backside of a shopping center up on Mulholland, about half a mile from his home. He is sitting on a couch. The blinds on the windows behind him are open, so that when he stands to greet me, all I can see at first is his silhouette. He’s wearing all black, which heightens the silhouette effect.
The silhouette floats toward me, into a shaft of light from a skylight, revealing the famous face. Then he flashes his eyes, literally flashes them at the precise second the light catches them so that for an instant they are the brightest bluest things in the whole universe.
The effect is dizzying. “I’m Warren,” he says as we shake hands. This, I think, is how Mowgli the boy in "The Jungle Book," must have felt when he looked into the eyes of Kaa, the snake.
LIAR
Jeffrey Katzenberg enters the screening room for dailies at his usual hyper pace. Everyone is waiting on him, including Warren.
Jeffrey Katzenberg enters the screening room for dailies at his usual hyper pace. Everyone is waiting on him, including Warren.
Jeffrey apologizes to Warren, then, by way of smoothing over his tardiness, says, “You’ll be proud of me, Warren, I bench pressed 150 this morning. My new personal best.” Warren nods, lights go down, dailies roll. Fifteen minutes later, when the lights come up, the room is silent, waiting for Warren to speak.
The pause seems to go extra long.
Finally, Warren says, “I don’t like liars, Jeffrey,” he says. “And you lied to me.” The room is suddenly on full alert, like animals at a watering hole where a big cat and a water buffalo are getting ready to go at it.
“What? What are you talking about, Warren?” asks Jeffrey defensively. “About what?”
“I didn’t think you were that kind of person, and I can’t tell you how much it disappoints me that you are.”
This goes back and forth with Warren teasing Jeffrey about what particular lie he’s referring to. Jeffrey defends himself like he’s in a dark room being attacked by someone in night goggles. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
This goes back and forth a few more times until finally Warren says to Jeffrey, “The last time we talked about lifting weights, you told me your best in the bench press was 160. Today you’re saying it’s 150. You lied to me.”
Jeffrey laughs it off, breaking the tension and others in the room laugh, too. Warren only smiles mysteriously.
PLEASURE
Harrison Ford is taking a piss in the studio’s executive men’s room when someone unzips at the urinal next to him. Harrison glances over and sees that it’s Warren.
Harrison Ford is taking a piss in the studio’s executive men’s room when someone unzips at the urinal next to him. Harrison glances over and sees that it’s Warren.
“Hello, Harrison,” says Warren, and proceeds to make small talk for the rest of their time as urinal pals, while Harrison goggles at being only inches from one of the most famous penises in all of penishood.
