At his Comedy Central roast, no one hit Charlie Sheen harder than he hit himself.
"When I did 'Ferris Bueller,' my first line in the movie was 'drugs,'" he said from the podium. "I thought they were asking me how I wanted to be paid."
As Ashton Kutcher takes his place on "Two and a Half Men," Sheen submitted to a roasting Saturday night led by "Family Guy" creator Seth MacFarlane. Sheen gamely tolerated jokes by William Shatner, Mike Tyson, Jon Lovitz, Steve-O and "Roastmaster General" Jeffrey Ross. They focused on his family, firing, and — perhaps — his impending death.
But Sheen had some of the best lines. He said that through his troubles he's realized how lucky he is. "I still have a family that loves me, and that's why they're not here tonight."
He added that they've seen him in jail, "but seeing me on basic cable would kill them."
Sheen also said the roasters couldn't singe him too badly: "You can't hurt me. Hell, I can't even hurt me," he said, referencing his "Major League" character: "I'm the Wild Thing, Ricky f–king Vaughn, man."
You can see the broadcast Sept. 19. Until then, here's TheWrap's moment-by-moment recap:
7:42 p.m.: Roast master MacFarlane starts off by saying Comedy Central is too cheap to get a hype man and questions something we wondered about too: "Why are there missiles on stage?" Are these violent torpedoes of truth?
8 p.m.: The roast kicks off with Ozzy Osbourne's "Crazy Train" — also the theme of the roast promos.
8:07 p.m.: MacFarlane says Sheen's funeral on "Two and a Half Men" will be followed by his actual death in two months. He then presents a fake obit, saying it is the same as that of Amy Winehouse. The only things different are the gender, location of the body, and the part about Winehouse having talent.
8:20 p.m.: MacFarlane continues references to what he says is Sheen's impending death. He also jokes about cocaine, sexual organs and Sheen's career. He draws in roaster Jon Lovitz. Some PG highlights?
"It's pretty clear Sheen won't remember anything from the night. Lovitz — fill him in on what he missed — like his 50s."
"How do you get fired from 'Two and a Half Men'? Do they haul you in and say sorry, you don’t suck enough?"
8:25 p.m.: In Lovitz's set, he says Sheen is "nothing like character he plays on TMZ" and jabs him about drugs, prostitutes, and more drugs and prostitutes.
"How can you tell when Charlie Sheen's high? He's awake."
"How much blow can Charlie Sheen do? Enough to kill two and a half men"
"When they renegotiated his contract [for 'Two and a Half Men'], they said, 'It's drugs or hookers. We're not paying for both."
8:45 p.m.: Why is Kate Walsh here? Because everyone thinks she is a doctor and Sheen might need one. Some of her jokes really bomb — prompting her to say it is not her night — but she hits a groove. Her best joke: "Despite all those years of abusing your lungs, liver" and other organs, "the only thing you’ve had removed is your kids."
9 p.m.: Roastmaster General Jeffrey Ross raises the bar by actually focusing on Sheen. He asks Sheen, "How did you go from being TV’s highest paid actor to the highest actor on TV?"
The jokes improve from there. They include:
"Charlie, if you were winning, there's something wrong with the f—ing scoreboard."
"If you were winning, then this must not be a child's custody hearing. The only time your kids get to see you is in re-runs."
9:20 p.m.: Mike Tyson decides to steer the roast in a new direction with his poetry jam — but his poetry is a bit of a disaster. Still, he lands a few great jokes. He says Seth MacFarlane stole from Homer — of "The Simpsons" — and tells Jeffrey Ross he wanted to bite his own ears off during Ross' performance.
9:30 p.m.: Comedian Anthony Jeselnik delivers the least politically correct set so far, telling Sheen the only reason he got on TV is because God hates Michael J. Fox. He also mentions Casey Anthony's child. Beyond that, he's forgettable.
9:41 p.m.: Steve-O's attempt at stand-up does not warrant comment.
10:10 p.m.: William Shatner brings a trace of real comedy back to the stage. He starts off with a bang, telling the audience to "Keep it going for Chaz Bono" in reference to MacFarlane.
He also says Jeselnik looks like a more feminine version of Rachel Maddow, and gives Sheen some incomparable advice: "As one rocketman to another, if I may give you my most important piece of advice tonight, never ever forget to book your next rehab stay through priceline.com."
What did that plug get Shatner? He says $65.
10:20 p.m.: Patrice O'Neal caps off the roast by calling William Shatner an a–hole, comparing Mike Tyson to Muhammad Ali and asking the now-sober Steve-O to relapse. He says Tyson and Ali are similar because white people grew comfortable with both of them.
The best part of the bit? "I respect Charlie Sheen. Not his body of work, it's all been like 'yeah really?' It's all been very Christian Slater-ish. He sucks but he's good but he sucks at the same time."