Anything he wants to. Ba-dum.
Look for better jokes than that as the former heavyweight champ joins TMZ's Harvey Levin, "Jackass" Steve-O, and roast veterans Anthony Jeselnik and Jeffrey Ross in roasting Sheen next month. They were announced Monday as the first roasters in the upcoming Sheenanigans.
Also read: Charlie Sheen Roast to Air on Same Night As 'Two and a Half Men' Return
The roast will be taped Sept. 10 and air Sept. 19, the same night Ashton Kutcher debuts as Sheen's replacement on "Two and a Half Men." "Family Guy" creator Seth MacFarlane was previously announced as the Roast Master.
Ross was basically a given for the roast, given his acumen with insults and participation in Sheen's Violent Torpedo of Truth Tour. Other choices are inspired: Tyson knows what it's like to be inside a media maelstrom, and Steve-O, like Sheen, has battled drug abuse. The now-sober "Jackass" star should have plenty to say about Sheen's past penchant for seven-gram rocks.
Levin, meanwhile, at least judging from TMZ's coverage of the actor, may know Sheen better than he knows himself.