First things first: A big “bugger off!” to all the spoilers. You know who you are -- anyone using the social networking site known as “Facebook.”

But let's get to the show.

The camera panned out over the packed Nokia Theater audience, which featured “celebrities” such as Joely Fisher and “World’s First Supermodel” Janice Dickinson.

BTW ... whatever happened to the Kodak? It was good enough for me when I sat in the very last row and witnessed Kelly Clarkson’s win. Yup, I was there. Have I mentioned that yet today?

Seacrest announced that over 100 million votes came in last night. (At least a good one seventh of those had to be compliments of yours truly, voting for Kris Allen.) He also promised plenty of surprises, which took form in the sheer number of guest performances.

Then we “paid respect” to the four judges who have so “professionally” guided us through the season. By “paying respect” I think they mean “mocking them with embarrassing clips.” And I guess “professionalism” means “keeping the show in the news by having catfights via US Weekly.”

We “paid respect” to Randy first, who looked like he was auditioning for “Revenge of the Nerds V.” The producers have to be commended for not going for the obvious: his usage of the words “dawg” and “pitchy.” Instead we revisited the many times he has said “for me” and “for you.” For me though, it was funny enough, dawg, as I guess his outfit was too “recent” to be featured.

Next up was Kara’s repeated usage of the words “sweetie” and “honey” while crushing dreams. Example: “Sweetie, you seem really nice, but you should have a psychological assessment if you really thought you had a chance. Oh, and you’re fat, too.” OK, I made that quote up but they all had that same gist to them.

A lot of people have not given Kara the proper credit she deserves. I think she was an asset to this season, not only due to her singing and songwriting abilities, but also due to her commitment to cutting the BS, like, say, another female judge, which brings us to ...

The producers were clearly wary of a lawsuit when it came to Paula’s clips. Rather than poking fun at her odd metaphors or even her QVC jewelry, they opted instead to tease her for her interesting and extensive vocabulary. Not very funny, seeing as most of the words (“brilliance,” “authentic”) are ones that most of us use each day.

They should’ve just gone for the easy laugh and played back her performance of “I’m Just Here for the Music.” To use one of Paula’s vocabulary words, that was “infectious!” (Wait, “infectious” means “bad,” right, like an infection?)

Up next was Sexy ...er ... Simon Cowell and his “hearing problem.” I don’t care whether he can hear or not, as long as he shows up in his tight T-shirts and says mean things. He is the star of the show, enough said.

Seacrest brought out Kris and Adam, and we checked in with their hometowns. The nauseatingly annoying Mikalah Gordon from Season 4 was back as the Conway, Arkansas, special correspondent. (Why, God?) Last season’s rocker chick, Carly Smithson, reported from San Diego with Allison Iraheta hair.

Donned in all-white outfits, the Top 13 performed Pink’s “So What.” OMG! I had all but forgetten the hilarity that was Scott MacIntyre during choreography! At one point towards the end, it looked like the final showdown was between Glambert and him, rather than Kris, as they were the only two left onstage as the others ran through the audience. Then I realized that someone had to remain onstage to be Scott's “handler.” (Nice way to get more stage time, Adam!)

The first surprise of the night was a performance from last year’s winner David Cook. The second surprise was the tears that welled up once I listened to the lyrics of “Permanent” and realized they were written for his brother, Adam, who succumbed to brain cancer just a few weeks ago.

The evil iTunes/”Idol” empire has finally been used for the greater good, ya’ll! Cook announced that the proceeds for every iTunes download of “Permanent” would go to ABC Squared, benefitting cancer research. Get out there and download, people! You can make a difference!

Next up was a cheesy yet entertaining way to fill time (and make sure Fox got ratings for a full two hours and six minutes) with something called the “Golden Idol Awards.” “Outstanding Male” recalled the best of the worst from the first round of auditions plus ... Nick Mitchell/Norman Gentle. Nick, of course, received the award in a hooded sweatshirt and pants and then, like Clark Kent going into the phone booth, he morphed into Norman Gentle before our eyes and performed “And I Am Telling You” yet again.

Forgotten Idol Lil Rounds performed “Cue the Rain” with the amazing Queen Latifah. I love the Queen but it seems that Mary J. Blige would’ve been a better choice, as Rounds was often compared to her. Then again, Latifah is the one who had an album to promote.

After the break, Anoop Desai and Alexis Grace started off Jason Mraz’s “I’m Yours” before introducing the singer himself. Seeing Alexis Grace on stage reminded me again that she should’ve made it to at least the Top 5. And Anoop seemed very at ease just being Anoop; he didn’t offer up any of his infamous impersonations.

The three jammed out before being joined by the rest of the Top 13, minus Kris and Adam. Does “Idol” think that bringing on a star like Mraz will make us forget that they already performed this song as a group number months ago? Regardless, it was lovely.

We reviewed Kris' “journey,” and then he was joined by country superstar Keith Urban to perform “Kiss a Girl.” (My first thought was, “Where’s Nicole and Sunday Rose?”) Kris proved that he can do it all -- pop, blues, country ... frat rock. Pairing with Urban was unexpected genius; Kris is so likable that he would no doubt succeed in country, the most unpretentious of all musical genres.

Next up were the five girls of the Top 13 singing Fergie’s “Glamorous.” I guess at some point we had to expect a tiny solo from Megan Joy Corkrey, but whether expected or not, I’m never quite prepared for the sounds that emanate from that girl’s mouth. Fergie joined the ladies for “Big Girls Don’t Cry” before the rest of the Black Eyed Peas took the stage. Cut to Megan Corkey having some kind of dance seizure in the aisle.

We got back to the “Golden Idols” with an award for “Best Attitude.” Nominees included famewhore “Bikini Girl” Katrina Darrell, crazy trainwreck Alexis Cohen, and (tranny?) Tiffany Shedd. Of course the prize went to Bikini Girl, who came out sporting frosted hair, her signature uniform and a new rack. Seacrest even quipped, “I was gonna ask you, ‘What’s new?’ But I think I know.”

I had all but forgotten her Bobble Head singing technique, but I was refreshed on it as she performed “Vision of Love” in her bikini. Then, unbeknownst to her, the curtain lifted and revealed Kara, singing the same song ... only much better. Finally! At one point, all Darrell could do was put her hand on her hip and stare. Then Kara ripped open her dress to reveal .... a bikini! It was even better than when Clay surprised his doppelganger a few years ago on the finale.

Allison performed “Time After Time” with Cyndi Lauper, proving that she should’ve been in the Top 3, if not the final round. (BTW, does Cyndi Lauper ever age?)

Hokey Gokey made it to the Top 3 so they had to give him his own number. He gave us his rendition of Lionel Richie’s “Hello,” before being joined onstage by -- you guessed it -- Lionel Richie himself. (BTW -- I wrote the last part of that sentence before it actually happened; that is how predictable it was.) Is it bad to say I enjoyed David Cook’s version from last year better?

Then they sang Richie’s recent single “Just Go” before breaking into “All Night Long.” Who doesn't love that song? It just screamed group number/street party; why didn’t they bring the other Idols out?

We followed Adam’s journey, which mentioned again that he’s been doing this since he was 10. Doesn’t quite seem fair if you ask me. Glambert then came out in even crazier shoulder pads than he normally wears (not sure if he was going for “angel” or “wasp”), “special occasion” eye makeup that featured rhinestones and a pair of platform boots that would make Ginger Spice blush. His ensemble -- and his voice -- was perfect for the KISS medley that came next. Glambert sang “Beth” and then was joined by the band for “Detroit Rock City” and “Rock and Roll All Nite.” It was a real spectacle, complete with pyrotechnics (my favorite!).

Carlos Santana took the stage next. Who would be his performance partner? Clearly Jorge Nunez, right? Wrong! It was Matt Giraud singing “Black Magic Woman.” Then the Top 13 came out for “Smooth” and Jorge did get his solo. (That muchacho should’ve made it further than he did.)

There was a Ford music video, which was basically a clip show of past Ford music videos set to Adam and Kris singing. Then they tried to act excited as David Cook presented them each with a Ford Fusion. (You know that they’ll be putting down cash on Bentleys by month’s end.)

There was yet another guest performer, comedy legend Steve Martin, who used his banjo to accompany Megan and Michael Sarver. (Ha! This time’s the joke’s on you, Mr. Martin!) Those of you who follow this column know that these two are not my favorite Idols. In fact, if I were to rank them, they’d fall behind Jorge, Anoop and that cursed Hawaiian idol from “The Brady Bunch” (but just above Lil Rounds).

The eight guys (eight!) from the Top 13 wore their skinniest ties for their version of “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy” (I do, Anoop!) before introducing a geriatric Rod Stewart to sing “Maggie May.” Don’t get me wrong; I love him, my mom loves him, and clearly Janice Dickinson loves him (Do you think they’ve ever slept together?), but I was afraid he might break a hip when he did some of his “moves.”

Back to the time-filling “Golden Idols” with the nominees for “Outstanding Female.” There were a few terrible singers and then ... there was Tatiana del Toro. I was wondering when she would resurface! Of course, she received the prize and rushed the stage singing “Saving All My Love for You,” even as Seacrest protested that they needed to go to break. I’m 85 percent sure it was all “staged” for comic effect but it seemed very real. Ruuuuuuuben Studdard sure looked shocked, anyway.

Kris and Glambert dueted on “We Are the Champions” and then -- well I bet you know where this sentence is going -- Queen came out, along with the Top 13. There was also a random group of show choir type people backing them up with jazz hands. No, really. (Are they from “Glee?”)

And after the nationwide vote of over 100 million, the winner of this year’s “American Idol” is ... KRIS ALLEN!!!!

“Idol” shocker! What an upset! “Dark horse” no more! He was the first recipient of a brand new “Idol” winner’s trophy and, it must be said, it is a lot classier looking than the “Dancing With the Stars” trophy.

Don’t get too down, though, Glambert fans. Like I said on Tuesday, the winning single, “No Boundaries,” does not seem like the kind of song that Adam would ever choose to sing. He will now have the freedom to be the artist that he wants to be.

And can I make a suggestion? He would make a great choice for the David Bowie character if someone ever does a “Labyrinth” remake.

Thanks for reading. See you next January!

Seacrest opened the show by touting the upcoming bout as “acoustic rocker vs. glam rocker,” “Conway (Arkansas) vs. California” and “the guy next door vs. the guyliner.”

Love that last one, Seacrest, but you seem to have forgotten “amateur vs. professional,” “straight vs. (allegedly) gay” and, of course, “shoe-in vs. dark horse.”

Last night the finalists sang three songs: their favorite performance from the season, a song chosen by the show's producer, Simon Fuller, and the (usually crappy) winner’s first single, which was co-written this year by -- surprise, surprise -- Kara DioGuardi.

Kris won the coin toss and chose to perform second, perhaps in order to leave a lasting impression with the viewers. It worked, too! I was thinking of his dimples all night, even in my sleep.

No big surprise here. Glambert chose to sing “Mad World” as his favorite performance. Believe it or not, I found it stunning the first time he did it, and this time it was just as great (maybe because of the dry ice). He is strongest when he uses his range but still shows some restraint, i.e. no screaming.

I would’ve also enjoyed a reprise of the love-it-or-hate-it “Ring of Fire.” I mean, he was already sporting the goth/cowboy duster anyway. Randy liked the look, calling it “Twilight”; not a compliment in my book. Simon, however, thought it was more “Phantom of the Opera,” which seemed more on target. Don’t get me wrong; both are lame. It’s just that “Phantom” is more “theatrical” (like Adam), while “Twilight” was a little light on the actual acting.

I was hoping that Kris would do “Falling Slowly” as his favorite performance, but he chose “Ain’t No Sunshine,” probably a safer choice, since it showcased this season’s buzzword, the oft-mentioned yet elusive “artistry.”

I’m still not 100 percent on what Kara means when she throws that word around, but I’ve come to the conclusion that it has something to do with taking a song and changing it up ... unless, of course, it is a “classic” song with a “strong melody” that doesn’t need to be changed.

He got nothing but praise from the judges and when prodded, Simon even declared Allen the Round 1 victor.

Fuller chose “Change Is Gonna Come” for Glambert. Though it got a little screechy towards the end, it was a great (and unexpected) choice. He truly did look like a star in his retro-style suit and he showed that he could sing something bluesy without being overly dramatic.

For the first time, I could really envision him singing at the Grammy Awards or at -- I don’t know -- like, a vampire convention or something.

Randy said that he could “sing his face off.” I’m not sure if he can sing off his whole face, but he can definitely sing his pancake foundation off.

Kris performed “What’s Going On?” as Fuller’s choice. Smartly, he played the guitar and showcased the one undeniable strength he has over Lambert: the ability to play multiple instruments. Granted, it was kind of low-key and, as Simon mentioned, a little “three friends in their bedroom strumming along to Marvin Gaye,” but what did you expect? It’s not exactly a rousing rock anthem. There are plenty of artists out there with lame acoustic songs; John Mayer comes to mind.

Cowell called Round 2 for Lambert.

The winning single performances are always interesting in that you have two singers doing the same song. This is where “artistry” comes in (I think). This is also where they let you know again that Kara cowrote the song.

When Glambert gave us his take on “No Boundaries,” it was clear that this is a song he would never chose to record himself. Lyrically, it called to mind the new Miley Cyrus song (thanks, Kara!). Someone like him singing something like this brings up the age-old (OK, not so old) question: is it sometimes better to come in second and have more freedom to be the performer you want to be? (“Artistry!”)

Kara made her comments all about Kara, and Simon pretty much called her out on it.

“No Boundaries” was a much better fit for Kris. Don’t get me wrong; it was still a pretty lame song, but it sounded like something you could hear on the radio (perhaps a station like “The Blend” on XM radio?), while Adam’s version was kind of a joke.

Carrie Underwood performed for the second time this season. Her version of “Home Sweet Home” was set to clips of this season’s losers -- er, “memorable contestants.” It made you wonder what Norman Gentle and Tatiana del Toro are up to these days. It also made you wonder how the heck Megan Joy Corkrey lasted longer in the competition than Alexis Grace.

Set your DVRs! Seacrest promised that tonight’s three-hour show is so packed with goodies that it’s likely to go over. (Please let it involve Clay Aiken!)

While this season has been anti-climatic to say the least, the race may not be as clear cut as it seems. Sure, the judges have been kissing Adam’s butt from the very beginning, all but handing him a spot on last night’s penultimate show. But I have a feeling that Hokey Gokey’s conservative fans will come out in support of Allen. It could be a real “Idol Shocker,” so be sure to set your DVR accordingly.

We don’t want another “and the winner is David ... ” -- DELETE RECORDING -- moment!

The show opened up with a “Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian” promo featuring Ben Stiller and friends (and by “friends,” I mean “castmates”).  Apparently the “Idol” judges’ desk is a new addition to the Smithsonian’s collection.

The promo was witty on several counts. Firstly, it poked fun at Paula’s incoherence -- always a crowd pleaser! It also brought to light the ridiculousness of a desk once belonging to Randy, Simon and Paula being housed under the same roof as a desk once belonging to Thomas Jefferson.

History writes itself, I guess. Last but not least, unlike, say, um, I don’t know --  AT&T, Coca-Cola, Ford and iTunes -- the “Museum” crew didn’t pretend to be there out of the goodness of their hearts. Basically, they came out and said they had a movie to promote.

Seacrest announced that over 88 million votes came in on Tuesday but implied that we shouldn’t count our chickens before they hatch because there were “just over 1 million votes” separating the Top 2. Close call, America! I bet you wish you’d voted that extra time.

The first-ever all-guy Ford music video featured our trio exhibiting their own super powers in a very a-ha: "Take on Me” cartoon kind of way. Adam Lambert’s power seemed to have something to do with grilling out. I’m not sure what Kris Allen’s power was; I was so distracted by how damn good looking he was -- even as a cartoon!

Gokey’s power seemed to have religious undertones, of course, as he parted cars on a crowded street like Moses parting the Red Sea. (The only thing red, though, was the Ford Mustang.)

Again, no “Idol Gives Back” this year. Instead, Alicia Keys came out to talk about the charity Keep a Child Alive and Noah from Rwanda, a singer who wants to record an album so that he can help children suffering from AIDS in his country. A noble cause, no doubt. In fact, Noah apparently learned to sing the English words to “I’m the World’s Greatest” in just one week -- and looks like he learned to dance in just one day. From Danny Gokey.

Viewers were able to donate $5 by texting “alive” to a special number. Again, a noble cause. But, seriously, Noah’s performance was a little too peppy and joyful to inspire a donation. Remember when the little African choir sang with Josh Groban? Now that left me teary-eyed.

Before the finalists could be revealed, it was time to watch clips of their “Hometown Hero” moments. Danny was up first, with his trip to Milwaukee. Featured prominently was a stalker in plaid pants and a pink feather boa, a sign saying “Scream On” and Jamar Rogers. 

For those of you who don’t remember, Jamar and Danny are good friends and made it all the way to Hollywood Week together, until Rogers was robbed of a spot in the Top 12. (Still confused about that one.)  

Also featured were tears -- lots of tears.  No matter how I feel about Gokey as a performer (eh), it was touching to think about how much his life has changed in the 10 months since his wife’s death and how bittersweet this whole experience must be for him.

On a lighter note, if you ever hope to be a “Hometown Hero,” it obviously pays to be from a big city.  When I fantasized about my hometown visit, it involved me throwing candy out of the back of a pickup truck in a parade from the Piggly Wiggly all the way to the Domino’s Pizza, in total a full eleven minutes. (And that’s after allotting time for plaid panted stalkers.)

Kris went back to Conway, Arkansas, where he was afforded “free cheese dip” for life from a local eatery. Who needs the title of “American Idol” when you’ve got that? OK, number one: where was his wife? I mean, Jamar was with Gokey the whole time. Perhaps he’s onto the fact that she’s bad for his “marketing.” After a trip to the AT&T store, a visit with his parents and a performance of “Falling Slowly,” she finally showed up at the ticker-tape parade. She was crying -- some probably think out of happiness, but I think it’s because women across America are coveting her husband. Kris was probably thinking, “Why did I get married so young?”

Season 6 winner Jordin Sparks did her best Lane Bryant imitation of Beyonce on her new single “Battlefield.” Haters, back off; that is actually a compliment. (Not the Beyonce part, really, but Sparks is gorgeous enough to be a Lane Bryant model -- love her!)  Accompanying Jordin was the song’s cowriter, Ryan Tedder from  ... One Republic. Hmmm, suddenly Kara and Randy’s strange song choice from Tuesday makes more sense.

Glambert traveled all the way from Hollywood to San Diego for his hometown visit.  Whilst there, he gave makeup lessons to local weather girls, inspired future drama nerd kids and said that “being able to entertain this many people all at once is the ultimate prize.” I mean, yes, it’s good and all but I still think the ultimate prize is Kris’ lifetime supply of cheese dip.

I enjoyed him acting modestly; and by “acting,” I mean like an “actor.”

Gimmicky pin-up doll Katy Perry performed her new single, “Waking Up In Vegas.” Not only did she come out looking like Adam Lambert -- er, Elvis -- but she also had the worrds “Adam Lambert” emblazened on her cape. Is that even allowed?

After the break, Ryan revealed that Kris would be performing in the finale! Hooray! Shocking -- I mean, why wouldn’t they announce “shoe-in” Adam as a finalist first? Perhaps they didn’t want to make it seem too skewed.

Speaking of Adam, was there ever a doubt in anyone’s mind that he would progress to the finale? Ryan tried to tease us with the old “Danny’s never been in the Bottom 3” line but we knew better. Seconds later, Seacrest confirmed as much.

Cut to Adam’s crew rejoicing and then cut to Kara going, “Oh ... my ... God. Danny!”  (somewhat inappropriately if you ask me).  You know that she was just pissed that her efforts to screw Kris over with Tuesday’s “chant” song failed.
“None of us saw this coming,” said Simon, as if his best friend had just been run over by a Mack truck.  Really, guys, no one?

Maybe “no one” will see it coming next week when Kris squashes Adam’s “Idol” dreams. (Actually, I don’t think that anyone would see that coming, including me.)  Get out and vote anyway, people!

According to Cowell, it’s gonna be a real “ding dong!”
 

It was down to three on the 300th episode last night.

The finalists each performed two songs: one chosen by the judges and the other chosen by the contestants themselves. While these last three guys don’t seem to have the identity crises that were the downfall of Anoop and Matt Giraud, this week is always interesting because it shows the discrepancies between who the singers think they are as artists and who the judges want them to be.

Paula chose “Dance Little Sister” by Terence Trent D’Arby for Hokey Gokey. He has a voice; that's undeniable. The problem is, it‘s the kind of voice you’re more likely to hear in the elevator of a medical building. (Zzzzzzz.) Kara didn't enjoy his dancing. Paula, the self-proclaimed “choreographer,” did -- though perhaps in spite of Kara. Honestly, there’s not really much else to say about hi ... Whoa, sorry, I dozed off for a second just writing about him.

Kris Allen's still the “dark horse,” according to Kara and Randy, who selected One Republic’s “Apologize” for him. Okay, number one: I’ll say it yet again. Kris beat out thousands of hopefuls to be one of the top three contenders on “Idol.” He is not a “dark horse” anymore. Secondly: Why did Randy and Kara have to choose a contestant’s song jointly while Paula and Simon got their own choices? I get that Kara’s still earning her “Idol” wings, but when did Randy become the redheaded stepchild of the show?

It’s interesting, too, that the most captivating part of that song is not even the melody itself but the beat (and the monks chanting in the background). Maybe they got Allen mixed up with beatboxer B-b-b-b-blake Lewis from Season 6?

Adam Lambert's  title as “Future Winner of American Idol” was validated yet again, if not by his performance, then by the sheer fact that Simon chose his song for him. (Cowell is never one to associate himself with a loser.) Simon boasted that he personally phoned up Bono to get the rights for Glambert to sing U2's “One," almost insinuating that no other contestant would have been allowed to touch it.

I am a fan of Lambert when does the ballads -- OK, wait, that’s not true. What I should say is that I didn’t mind when he did “Mad World” and “Tracks of My Tears.” But during last night’s song, he sounded eerily like Annie Lennox. No, seriously. Play it back and close your eyes. Trust me.

This year, instead of having a star-studded multi-million dollar fundraiser for “Idol Gives Back,” Carrie Underwood taught us how to prevent malaria. How about some tips on swine flu ... oops, I mean H1-N1? Also, how do you get your hair looking so good, Carrie?

Gokey was back for Round 2. His strategy was to pick a bunch of songs with his “mentors” (spiritual advisers?) to see which ones fit. Would he fill the void left by Scott MacIntyre and do another “inspirational” song? No, wait! It would clearly be a song about missing dead loved ones. Or one by yet another “raspy voiced” artist (please let it be Bonnie Tyler!)

Actually, he did all three by choosing “You Are So Beautiful” by the croaky Joe Cocker, a song that no doubt reminded him of his wife. Paula commented on how he incorporated his “gospel” style into the song. Foreshadowing, America? Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

Kris announced that he was going to sing “Heartless” by Kanye West, which no doubt left viewers (including me) scratching their heads. Would he suffer the same fate as my beloved Anoop, who (somewhat comically) attempted to be the next Bobby Brown? Thank goodness, the answer was no. It was clear three notes in that it was going to be a highlight.

He killed it, ya’ll! Kara (who set him up to fail with that One Republic “chant” song) criticized him for not using the acoustic guitar during his first performance as well. I cry foul! For one thing, Allen was the only contestant to play any sort of instrument last night. Furthermore, he played two different instruments -- the piano on one song and the guitar on another. Should he be punished for showcasing all of his musical talents (and making the best of a “malicious” song choice)?

Glambert finally indulged the public, who has been waiting for weeks for him to cover Aerosmith. His rendition of “Cryin’” was “just OK for me, dawg.” The screech-singing was back in full effect. He has a persona, yes, but it’s a persona that belongs on the theater stage. I feel that if I bought his CD, I just wouldn’t be getting my money’s worth without the accompanying visual show, too -- the shoulder pads, the makeup, the guy-on-guy photos.

The most flattering thing I can say about him is that he definitely has a dramatic flair for making an entrance and I would love to see him in a Broadway show. Maybe “Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat?” He does look an awful lot like Michael Damien ...

I have been flip-flopping all week over whether I should give in and just support Lambert. I mean, I do spend a lot of time in West Hollywood and he does have that whole “X-factor” thing going on. But, in the end, while I can appreciate his inarguable talent (his acting was especially good last night when he was saying how great Danny and Kris are), I just can’t see myself buying his pop album.

Would I like him to beat out Danny? Abso-freakin’-lutely.

But it is Kris, the cute “everyguy,” who has my allegiance. His quiet confidence and ability to make songs his own is quite appealing.

Plus, he’s the only non-screecher left.

It became painfully clear within the first five minutes of the show who deserved to compete in the finale. When the Final Four performed “School’s Out” with Slash, Allison and Adam shone, especially juxtaposed against Gokey and Kris.

Did you see them harmonize on the bridge together? They weren’t just singing; they were performing!

Yes, Gokey threw in a few good runs here and there and thankfully did not grace us with his screaming again. But Kris just sang a verse and a few unenthusiastic “whoas.”

It was even apparent during the Ford music video! The animation in Allison and Adam’s performance had Gokey and Kris looking like cardboard cutouts in comparison -- which is weird because I think the actual video concept was that they were all cardboard cutouts. Or at least paper dolls. Driving cars. 

Ryan chatted up the Final 4 about the previous night’s performances. Kris  was still wondering how he get there. Glambert was excited about his outfit.  Allison defended her last-minute strategy of developing a personality, aka “sass.” And Gokey -- well, Gokey tried to laugh off the fact that his performance basically sucked.

But all of this chitchat was merely a way to mark time while Paula was getting changed for her big number. That’s right, your eyes did not deceive. Paula took the stage for the first time in “Idol” history! First Kellie Pickler and now Paula Abdul? They’ll let anyone perform on this show!

Yes, she’s a dancer. And, yes, her costume was cute. But if you’re pushing 50, I’m not sure you should be wearing such a getup -- unless, of course, your name is “Madonna” or you work at the Moulin Rouge. (Actually, Richard Simmons could probably get away with it too.)

Some of the pep squad tumbling moves were impressive, though, and I’m always a fan of pyrotechnics. (Britney’s “Circus” had pyrotechnics too, ya’ll!) That’s not the only thing Paula has in common with Britney.

I’ve mentioned it so many times before, but it begs to be said again: If you are a judge who evaluates talent on the most popular show in the United States, a singing competition for cry pete, at least have the guts to sing during your performance. (Even Kellie Pickler sang live!)  Dancing is all well and good but if you think you can dance, why not move over to -- hmmm,  I don’t know -- ”So You Think You Can (Freakin’) Dance?”

What I’d really like to see is a performance from Kara. She should stop writing songs for pop stars and do some for herself. Could you see her out there lip-synching upside down like Paula? No, because she wouldn’t need to; she can sing. Paula’s crappy dance song will no doubt sell millions just because she used “Idol” as a platform to promote it. (Could the performance have been part of her contract renegotiations? Hmmm.)

After Paula’s performance, the Gwen Stefani Band, aka “No Doubt,” performed its first hit, “Just a Girl.”  It was all very 1995, even down to Gwen’s grungey wife-beater and combat boots. (Somebody get me a Zima!)  I mean, back in 1995, little Allison was only 3 years old and Glambert and Gokey were slipping on their first stilettos and purity rings, respectively.

We got a teaser for next week’s “Hometown Hero” segment. It is my favorite at this stage of the game, mostly because I often fantasize about my hometown visit. (Come on, you know you do it, too!)

Finally, it was results time (a mere 36 minutes into the show). IDOL SHOCKER! The first person to be sent to safety was Kris. This was surprising (okay, more like freaking crazy) because many people (including yours truly) predicted that he would be the one to leave.

While viewers were still wondering how Kris managed to make it to the Final 3, Daughtry debuted their new single. The performance seemed more appropriate for Rock Week than, say, Paula’s. (I’m still wondering if that was one of the Signs of the Apocolypse.)

Ryan then revealed that -- surprise, surprise -- Adam was in the Top 3.  It came down to Gokey and Allison. 

Unbelievable! Gokey must have a huge fan base to survive after the “Dream On” debacle. (Maybe he goes to one of those “mega churches.”)

Poor, poor Allison. She deserved to make it to the finale. How appropriate that multi-platinum “loser” Daughtry was featured tonight, as I see Allison having a similar fate. 

I’m going to base my votes next week solely on the performances. I’m even willing to give Adam a chance, providing that he refrains from the screeching. 

What about you? Who are you backing?

With only four contestants remaining, the mob has clearly gotten involved, trying unsuccessfully to whack one of our stars by way of an exploding “American Idol” set! (There is a lot of dirty money to be made in those “Idol” office pools, ya’ll!)

Slash was the guest mentor for Rock Week. Wow. I haven’t heard about Slash since ... well, since “Gossip Girl” matriarch Lily van der Woodsen named him as a gentleman on her “list,”  thus setting us up for the “Valley Girls” spin-off about her life as a rock groupie in 1980s Los Angeles.

According to Seacrest, though, Slash is much more than a bedmate to fictional characters. He “burst onto the scene in 1985 as lead guitarist for Guns N’ Roses” and is now working on a solo album.  Slash says he was was raised on rock 'n’ roll as a lifestyle (read: drugs) and way of life (anonymous sex). 

He said he never thought he’d be a mentor but that there are a couple of standout artists this season. By “couple of standout artists,” he clearly means  Adam Lambert.

Perhaps it was the drug -- er, I mean “rock 'n’ roll” theme -- that inspired Paula to come out of the closet about her own demons this week. She recently admitted to Ladies Home Journal that she was addicted to painkillers for 12 years. What an exclusive, LHJ! I think I broke that “news” on my Friendster blog around Season 4.

Adam Lambert: Thank you, Slash, for suggesting that Adam abandon his “upper register improvising” -- clearly code for “screech singing” -- in favor of his lower octaves. Glambert wailed throughout Led Zeppelin’s “Whole Lotta Love,” causing Kara to declare him a “Rock God” before acting out the fake orgasm scene from “When Harry Met Sally.”  (It was awkward, ya’ll!) To all the Glambert advocates, I’m not saying he’s not talented; clearly he is an artist when it comes to Kohl liner. I’m just not sure that in this “Flo Rida/Pussycat Dolls” day and age, someone like him could sell out stadiums. Would he pack them in on Broadway? Well, he’s certainly more suited for it than, say, Season 3 runner-up Diana Degarmo. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think he’s right for “Carousel” or “Oklahoma!” but I could definitely see him in “Rocky Horror.” My guess is that if he doesn’t win (that’s a big “if”), he’ll reprise his role of Fiyero in “Wicked,” but this time he’ll be doing it on the Great White Way.

Allison Iraheta: As the only girl left in the competition, Allison really had to bring it. Thankfully she chose Janis Joplin’s “Cry Baby” over something like Pat Benatar’s “Love Is a Battlefield.”  The judges had mixed reviews, with Simon even telling her that she should “just beg.” In her first display of “personality” this season, she snapped back at him. And you know what? I think Simon liked it. I’ve thought long and hard this week about who will be the recipient of my votes now that Matt Giraud is gone. (Well, I mean, as long and hard as can be expected while still fitting in “Celebrity Apprentice,”  estergoldberg.com and US Weekly!) My conclusion was Allison. She has the biggest chance of actually being a successful pop star. Her voice is a mixture of Kelly Clarkson and Pink. And her personality -- well, it will develop one day.  Even if it doesn’t, her “team” will sell us something. She is the one contestant left whose album I would buy without hesitation.

Danny Gokey and Kris Allen dueted on “Renegade” by Styx. It started off “a little pitchy, dawg,” a little sharp. But it was fun to see them singing together rather than against each other.  By the way, if it had been a competition, I think Kris would’ve won ... just on sheer mic stand technique alone.

Kris Allen: Working with Slash made Kris “almost want to pee his pants.” No doubt his rendition of “Come Together” had the tweens across the country peeing their collective pants. Sure he could’ve chosen something a little more “rock” than the Beatles, but honestly, could you really see Allen doing Poison or Skid Row? It should also be said that now that Giraud is gone, Kris is the only contestant who is a true instrumentalist as well as a singer. (I dare someone to mention Allison’s “guitar playing” on “Don’t Speak!”) The thing is, I have a couple of Jack Johnson and Jason Mraz albums, and I’m sure that, given the right single or two, I’d purchase some Kris, too (especially if the liner notes were filled with sexy pictures of him). I’m just not sure that his casual song stylin’ is going to be enough to win this competition.

Danny Gokey: Hokey Gokey tried his best to live down his image as a church music director by roughing it up with Aerosmith’s “Dream On.” The beginning was pretty good ... And then came the end notes. Whoa. It was shockingly bad. Simon said as much, comparing it to a horror movie. (Speaking of shockingly bad, perhaps Danny could be a contestant on the next season of VH1’s “Scream Queens.”) Despite the judges all saying that it wasn’t their favorite performance, they all gave him an “A” for effort -- and even Simon thought that he’d be safe.  That’s a pretty “safe” prediction seeing as he’s the only contestant who has never been in the Bottom 3. But I warn you, America: Vote for Danny Gokey and you’re gonna get a Taylor Hicks/Michael McDonaly hybrid who will record a Christian rock album. And do we really need more Christian rock? I mean, we’ve already got the Jonas Brothers.

Allison and Adam, the true rockers, did Foghat’s “Slow Ride.” What a treat it was to see them perform together! They seem to have a great rapport, even using the same hairdresser. I can totally see them getting ready for the show together -- giggling about boys and doing each other’s makeup! The judges were right; they truly should record a duet.

All things considered, I’m guessing that Kris will go home tonight. The only thing that may save him is the Matt Giraud overflow. No matter what the judges say, Allison really proved herself. And although Danny’s last notes were cringe-worthy, he has enough fans to keep him around.

Despite last week’s Glambert scare, is it really worth discussing his exit as a possibilty? Didn’t think so.

The judges seemed to have sealed his fate months ago.

Wow. On "It Don't Mean a Thing," the Idols actually seemed to be singing live, a testament to their collective talent! Kris Allen, we've all bought into the idea that you're the "cute one." How about dressing up a little next time?

After the group number, we were all treated to an inexplicable food fight started by Danny Gokey. It (perhaps inappropriately) brought to mind the "sloshing" phenomenon, featured on the HBO series "Real Sex."

Ryan instructed the Idols to go to separate ends of the stage, according to their popularity. Kris and Matt were on one side; Allison and Danny were on the other.  Then he asked Adam Lambert which side he thought he belonged on. Glambert, perhaps in a display of modesty, stepped over to the Gokey/Iraheta side. (Everyone knows that, despite her singing, Allison has no personality and is next to go.)

Idol shocker! "Frontrunner" Glambert actually belonged on the Giraud/Allen side of the vote. Welcome to the Bottom 3, Glambert.

Natalie Cole performed, I guess because her dad was into "standards." If you are still lost, pull out one of your old Christmas albums. It doesn't get more "standard" than that.

Taylor Hicks, winner of Season 5 (and classmate in my sister's biology class back in Alabama!) performed. He was looking much "svelter," and regardless of how boring his song was, one can't deny the magnetism of a "silver fox."

Seacrest sent one Idol in the Bottom 3 to safety. Clearly it was frontrunner Glambert, right? Wrong! It was "dark horse" Kris.

Then comedian/singer/full-of-himself Oscar winner Jamie Foxx performed.  He made the Idols look like professional lip=syncers. Could they at least tone down the pre-recorded overly synthesized vocals? To Foxx's credit, he applauded the Top 5's talent and referred to them as "artists."

Spoiler Alert! Matt, despite his Judges' Save, was the one to go home last night.  Perhaps the bigger shocker, though, was the fact that Adam Lambert was in the Bottom 2.

Dammit. I truly believe that Giraud was the most talented overall. 

Who will now go up against Glambert in the finals? Or, considering last night's turn of events, will Glambert even be in the finals? 

Tune in next week to find out!

So it was Rat Pack Night! Yes! Finally a theme I can get behind! I was fired up for Michael Buble, the obvious choice for mentor.

Then in walks ... Jamie Foxx. What? Was this another example of the producers’ “let’s make Quentin Tarantino a singing mentor” logic? Perhaps it was a PR stunt to atone for his recent (kinda funny) comments about Miley Cyrus and her gums.

Or maybe he was an appropriate choice after all. Let’s see; Foxx did win an Oscar for “Ray” and Ray Charles did sing lots of standards.  Also, his current hit is all about “a-a-a-a-a-alcohol,” and we know that the Rat Pack enjoyed their libation.

Or maybe it was just that he a new movie out. Yeah, probably that one.

Kris Allen: Was up first with “The Way You Look Tonight,” which was perfectly suited for his voice. (By the way, his actual suit was perfectly suited, too! So hot!)  With such modest charm and smooth vocals, he should sail into the Top 3. By the way, how many weeks does he have to keep progressing and impressing until Kara stops referring to him as the “dark horse in this competition"? I mean, let’s face it. Anyone is a dark horse compared to Adam Lambert, and that has been the case for weeks on end.

But let’s not insult the other contestants week after week by marveling at how talented they are with a surprised look on your face.  Enough.

Allison Iraheta: Just turned 17 -- not a girl, not yet a woman. That made her choice of “Someone to Watch Over Me” all the more appropriate, as she is no doubt legally obligated to have a chaperone at all times. Jamie Foxx thought she was too young to know about “love” and that she should think of her parents while singing.  Clearly, this Jamie Foxx fellow did not see last week’s “Oprah” featuring 14-year-olds itching to have sex! After she gave an amazing and touching performance, the judges commented -- yet again -- on how she is too young to have such a handle on her voice, and then Simon predicted that she’d be in trouble, citing her personality as an issue. I called that one weeks ago, folks!

Matt Giraud: Had been looking forward to a Standards Week for a while.  It was worth the wait, for him and for us. His rendition of “My Funny Valentine” was still infused with some runs, but it was lacking Giraud’s signature falsetto. And, in this case, that was OK.  He definitely looked the part in his fedora and, more importantly, he sounded the part with his straight, pure vocals. Yes, he’s had some Bottom 3 scares, and of course, he was the recipient of the first ever Judges’ Save. But in my dream scenario, Giraud and Glambert would go toe-to-toe and falsetto-to-falsetto in the finals. I’m just not sure the Giraud Squad has enough of a following to get him there.

Danny Gokey: Just needed Foxx to “get all up in his grill“ (a Rat Pack term perhaps?) to bring out his best vocal on “Come Rain or Come Shine.” I was asleep for the first half of his monotone performance but then towards the end he brought with his gravely voice and sexy attitude. Did I say “sexy” when describing Okey Dokey Gokey? Yes, yes, I did. Kara said he finally brought the Rat Pack “swagger” that he’d been lacking in weeks prior and I have to agree. These contestants are making it harder and harder to make any reliable predictions.

Adam Lambert: Sang “Feelin’ Good,” which was popular during the audition rounds. One thing Glambert seems to have going for him -- aside from favoritism from the judges, legions of fans and a way with makeup -- is a handle on how lighting can compliment his performance. It seems the contestants must have input on the lighting design -- either that or the lighting guys are pulling for Glambert, too!  Week after week he has interesting things happening with the lights; last night’s performance featured a long red staircase, with him oozing down it dressed all in white! His distinct style was perfect for this song, and for me -- that’s saying a lot. 

As for who gets eliminated this week, your guess is as good as mine. Even after her amazing performance last night, I’m afraid that little Allison might be in trouble.

Regardless of what happens, all five are immensely talented, and each of them could have successful recording careers, something that I’m not sure can be said for a Top 5 from any other season.