It was the talls vs. the smalls in the latest installment of "Real Housewives of Africa."
In one corner, we had Kandi, Phaedra, and Sheree hoping for a lovely vacation. On the other, we had the amazons NeNe and Marlo looming, plotting, and itching for a brawl.
Nene visited Marlo’s house that was outfitted with surveillance cameras so she can catch the cops before they catch her. The police will never bang on her front door again. She won’t have it. The next time they come, she’ll be standing in front of her bedroom door, a little powder on her nose, a M16 rifle in her right hand, and the willingness to fall headfirst into a fountain at the bottom her staircase, in front of a statue reading, "The World is Yours."
While at Marlo’s home, NeNe toured her designer shoe/handbag closet, declined a stolen Chanel bag that still had the sensor on it, and was served a nice meal from Marlo’s staff. During this ostentatious display, the kind the nouveau riche are prone to, Marlo agreed to accompany NeNe on the trip to Africa. At this declaration, NeNe stroked her hairless cat as she laughed maniacally about the drama about to unfold as the result of her deviousness.
Babies are beautiful bundles of joy. You give them life. They give you a potbelly and big thighs. Kim is intent on losing these little gifts, but she’s never been one to lose fat the old-fashioned way — working out. She’s all about pretending to lose weight and inches without really exerting herself.
Given the choice between lifting tires and a tire around her mid-section, Kim chose the latter with a swath of bandages wrapped around it. After being wrapped up like a mummy for 45 minutes, she supposedly lost 10 ½ inches, but I’m sure the fat popped back in its respective places by the next day.
Kandi needed to shape up too, and chose the former. She lifted tires, dragged weights, ran an obstacle course and generally killed herself in the name of beauty. She was happy to be going to Africa in the winter so she can cover up the pounds not lost with a dashiki.
NeNe and Marlo prepared for the trip by shopping and trash talking. Marlo doesn’t really care for Kandi, but plans on being cordial. NeNe isn’t bringing her on this excursion to be cordial.
Meanwhile, Kim was dealing with Kroy going back to Atlanta Falcons training camp. They would only be away from each other for a month, but it was a melodramatic farewell with even the dog whimpering. But before he could leave Kim treated him to a sexy night “alone” with Mom laying rose petals at their feet and Dad drawing them a bath. Awww, family time.
All the loved ones left behind escorted their ladies to the airport. Apollo wanted one last tryst in the limo before Phaedra departed. Peter didn’t seem genuinely pleased with Cynthia’s holiday from him. Mama Joyce wanted Kandi to have a good time and gave her a packed lunch with a “Mommy loves you” note.
Sheree arrived by herself and NeNe’s no show had everyone wondering if she bailed at the last minute.
But wait! NeNe appeared toting a criminal.
Criminal, the latest in resort bags from Prada, or just Marlo.The ladies were shocked to see Marlo, but Phaedra was also offended. As the organizer of the expedition to the motherland, why wasn’t she told?
Forced pleasantries were exchanged as the skycaps milled in the background. The talls dressed to kill, the smalls dressed to chill, and the three-part journey is set to start next week.
Looks like Marlo finally lets the crazy out on this jaunt. And the ladies better watch out just in case there is no extradition treaty between wherever-they-are-going Africa and Atlanta.