Golden Globes Opening Monologue: Tina Fey and Amy Poehler’s Best Jokes (Video)

The co-hosts deliver a solid (and hilarious) opening to Sunday’s awards ceremony

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler teamed up for the second time to host Sunday’s Golden Globes and opened the show with a solid and hilarious monologue.

Of the monologue’s best gags, the women ranked the stars present to surprising conclusions, described the best film nominees in unexpected ways while making sure no one felt they were left out of the joke.

See photos: Golden Globes Red Carpet Arrivals

Here are the women’s best jokes of the monologue.

1. Remake madness
On hosting for the second time, “This is Hollywood, so if something kind of works, they’ll just keep doing it until everyone hates it.” (Poehler)

2. Some real competition
“No offense to the movies and nominees last year, but this year’s legit.” (Fey)

Also read: Golden Globes 2014: TheWrap’s Live Blog

3. Ego check, Damon
Matt Damon is here from ‘Behind the Candelabra.’ Where are you, Matt? Matt, on any other night and in any other room, you’d be a big deal. But, tonight, don’t take this the wrong way, you’re basically a garbage person.” (Poehler)

4. Jennifer Lawrence is Amy Poehler’s dream doppelganger
When Fey referred to Poehler’s nomination for “Parks and Recreation,” the camera went to “American Hustle” star Lawrence. “It’s hard to believe she’s a 42-year-old mother of two,” Poehler joked.

Then, Fey said, “I hear she’s a little difficult to work with.” To which Poehler replied, “Oh yeah, she’s a straight up B—h.”

Also read: Golden Globes Winners: The Complete List (Updating Live)

5. Julia Louis-Dreyfus throws shade
The duo referred to Louis-Dreyfus sitting in the film section this year (she’s nominated for “Enough Said). They called to her, but a sunglass-wearing, cigarette-smoking Louis-Dreyfus refused to acknowledge them. “Um, you know us from TV. Julia! Julia!” Poehler prodded to no avail.

6. The “Gravity” of George Clooney’s Girlfriends
Fey summarized the plot his film,”Gravity”: It’s the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age.” (Fey)

7. For best handling of a “Slave” joke
Joking about slavery is tough, but the duo handled that. Poehler said, “I can honestly say that after seeing that film, I will never look at slavery the same way again.” To which, Fey asked, “Wait, how were you looking at [it]?”

See photos: Golden Globes 2014: The Winners

8. Netflix, that upstart
There has been a lot of talk surrounding Netflix’s strong showing for its programs during this year’s award shows. So, the duo took a swipe at the streaming video company. “Enjoy it while you can, Netflix, because you won’t be so smug in a few years when Snapchat is accepting Best Drama,” said Poehler.

9. “Higher” Education?
“‘Masters of Sex’ is the degree I got from Boston College.” (Poehler)

10. Settle the Score-sese
“We’re going to get this show done in three hours or as Martin Scorses calls it, Act 1.” (Fey)

Which was your favorite joke from the monologue?

Watch the video below:

  • Paul M Winters

    I do realize that many of the movers and shakers of Hollywood have long
    abandoned any sense of decency, decorum and self-respect in a pursuit for
    personal fame and glory, but would it be too much to ask for a bit of
    sensitivity to their audience?

    As our extended family gathered
    around the couch upon completion of the Broncos game (we won!) my eight
    year old daughter (very eager to watch the awards show), my father and
    my brother’s mother-in-law, among others, were treated to
    the delights of Fey & Poehler who quipped on Tom Hank’s prosthetic
    genitals, Jonah Hill’s masturbation, the career benefits of sleeping
    with a limo driver and of course Poehler’s proud proclamation of her
    sexual exploits in college.

    Nobody is expecting a Hollywood
    awards show to be an episode of The Walton’s, but true talent is being
    able to get up their and “kill it” without having to resort to comedy
    better suited for the 11pm set of a Sunset Blvd. comedy club.

    To the producers I ask you to consider you have a very broad audience,
    which extends beyond your coveted “18-35″ demographic. To Fey &
    Poehler I have only this to say: the two of you are like a
    Saturday…….no class.

    • Stephen

      I agree…they should have stuck with Ricky Gervais

      • Karol Kappel

        these 2 females are breaking your concept of who should lead the way in writing and performing outshining some wimpy very crude english dude!

    • Karol Kappel

      So Paul W. u consider it good entertainment for grown men running, kicking throwing a ball that is based on these men pushing, tackling, hitting, causing violent injuries to men that get SO much money and are often suicidal, violent to women and others, are arrested multiple times for abuse, rug use, even murder, are good things to spectate for , yet the awards talking about sex, body parts,–all of which we all have is somehow offensive to your family members! get a grip!

    • Fred

      Perhaps you should have some knowledge of the programming to which you expose your family members before turning on the television. This awards show is 71 years old and is quite notorious for its loose, irreverent and often bawdy humor, not to mention its open bar. It’s okay that it’s not your cup of tea, but there are different audiences who enjoy different things. The show shouldn’t change to suit your tastes. That’s what your remote control is for.

      Furthermore, how truly traumatized is your family from the experience? I mean, really. When we were children and ended up getting caught in the crossfire of an unexpectedly inappropriate program, my parents would make sure they discussed it with us and let us know that this is not the type of programming they want us to watch nor is it behavior they condoned. We learned from the experience and moved on. It’s called communication.

    • Fred

      And to someone else’s point: Did your family enjoy their hours of watching grown men get paid millions of dollars to beat the living daylights out of each other peppered with sexist beer commercials? A group of pampered, egotistical men who have a disproportionately high percentage of law breakers (drug users, drunk drivers, wife beater….the list goes on)? Only in America is exposing children to violent sport considered acceptable while a handful of racy jokes prompts an essay on decency and decorum.