My guiltiest pleasure wrapped up this past week with the season finale of MTV’s "Jersey Shore." I love these kids. Honestly. I love it that they say “honestly” every 20 seconds. All of them use it like the “like” of a Valley Girl in the ’80s. Honestly.
The finale starts up with Ronnie being held in jail for knocking out a guy on the boardwalk. I love this kid. He is huge, lovable and likes to fight. Honestly. Snooki calls the police station and says, “I’m looking for Ronnie” and that was enough for the cop to tell her everything.
It’s 3:30 in the morning and Ronnie can be picked up at 6:30. He’s in jail for three hours and the only thing his girlfriend Sammi talks about is how she has not slept alone all summer. Ronnie is in jail with guidos and hookers, but Sammi has to sleep alone for three hours!
Ronnie bails himself out. He calls the house and it rings forever before selfish Sammi realizes her boy might be calling. From prison! She finally answers and goes to pick him up.
Ronnie is embarrassed and his reaction to the entire situation is quite sad. He is not remorseful that he hit the kid, just upset he got caught. He’s in bed with Sammi and instead of her comforting him, she is whining that she had to sleep alone for two seconds while he was in the joint. He then apologizes to her. This guy is whipped. He needs to dump Sammi because she is too selfish to be with anyone but herself.
It is Labor Day weekend and the gang is trying to make sure they have the best weekend of the summer. The Situation says he wants to spend it with someone special, but not sure who. “Special” for him is someone he can be with for more than 10 minutes. He starts calling around but can’t get ahold of anyone.
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He can’t get a date, so he changes his plans, telling the roomies they don’t need any outsiders. They are going to chill and knock out the weekend together. Does he not realize we just saw him frantically trying to score a date? We’ve got a situation with The Situation. He is not the sharpest tool in the shed. He may, however, be the hardest. I’m just saying.
JWoww is at work and she sees a bunch of “gorilla juice heads.” These are body builders with steroid track marks. She calls the house, wakes up Snooki, and tells her to come to the juice head buffet. They are wandering around like Jews through the desert and finally give up when the juice heads cannot be found. Now the entire group is together hanging on the beach.
The Situation is picking up girls who are 16. Best line is when the guys ask how old she is and he says he never asked. He figures she is 10 years younger and Vinny says, “10’ll get you 20!” The Situation dumps the jailbait and Snooki decides to go back to the house to call Keith, whom she has been crushing on, because she wants to be his date and has not heard from him.
Keith blows off Snooki and she is about to lose her mind. She starts cruising the boardwalk and it is hilarious. She is now dancing on the boardwalk. By herself. When she realizes she has drawn a crowd, she thinks about putting her hat out for donations. I love this chick. She sees her ex, whom she still loves, on the balcony of a bar. She invites him to her house, tells him she misses him, and he blows her off. She freaks out and walks home, talking to herself.
It’s the last night and the boys are heading home from their bonding time. Sammi and Ronnie are out for a romantic dinner where they decide to stay together after their time on the Jersey Shore. Snooki is home crying and feeling like a loser.
They are now all home. It’s a bit anticlimactic really. It was a wild summer, but it’s going out with a fizzle, not a bang. I’m waiting for something juicy to happen, but nothing does.
Snooki makes out with The Situation in the hot tub. It’s exactly what happened the first day. In the end he stops because she is like his little sister. I like Mike in the end. He’s a mensch who disguises himself as a guido, and that is oddly attractive.
The kids are all having a final dinner and reminiscing about the summer. They are sad and saying goodbye, and it ends with them saying they should all get a shore house together next year. The came in big and left rather small.
UPDATE: MTV is bringing back "Jersey Shore" for a second season. They offered the original seven kids a $10,000 signing bonus and $5,000 per episode each, and they turned it down! So MTV came back with a $10,000-per-episode offer. After taking their time to respond — they stuck together and insisted that they all get the same — they took that deal. I love these kids. Honestly!
Change My Mind, Ryan Seacrest!