After 100 Million Votes, It's Kutie Kris

First things first: A big “bugger off!” to all the spoilers. You know who you are -- anyone using the social networking site known as “Facebook.”

But let's get to the show.

The camera panned out over the packed Nokia Theater audience, which featured “celebrities” such as Joely Fisher and “World’s First Supermodel” Janice Dickinson.

BTW ... whatever happened to the Kodak? It was good enough for me when I sat in the very last row and witnessed Kelly Clarkson’s win. Yup, I was there. Have I mentioned that yet today?

Seacrest announced that over 100 million votes came in last night. (At least a good one seventh of those had to be compliments of yours truly, voting for Kris Allen.) He also promised plenty of surprises, which took form in the sheer number of guest performances.

Then we “paid respect” to the four judges who have so “professionally” guided us through the season. By “paying respect” I think they mean “mocking them with embarrassing clips.” And I guess “professionalism” means “keeping the show in the news by having catfights via US Weekly.”

We “paid respect” to Randy first, who looked like he was auditioning for “Revenge of the Nerds V.” The producers have to be commended for not going for the obvious: his usage of the words “dawg” and “pitchy.” Instead we revisited the many times he has said “for me” and “for you.” For me though, it was funny enough, dawg, as I guess his outfit was too “recent” to be featured.

Next up was Kara’s repeated usage of the words “sweetie” and “honey” while crushing dreams. Example: “Sweetie, you seem really nice, but you should have a psychological assessment if you really thought you had a chance. Oh, and you’re fat, too.” OK, I made that quote up but they all had that same gist to them.

A lot of people have not given Kara the proper credit she deserves. I think she was an asset to this season, not only due to her singing and songwriting abilities, but also due to her commitment to cutting the BS, like, say, another female judge, which brings us to ...

The producers were clearly wary of a lawsuit when it came to Paula’s clips. Rather than poking fun at her odd metaphors or even her QVC jewelry, they opted instead to tease her for her interesting and extensive vocabulary. Not very funny, seeing as most of the words (“brilliance,” “authentic”) are ones that most of us use each day.

They should’ve just gone for the easy laugh and played back her performance of “I’m Just Here for the Music.” To use one of Paula’s vocabulary words, that was “infectious!” (Wait, “infectious” means “bad,” right, like an infection?)

Up next was Sexy ...er ... Simon Cowell and his “hearing problem.” I don’t care whether he can hear or not, as long as he shows up in his tight T-shirts and says mean things. He is the star of the show, enough said.

Seacrest brought out Kris and Adam, and we checked in with their hometowns. The nauseatingly annoying Mikalah Gordon from Season 4 was back as the Conway, Arkansas, special correspondent. (Why, God?) Last season’s rocker chick, Carly Smithson, reported from San Diego with Allison Iraheta hair.

Donned in all-white outfits, the Top 13 performed Pink’s “So What.” OMG! I had all but forgetten the hilarity that was Scott MacIntyre during choreography! At one point towards the end, it looked like the final showdown was between Glambert and him, rather than Kris, as they were the only two left onstage as the others ran through the audience. Then I realized that someone had to remain onstage to be Scott's “handler.” (Nice way to get more stage time, Adam!)

The first surprise of the night was a performance from last year’s winner David Cook. The second surprise was the tears that welled up once I listened to the lyrics of “Permanent” and realized they were written for his brother, Adam, who succumbed to brain cancer just a few weeks ago.

The evil iTunes/”Idol” empire has finally been used for the greater good, ya’ll! Cook announced that the proceeds for every iTunes download of “Permanent” would go to ABC Squared, benefitting cancer research. Get out there and download, people! You can make a difference!

Next up was a cheesy yet entertaining way to fill time (and make sure Fox got ratings for a full two hours and six minutes) with something called the “Golden Idol Awards.” “Outstanding Male” recalled the best of the worst from the first round of auditions plus ... Nick Mitchell/Norman Gentle. Nick, of course, received the award in a hooded sweatshirt and pants and then, like Clark Kent going into the phone booth, he morphed into Norman Gentle before our eyes and performed “And I Am Telling You” yet again.

Forgotten Idol Lil Rounds performed “Cue the Rain” with the amazing Queen Latifah. I love the Queen but it seems that Mary J. Blige would’ve been a better choice, as Rounds was often compared to her. Then again, Latifah is the one who had an album to promote.

After the break, Anoop Desai and Alexis Grace started off Jason Mraz’s “I’m Yours” before introducing the singer himself. Seeing Alexis Grace on stage reminded me again that she should’ve made it to at least the Top 5.

 

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