We’re back with another roundup of tonight’s late-night monologues.
The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien
Hi, I’m Conan O’Brien, and I’m just three days away from the biggest drinking binge in history.
Yesterday there were rallies for me in cities across the country, including Chicago. You can tell things are bad when even Cubs fans feel sorry for you.
It’s been a busy day for me today. I spent the afternoon at Universal Studios’ amusement park, enjoying their brand-new ride, the “Tunnel of Litigation.”
Some papers are reporting that I’m legally prohibited from saying anything bad about NBC. For example – I am NOT allowed to say things like: “NBC is headed downhill faster than a fat guy chasing a runaway cheese-wheel.”
Some papers are reporting that I’m legally prohibited from saying anything bad about NBC. But nobody said anything about speaking in Spanish. “NBC esta manejado por hijos de cabras imbeciles que comen dinero y evacuan problemas.” (NBC is run by brainless sons of goats who eat money and crap trouble.”)
Some other stories in the press are saying that in the future I may not be able to retain what is known as my show’s “intellectual property.” Isn’t it great to live in a country where a cigar-smoking dog puppet and a bear that masturbates are considered “intellectual property?”
I have to say, all of our problems with NBC really did sneak up on us quite suddenly. But I should have seen this coming. During the few months we’ve been doing this show, there were definitely things that should have tipped me off. I’ll give you an example, check this out. (cut to: applause sign) There’s our applause sign…(applause sign blinks) but look at the sign below it…(camera pans up to reveal sign that reads, “humor him for 7 months”)
I’ve been thinking a lot about what I’m going to do with all my new free time. Here are my plans so far for next week. Check it out:
-Introduce myself to my children.
-Connect all my freckles with a Sharpie.
-Play Beatles Rock Band until I reach “Level Yoko.”
-Make a cameo appearance on “Gossip Girl” as Blaine Wilcox, a mysterious albino playboy.
-Legally change my name to “No-Show Jones.”
-Finally make good on my plan to backpack through India with "The Situation."
-Return La Bamba to the kindly old carpenter who made him.
-Have my “TONIGHT SHOW FOREVER” tattoo changed to “OH, SHOW OVER?”
-Make a big move to Fox. Megan Fox.
Late Show with David Letterman
“Hey, here’s something: you know, up in Massachusetts, the big election, you following what’s going on up there? Ted Kennedy’s Senate seat, which Ted had for 40, 45 years, something like that, a mainstay, a landmark, the lion of the Senate, Ted Kennedy. His seat is now up for grabs, and the election is pretty close, and I was thinking, you know, by God, my money’s on Jay Leno.”
“This was – I thought this was fascinating: last night on Jay Leno 10 PM NBC variety show, Jay Leno said that this NBC ‘Tonight Show’ is not his fault. Is not his fault, and I said, ‘I know. I know it’s not his fault. But it isn’t funny that he always turns up at the scene of the crime?’”
“I’ll tell you, don’t kid yourself, I’m getting beat up in this thing, too, by God. I got my feelings hurt pretty bad. Listen to this: there were more people turned up for the ‘Keep Conan’ rally than turned up at the ‘Fire Letterman’ rally.”
“They’re saying now – and we don’t know this officially – but they’re saying that Conan O’Brien’s last show as the NBC – host of the NBC ‘Tonight Show’ will be Friday. And I was thinking, ‘You know, if CBS had a sense of humor, they’d send a guy out here right now to fire me.”
“I thought this was courageous on Conan O’Brien’s part – he says he wants to work for a network that is more trustworthy than NBC. Wants to work for a network that is more trustworthy than NBC – well, how about Al-Jazeera?”
"And believe me, I’m not the kind of guy that likes to pile on when somebody else is having trouble. That’s not my style. ‘Live and let live is my motto. But I’m going to tell you now – and you’re not going to hear this anywhere else – here’s how bad things are at NBC out there in Burbank at the headquarters of NBC out there in Burbank. Here’s how bad they are: earlier today, the NBC peacock walked into a KFC and surrendered.”
“Chemical Ali, they say, actually singlehandedly killed 40,000 Kurds. Now, don’t confuse Chemical Ali with the guy that killed NBC – that was Chemical Zucker.’”