Hear me, members of the coven. A new moon is rising on these November nights, a new day will dawn across the land -- and the “Twilight Saga” is doomed.
Yes, we’ve seen the frenzy “Twilight” causes. We know that the conventional wisdom is that “New Moon” will outperform the first “Twilight” film -- which made almost $384 million worldwide and $168 million on DVD. But there’s more going on than meets the eye.
Heed our warning now. In the long term, the "Twilight” saga has a stake through its heart. Here are 6 (66) reasons why …
1. IT’S BORING.Peel off the PR and the fact is the books are badly written. As “New Moon” proves all too well, nothing happens in the movies. The characters are caricatures, with Bella Swan as a nightmare needy girlfriend, Edward Cullen a total cold fish and Jacob Black as an alluring but emotionally insecure werewolf. There’s pointless plodding for plot. This isn’t even soap opera -- it's just suds with no opera. 
Want to see a good sexy vampire movie full of passionate love, longing glances and suffering souls? Take the advice of Lauren Bacall. The legendary actress, who knows a thing or two about movies and true love, told her granddaughter earlier this year, after watching the first “Twilight,” about the real-deal undead. It’s called “Nosferatu.” It came out in 1922. Watch it.
2. LOW-WATTAGE LEADING MAN.
Robert Pattinson is not actually on screen for much of “New Moon.” The sequel is really about the growth (or lack thereof) of Bella Swan, played by Kristen Stewart and her hair, when Pattinson's Edward Cullen leaves her to save her, and about her budding romance with the devoted Jacob Black. And, yet, it is Pattinson’s star power that drives the marketing of the movie. Expect mucho disappointment.
What's more, Pattinson -- who as an already 100-year-old vampire is not supposed to age -- is at 23 already looking too old to play a teenager. He doesn't even have, say, the height advantage that keeps Daniel Radcliffe believable in the "Harry Potter" franchise.
What's more, given all the acclaim being thrown his way, by the time the fourth (or fifth?) "Twilight" book is ready to be filmed, Pattinson will clearly hope to be deep into a career following the path of Leonardo DiCaprio, who went from “Titanic” to being Martin Scorsese’s main man.
Of course, you have to have some degree of acting range to pull that off. And if Pattinson's inarticulate inability to open an envelope, let alone a film on his own -- see “Little Ashes,” oh, that’s right, nobody did -- is any indication, the future for the actor might be best prophesied in two words: Mark Hamill.
3. A CHRIS IS NOT A CATHERINE.
She may overdo it with the handheld camera and be a bit flat in her setups, but director Catherine Hardwicke certainly brought an intimacy and, as the baseball game scene deftly displays, a sense of urgent style to the first “Twilight” flick.
