This year you can finally put an end to that vicious cycle of making New Year’s resolutions and then failing to live up to them. To guide you in this endeavor, I’ve taken a page straight out of the modern day parenting handbook.
Just as children are now showered with accolades for a different class of achievement (e.g., signing up, attending, participating), you too will succeed in 2012 not by the arcane means of putting in time and effort but by carefully crafting your goals upfront. Setting the bar appropriately will ensure that you’ll achieve everything you commit to do and more. Here’s a list of resolutions for you to adopt in the coming year:
1. Cap Weight Gain: Put on no more than 10 pounds before the summer. Maintain current intake levels of carbs, sugar and animal-based produce. Don’t stress about going organic, gluten free or multi-grain. Avoid documentaries about how our food is grown, harvested, killed or processed.
2. Make No Career Moves: Participate with restrained enthusiasm in water cooler
banter, office sports pools and the annual “secret Santa.” Otherwise, operate below the
radar. Make no requests with respect to promotions, more challenging assignments
or pay increases/bonuses. Refrain from contemplating “dream work situations” and
reject invitations to explore new opportunities.
3. Watch More TV: Upgrade from basic cable to the deluxe package. Learn to
download episodes from iTunes; borrow DVD box sets of “must see” series from
friends. Consider occasionally waking up earlier to squeeze in pre-work viewing
(but no pressure). Become versed in things Kardashian.
4. Give the Same: Donate approximately the same amount of money and volunteer
around the same amount of time as you did in 2011 (Note -- a 20% variance is
considered “close enough”).
5. Spend Less Time With Friends & Family: Create more “me” time. Avoid
making the extra effort to attend events, extend invitations and participate in
other traditional obligations (e.g., national and religious holidays). Respond to
approximately 40% of your phone, email and text messages (if you were a baseball
player, that would be like batting .400 and nobody’s done that since 1941). Change
status on social networks to “inactive”.
6. Get Passive on Finances: Refrain from buying or selling stocks, bonds, real
estate and precious metals. Put all “plans for the future” on hold (e.g., company
401k, college fund, life insurance, etc.). You’re probably not in the 1% so your odds
of investing successfully in this market are somewhere around the same as flapping your arms real hard and flying. Limit financial “plays” to shifting funds between checking and “high yield” savings.
7. Exercise Less: Decrease all forms of activity across the board by 25% -- less
walking, running, biking, hiking, skiing, surfing, swimming, etc. (basically cut down
on anything that has an “ing” in it). Make the car your best friend – elevators,
escalators and airport walkways will play the role of trusted companions.
