What kind of artist do we, as a culture, really value? An artful genius of technology or a masterful story weaver who uses technology?

James Cameron helped us answer that question with the astounding success of 1997’s “Titanic.” Stunning for its special effects -- who can forget the spectacle of that doomed ocean liner slipping beneath the waves? -- it barely merited a D-grade for its human story.

But even though the romance between working-class Jack Dawson (Leonardo DiCaprio) and upperclasswoman Rose DeWitt Bukater (Kate Winslet) was waterlogged with clichés, their fate was inextricably anchored to a nightmarishly powerful and real story.

And did we mention awesome effects? Even if the movie’d had Jar Jar Binks (the most annoying movie character of all time) in place of Leo, it would have been a smash. Cameron would still have celebrated...

Talk about lost in translation.

When American movies try to remake European ones, why do they fail so frequently?

Latest case in point: “Brothers,” starring Jake Gyllenhaal and Tobey Maguire and, in the worst bit of casting since John Wayne played Genghis Khan in 1950’s “The Conqueror,” Natalie Portman as a military wife.

Is it because English -- or Hollywood -- is the cultural equivalent of an X-ray machine that reduces all other languages and cultures to a sort of dorky banality? Is it because American scriptwriters can’t help themselves and have to write a different ending? Is it because you can’t really trade one culture for another when you retell a story?

Why did the English remake of a French film called “The Tall Blond with One Black Shoe,” have to be called “The Man with One Red Shoe?...

As “The Twilight Saga: New Moon” descends upon the multiplexes, it would be so easy, cheap and déclassé to unload on the whole phenomenon. Like Edward, the chaste vampire star of the movies and the books, I should resist the temptation.

Oh wait. I’m not Edward. And I’d like to talk about our disturbing attraction to fascism.   

Understanding Twilightmania requires that we understand the raging intensity of heart and hormones during the teen and tween years. We should also appreciate its Bollywoodesque code of sexual restraint: Edward is love with Bella, a non-vampire. He suppresses his desire to dentally mainline her blood supply because he loves her.

The idea seems to be that it takes one J.C. of a man (must be physically...

George Clooney staring intensely at a goat -- and willing it to die -- should be funny, right?

I mean, in a movie, not real life.

There he is -- in the self-explanatorily titled “The Men Who Stare at Goats” – eyes narrowed, as he tries to kill a tethered critter with his mind. Here’s man and beast united in a spaghetti western confrontation. Watching this, we should be falling about. So why aren’t we?

I believe it’s the corn.

I believe corn has become the bane of our food supply -- and our brains. If you’re with me on this, we’ll connect this terrible development to bad satire. And we’ll touch upon “Dr. Strangelove” and the documentary “Food Inc.” on the way.

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