The following is a transcript of President Obama’s interview with Zach Galifianakis on his Funny or Die show, “Between Two Ferns.”
Galifianakis: Sorry I had to cancel a few times. My mouse pad broke last week and I had to get my Great Aunt some diabetes shoes and uh…
Obama: Uh, you know what, Zach? It’s no problem. I mean, I have to say, when I heard that, like people actually watch this show, I was actually pretty surprised.
Galifianakis: Shh, shh! Hi, welcome to another edition of “Between Two Ferns.” I’m your host, Zach Galifianakis and uh, my guest today is Barack Obam…President Barack Obama.
Obama: Good to be with you, Zach.
Galifianakis: First question. In 2013, you pardoned a turkey. What do you have planned for 2014?
Obama: We’ll probably pardon another turkey. We do that every Thanksgiving. Was that depressing to you? Seeing that, uh, one turkey kinda taken out of circulation? A turkey you couldn’t eat?
Galifianakis: So, how does this work? Do you send Ambassador Rodman to North Korea on your behalf? I read somewhere that you’ll be sending Hulk Hogan to Syria, or is that more of a job for Tonya Harding?
Obama: Zach, he’s, he’s not our ambassador.
Galifianakis: What should we do about North Ikea? (Looks at paper) Kor… North…
Obama: Why don’t we move on?
Galifianakis: I have to know. What is it like to be the last black president?
Obama: Seriously? What’s it like for this to be the last time you ever talk to a president?
Galifianakis: It must kinda stink though, that you can’t run, you know, three times. You know?
Obama: No. Actually, I think it’s a good idea. Uh, if I ran a third time, it’d be sorta like doing a third “Hangover” movie. It didn’t really work out very well, did it?
Obama: Now I have to say that I’ve seen this show before and, uh, some of the episodes have probably been a little better than this. You know, for example, the one with Bradley Cooper, that was a great show.
Galifianakis: (muffled) Bradley Cooper…
Obama: He kinda carried that movie, didn’t he?
Galifianakis: Uh, which, which film are you speaking of?
Obama: Uh, those “Hangover” movies. He, he, basically, he carried them.
Galifianakis: Yeah, everybody loves Bradley. Good for him.
Obama: Good lookin’ guy.
Galifianakis: Being like that in Hollywood, that’s easy! Tall, handsome, that’s easy. Be short, fat, and smell like Doritos and try to make it in Hollywood.
Galifianakis: Is it going to be hard in two years when, uh, you’re no longer president and people will stop letting you win at basketball?
Obama: How, how does it feel having a three inch vertical?
Galifianakis: It’s a three inch horizontal so…
Galifianakis: Where are you planning on building your presidential library, in Hawaii or in your home country of Kenya? Because, I mean, both places seem like they would be…
Obama: Zach, that’s a ridiculous question.
Galifianakis: Well, you know, not to bring up the birth certificate question, but you really never did really produce your real…
Obama: (Interrupting) Where’s your birth certificate? Why, why don’t you show it to us right now?
Galifianakis: I don’t want to show anybody my birth certificate cause it’s embarrassing.
Obama: What’s embarrassing about it?
Galifianakis: My weight on it. It says I was born 7 lbs, 8 — hundred ounces.
Galifianakis: You know what I would do if I were president, Mr. President? I would make same-sex divorce illegal, then see how bad they want it.
Obama: I think that’s…why you’re not president. And that’s a good thing.
Galifianakis: You said if you had a son, you would not let him play football. What makes you think he would want to play football? What if he was a nerd like you?
Obama: You think a woman like Michelle would marry a nerd? I…why don’t you ask her whether she thinks I’m a nerd.
Galifianakis: Could I?
Obama: No. I’m not going to let her near you.
Galifianakis: So do you go any websites that are dot-coms, or dot-nets or do you mainly just stick with dot-govs?
Obama: No, actually, we go to dot-govs, have you heard of Health Care-dot-gov?
Galifianakis: Here we go, okay, let’s get this out of the way, what did you come here to plug?
Obama: Well, first of all, I think it’s fair to say that I wouldn’t be with you here today if I didn’t had something to plug. Have you heard of the Affordable Care Act?
Galifianakis: Oh yeah, I heard about that, that’s the thing that doesn’t work. Why would you get the guy that created the Zune to make your website?
Obama: Health Care-dot-gov works great now and millions of Americans have already gotten health insurance plans and what we want is for people to know that you can get affordable health care and most young Americans, right now they’re not covered and the truth is they can get coverage all for what it costs to pay your cell phone bill.
Galifianakis: Is this what they mean by drones?
Obama: The point is that a lot of young people think they’re invincible.
Galifianakis: Did you say invisible? Because uh…
Obama: No, no, not invisible, invincible. Meaning that they don’t think they can get hurt.
Galifianakis: I’m just saying that nobody could be invisible, if you had said invisible.
Obama: I understand that, if they get that health insurance they can really make a big difference, and they’ve got until March 31st to sign up.
Galifianakis: I don’t have a computer so how does…
Obama: Well, then you can call 1-800-318-2596.
Galifianakis: Oh, I don’t have a phone, I’m off the grid, I don’t want you people like, looking at my texts. Know what I mean?
Obama: First of all, Zach, nobody’s interested in your texts but second of all, you can do it in person, and the law means that insurers can’t discriminate against you if you’ve got a preexisting condition anymore.
Galifianakis: Yeah, but what about this, though? (Rolls up sleeve and shows Obama his arm)
Obama: That’s disgusting. How long have you had that?
Galifianakis: Oh, just four months.
Galifianakis: Spider bites. I got attacked by spiders.
Obama: Zach, you need to get that checked right away, you need to get on Health Care-dot-gov, because that’s one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever seen.
Galifianakis: Is your plug finally over?
Obama: Uh, I suppose so.
Galifianakis: So which country were you rooting for in the Winter Olympics?
Obama: Seriously? I’m the president of the United States. What do you think, Zach?
Galifianakis: I want to thank President Obama for being on the show.
Obama: I’m going to press this.
Galifianakis: Don’t touch that, please! (Obama presses red button, the backdrop falls to reveal the show is being filmed in the White House)
Galifianakis: Thanks for the interview and thanks for letting me shoot my show here all these years.
Obama: You’ve been shooting these shows…here in the diplomatic room? Who gave you permission to do that?
Obama: Seriously? Who gave him clearance?
(Galifianakis shakes Obama’s hand)
Galifianakis: Watch the spider bite!
Obama: That’s the other hand.
Galifianakis: They’re everywhere.
Watch the video below: