The Mayans assure me that the world is going to come to an end in just a few short years. To that I say, "Bring it on!" I’m actually hoping that due to some miscalculation (i.e., not accounting for Leap Year, abacus problems) will push that date forward to — oh maybe — tomorrow?
That’s right. Everyone’s favorite 36-18-33, mathematically impaired, Corvette-driving role model for young girls everywhere will soon have her own live-action movie! And I, for one, will not stand idly by as Universal Studios attempts to sully her reputation.
Laurence Mark, who will produce the film, attempted to quell the uprising from people like me when he told Variety that Barbie “has always been a wonderfully aspirational figure, so we must do her proud." But I’m not convinced.
This is the same man who produced "Glitter" (#91 on IMDB’s worst 100 movies ever) and "Cutthroat Island" (Guinness Book of World Records "winner" for Largest Box Office Loss). Sure another one of his projects — "Dreamgirls" — was nominated for eight Oscars, but you can’t deny the law of averages. Remember what happened when we put a C-student in the White House? It started off fine but ended up with chaos.
And who could possibly step into the role and adequately play the diva herself? Some might say a post-pubescent Dakota Fanning. Others have been suggesting Teen Queen Miley Cyrus. And still a few more might propose writer Michael Musto.
I say none of them are worthy of donning her tiara or living in her Dream House®. In fact there is no one person who can deliver the natural grace, elegance and that certain je ne sais quoi Barbie offers.
Finally, what could possibly be the story line? Barbie already has everything she could ever want. So it’s not like she’s gonna start off slinging hash at Norm’s while pursuing her dream of getting her GED. And what kind of sick person would write a script where Barbie has to play detective after everything from her Bob Mackie gown to her "Star Trek" uniform are stolen?
My point is that Barbie is already perfect. Anything a movie could offer would simply damage her pristine image. And I don’t want to live in a world with a substandard Barbie. No one should.
But go right ahead with the snuff film you’re working on for Ken. He’s useless.