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What brainiac enlisted the unfunny Jay Leno as the so-called entertainment of the upcoming White House Correspondents’ dinner (May 1)? Even if this deal was hammered out weeks before the Conan/Leno cagefight, who thinks this guy is or ever was funny? He still can’t tell a stolen, unfunny story without eyes darting back and forth to the teleprompter.

His jokes are lame-ass, worse than the dopiest Carson bits. Because Carson always knew when a bit bombed, and managed to make the knowing and the bombing made it funnier. Carson was a rare comic who epitomized class, elegance and dignified intelligence -- a Fred Astaire who could tell great stories, do bits and skewer the politicians.

The old days. Now we have lame Leno, who managed to create more fans for Conan by being himself (instead of stealing bits) and showing his true stripes, while martyr O’Brien rakes a fortune and won the public’s sympathy. The other guys -- Fallon and Kimmel and Ferguson will do fine, because their expectations are lowered. No offense. I happen to find Ferguson hysterical.

Letterman’s glee at the NBC debacle will win him a bigger share, too. Just wait until Leno cries out his mea culpas on Mother Oprah’s heaving boson, when he goes to her confessional. Poor Leno (but great ratings!). I hope that day’s audience is emboldened enough to ask about up my big-headed, ginger man. Maybe I’ll go myself if someone wants to sponsor me. Hey freelancers, are starving artists, too, you know.

So, what to do about late-night? After the recent late-night cat-fighting (which hasn’t been this bad since Letterman’s faux-angry bits taped on the "Cats" Broadway stage across the street from his studio), I’ve had it with Network TV.

Apparently so have millions of viewers from all demographics. I know the 20-somethings can’t tear themselves away from sexting each other to care, the 30-40-year-old demographic is hooked on their Blu-ray and sports packages, so what do they care? The only real losers are the 70s and up, weaned on Carson, left cheated and confused by Leno’s theft of Steve Allen’s bits and Conan’s masturbating bear.

As for the rest of us who need distraction from the implosion of democracy, even from Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, I found the perfect remedy. On the web. Television is dead, you know. Just like print journalism. It will out, and looks like the web is where it’s happening. Want the juicy bits of anything? Wait a day. Go directly to You Tube. NBC should be very, very scared.

Meanwhile, for those of you who want sheer entertainment in literal reality time, I urge you to visit my most favorite streaming video ever. It’s a mother Shiba-Inu dog who just gave birth to her second litter one week ago. There is a live stream of mother and pups doing their mother and pup thing all day and night. That’s it.

Kind of like the Yule Log. For those who remember that. Listening, Zucker? It’s bound to be more entertaining than Leno’s White House gig.