In what will go down in the annals of epic media memos, the Washington Post’s human resources department sent a note to staff on Wednesday assuring female staffers that they are safe from peeping Tom colleagues who would stare up their skirts.
In response to rumors that the newspaper’s new building’s glass railings allow people a “direct line of sight from the 7th floor up the skirts of hapless passersby on the 8th floor,” Human Resources VP Wayne Connell assured female staffers their skirts were safe.
HR “immediately dispatched investigators to the site, in an effort to recreate the offending scene,” he wrote in a seemingly joking manner judging by the subject line: “Relocation Update 38: The Empire Strikes Back.”
‘After multiple attempts, we were unable to create the precise conditions where such a view would be possible,” he continued, adding that HR “experimented with a variety of hemlines and styles, including some that [Post fashion critic] Robin Givhan has openly criticized.”
Alas, they couldn’t find any angle at which one could see up a woman’s skirt. Just in case, Connell revealed HR’s new “Behavioral Job Aid,” instructing employees standing in the seventh-floor hub to “continue moving forward, maintaining a neutral, almost vacant expression on your face.
In the final moment of mockery, HR seemed to jest at Donald Trump’s expense.
“To prevent a recurrence, we will build a wall around One Franklin Square. A beautiful wall, funded by foreign governments.”
Who said HR doesn’t have a sense of humor?
Read the full memo below.
To All Post Employees,
Following persistent rumors that the transparent glass railing surrounding the 8th floor view down to the Hub allows people a direct line of sight from the 7th floor up the skirts of hapless passersby on the 8th floor, HR immediately dispatched investigators to the site, in an effort to recreate the offending scene. After multiple attempts, we were unable to create the precise conditions where such a view would be possible. It is important to note that we experimented with a variety of hemlines and styles, including some that Robin Givhan has openly criticized. (Robin Givhan was not immediately available for comment.)
To prevent you or someone you know from attempting to create this line of sight, HR has developed a Behavioral Job Aid to maintain the decorum and demeanor appropriate to a professional operation such as ours. When standing in the 7th floor Hub, instead of staring upward, please adhere to the following protocol:
1. Continue moving forward, maintaining a neutral, almost vacant expression on your face.
2. Proceed to your work station.
3. Work.
4. Proceed home, maintaining the neutral, almost vacant expression until you have left the premises.
I need not tell you that this kind of behavior threatens the very fabric of The Washington Post. Skirt-gazing cads and Peeping Toms will face immediate deportation. To prevent a recurrence, we will build a wall around One Franklin Square. A beautiful wall, funded by foreign governments. Thank you for bringing this matter to our attention. We appreciate your cooperation.
Best,
Wayne