Ridiculous Royal Wedding Coverage: A Conspiracy to Make Us British Again

You probably didn’t realize that blacks, Jews and gays are pushing America into a state of fealty toward the crown, but one brave journalist has cracked the code

Slate.com managed to snag TheWrap's Ridiculous Royal Wedding Coverage of the Day award on Tuesday with Mark Oppenheimer's call to boycott Friday's nuptials between Prince William and Kate Middleton. A sound idea, in itself — until Oppenheimer matches the hysteria of Royal Wedding Fever sufferers with his own delirious suggestions.

In a dizzying essay that sprawls over 1,200 water-brained words, Oppenheimer not only opines that watching the ceremony is tantamount to treason. He also reveals that — gasp! — the Jews, the blacks and the gays are conspiring to undermine America's resolve and return us to a state of subservience to the British. And while it's possible that Oppenheimer is joking with his hernia-inducing reach, we certainly don't think so.

"[F]or an American to be excited about the royal wedding is undignified and lame," Oppenheimer writes. "And, I would add, if you get up at 3 a.m. on Friday to watch the wedding on television, you are a traitor to your country."

Taken alone, the statement might be dismissed as a harmless bit of hyperbole wrapped in misguided patriotism. But Oppenheimer doesn't stop there; instead, he floors it into Crazytown and proceeds to do donuts in the nuthouse parking lot.

According to Oppenheimer (and, presumably, the voice in his head that also tells him it's a good idea to lick electrical sockets), interest in the royal wedding is indicative of "a pernicious strain of Anglophilia in the United States" that threatens the anti-monarch tenets that our nation was founded on. And anyone who's ever eavesdropped at a John Birch Society meeting won't need three guesses to figure out who's to blame — at least according to Oppenheimer.

"The rejected-child aspect of Anglophilia helps explain why marginalized peoples are perhaps most susceptible to Anglophilia," posits Oppenheimer, with the clarity of a homeless man standing on a street corner hurling curses at the sun while pantless. "Just as Indians are more prone to Anglophilia today than Canadians are, in my own experience, a great number of the enthusiastic Anglophiles I have known have been gay men, Jews, or black people. They may perceive that the empire, and its personification the queen, is capacious enough to love them all. That even if their bosses or families or neighbors condescend to them, they are still enobled by being subjects of Her Royal Highness."

Good lord, Oppenheimer has cracked the code — minorities, through their relentless need for mainstream acceptance, are driving America toward a new colonialism, where fuzzy-hatted palace guards will stomp through the nation's streets, enforcing a strict code of mandatory crumpet-nibbling and dental neglect!

Perhaps, when that grim day comes, Oppenheimer can seek refuge by hiding under a sheet. One suspects that he might have a few of them hanging in his closet.