Somehow, in the endless barrage of coverage leading up to Friday's nuptials between Prince William and Kate Middleton, no one has answered the question that's been on everyone's lips: "What will Tori Spelling be doing on the big day?"
Until now, that is. People magazine has boldly stepped up to unravel the mystery of Spelling's royal wedding plans on Wednesday, managing to snag the coveted title of TheWrap's Ridiculous Royal Wedding Coverage of the Day in the process.
Fear not; for the former "Beverly Hills 90210" actress and heiress to Aaron Spelling's trash-TV fortune won't be spending the day alone. Au contraire, since the wedding kicks off at 3 a.m. West Coast time, she and husband Dean McDermott have invited a group of friends over for a sleep-over party, so that might all wake at an ungodly hour and soak in the spectacle together.
Upon arrival at Chez Spelling, guests will be issued "a pair of old fashioned button-up cotton PJs in their size, slippers, and, of course, a now famous Kate Middleton mini- hat (all homemade by me, of course!) to change into for the royal viewing," Spelling tells the magazine.
Then, surrounded by the Union Jack flags that Spelling will have festooned around her home, the gang will observe the sacred union while feasting on "traditional English fare such as tea sandwiches, scones, mini fish & chips, mini meat pies, and, for dessert, a homemade berry trifle, of course! Beverages of tea, Pimm's cocktails, mimosas and pints will be served."
But Spelling's hospitality won't end when the "I do's" are exchanged; she has some lovely parting gifts for the visitors: "Each guest will leave with a mini Mason jar filled with my homemade trifle and sealed with a Union Jack flag and mini wooden spoon to enjoy."
Presumably, the spoons will be for the guests to pry their eyeballs out with, in a desperate attempt to un-see the inanity they've just witnessed.
Having unwrapped the mystery of Tori Spelling's Royal Wedding Day plans, hopefully People can move on to other pressing matters in its next issue. Such as how Peter DeLuise plans to spend Bastille Day. Or what Carrot Top will be doing during my next dental appointment.
