‘Bachelorette’ Episode 8: Jillian 1, Wes 0.
Tonight’s episode begins in Madrid. The show starts with Jillian thinking out loud about the boys. We get a lot of rehashing of previous intimacies that she has shared with the final four.
This may be cool for those who are just tuning in, but we who have been watching since the start don’t need this rehashing. Blah blah blah … we learn nothing new, and I will never get these last seven minutes of my life back.
Kiptyn is first up and they are both enjoying Spain. They talk about his family — who Jillian says she likes — which is strange because they were certainly the oddest of the families.
Kip tells her that a proposal is likely out of the question by the time the show is over. Jillian appears to disagree, which proves her idealistic views regarding love and romance.
They take a flamenco dancing class, and I’m digging the dance instructor — she’s cool. I haven’t seen choreography this stiff though since the Lee Harvey Oswald prison transfer (in the movie JFK, of course, as I’m just a bit too young to remember it). “Flamenco and me should never hang out again,” Kip says. Never a truer statement has been made.
After dance class, they take a scooter ride around Madrid, and Kip practically takes out a parking pole near the restaurant. At dinner, Jillian is concerned that Kip’s tight Flamenco suit may have “ruined the boys.”
Naturally, the subject of kids comes up. They eat escargot. Yuck. Their conversation seems natural and honest. Senor camarero (the waiter) brings a letter from Chris saying that they can choose to take a room together for a, ahem, nightcap. Jillian inexplicably rejects the chance to spend the night with him, but says she wants to cuddle.
Kip says he respects her decision, and calls down to housekeeping to ensure the water is extra cold for his shower later. They cuddle and kiss goodnight at her door.
Reid is next and they are in Seville. They go to a bakery and have trouble with the Spanish language, but Reid is doing his damndest to try. My Spanish may be pretty weak, but Reid appears to be talking in Italian. Jillian tells the camera that Reid isn’t the guy she pictures herself with, but she loves the way he makes her feel (the way he makes her feel). Had to throw in a Michael Jackson reference…
They take a picnic on the bench and they have a somewhat awkward conversation. They kiss. After the commercial it’s nighttime and they dine by a body of water.
Jillian appears slightly intoxicated before the meal arrives. Their dinner conversation is as awkward as their lunch banter, but they seem to be happy. The spark they share isn’t as palpable as the one she shares with Kip.
Here comes the nightcap card, and Reid is leaving the decision up to her, as it’s the “gentleman thing to do.” Jillian gives him almost the exact same speech she gave Kip about her decision to forego the fantasy suite.
Understatement alert: “Sucks for me,” says Reid. He jealously doesn’t want her to take the other guys up on the nightcap card, and she placates him with a kiss. He gives her a piggyback ride before they say goodbye. Wheeeee! No cuddle time for Reid, however.
Ed is up next, also in Seville. Crikey! Jillian is dressed like Steve Irwin. They take a carriage ride. Ed rambles on about his decision to put Jillian above his career. This works its magic on Jillian, who kisses him. They dine at an outdoor cafe and discuss his family and how the visit would have gone should she have taken part in the family date…
These two are making out like a couple in the seventh grade that has just discovered the wonders of tonsil hockey. On the evening date they dine on the patio of some ancient edifice that looks quite pretty. They speak about the possibility of her moving to Chicago. Ed’s view on kids: “Who wouldn’t want another little me?” He says he would be really good at being a dad. Nightcap card arrives, and Ed is all over it.
Jillian, who is really getting good at perfecting the turndown speech, gives Ed the long, drawn out version but tells him she wants to hang out with him a bit longer and check out the fantasy suite. They hop on the bed and talk more and their hands intertwine in some serious hand intercourse. It isn’t clear whether they actually spend the night together with clothes on, Jonas Brothers style.
Wes is last, and they’re in Barcelona. Wes talks about having a #1 song in Chihuahua, Mexico. Shut up, Wes.
They take a bike ride and my hopes of some kid approaching them with a big stick and sticking it in Wes’s spokes are dashed — didn’t happen. Wes is feeding her a bunch of BS about her being perfect as he sits far away from her. Huh? Jillian says she’s not feeling romance! Has she actually smartened up about this douchebag?
Wes is acting like a real a-hole, as confirmed by his response to her speaking seriously of their future: “That bird has only one foot.” Nice. Dinnertime, and Jillian is wondering why Wes is so distant. She calls him out on his lack of affection, and his arguments hold as much water as a recently drained pool. The girlfriend comes up, and Wes is scrambling madly.
Nightcap card comes out — couldn’t have come at a more awkward moment, but Wes thinks it’s a good idea! Really, dude? Finally, Jillian has actually come to the conclusion that we all came to long ago… Wes is not for her. The date ends abruptly.
Worst. 'Bachelorette.' Ever. (Yawn.)
Rose ceremony is here, and for the first time, I’m not digging her choice of formalwear. Wes says that if he’s going home, he’s going to be back in Austin having lots of sex. This guy is more of a loser than we’ve given him credit for.
There is no preamble with Chris and Jillian gets right to it. Roses go to Ed, Reid, and … Kiptyn! Yes! Wes is outta here, ladies and gentlemen. Jillian asks to walk him out, but doesn’t say a word to him as they descend toward the limousine.
In the comfort of the limo, he admits to having a girlfriend: “The first guy to make the final four on the ‘Bachelorette’ with a girlfriend.” He tells the camera that he’s a free man and is ready to hit the town, making this the most obnoxious reality show exit ever.
Next week? Hawaii.