Bipartisan support for chimp retirement plan
Hold off before you claim the current Congress hasn't accomplished anything, Stephen Colbert says: They've come together on an excellent retirement plan for chimps.
On Wednesday's “The Colbert Report,” Colbert noted that, okay, technically this is the least-productive Congress in history. But that's only if you go by such criteria as the number of laws they've passed.
But what about the chimps? Democrats and Republicans have united, he said, on a plan to retire government research chimps to Louisiana — “because not even psychologically scarred apes want to live in Florida.”
“This is great news because it means Congress can agree on a social safety net, as long as it's not for human beings,” Colbert said.
Maybe congressmen like the chimps because they have so much in common with them? Colbert suggested the animals could even do the lawmakers’ jobs.
“They've got the experience you need,” he said. “They jerk off in public and throw shit at each other.”
Watch the video: