At his Comedy Central roast, no one hit Charlie Sheen harder than he hit himself.
"When I did 'Ferris Bueller,' my first line in the movie was 'drugs,'" he said from the podium. "I thought they were asking me how I wanted to be paid."
As Ashton Kutcher takes his place on "Two and a Half Men," Sheen submitted to a roasting Saturday night led by "Family Guy" creator Seth MacFarlane. Sheen gamely tolerated jokes by William Shatner, Mike Tyson, Jon Lovitz, Steve-O and "Roastmaster General" Jeffrey Ross. They focused on his family, firing, and -- perhaps -- his impending death.
But Sheen had some of the best lines. He said that through his troubles he's realized how lucky he is. "I still have a family that loves me, and that's why they're not here tonight."
He added that they've seen him in jail, "but seeing me on basic cable would kill them."
Sheen also said the roasters couldn't singe him too badly: "You can't hurt me. Hell, I can't even hurt me," he said, referencing his "Major League" character: "I'm the Wild Thing, Ricky f--king Vaughn, man."
You can see the broadcast Sept. 19. Until then, here's TheWrap's moment-by-moment recap:
7:42 p.m.: Roast master MacFarlane starts off by saying Comedy Central is too cheap to get a hype man and questions something we wondered about too: "Why are there missiles on stage?" Are these violent torpedoes of truth?
7:45 p.m.: As the guests come out, MacFarlane wonders why "Private Practice" star Kate Walsh is here... and then Jeffrey Ross appears in his Muammar Qaddafi outfit. Oh lord.
7:57 p.m.: Though the roasters are on stage, the roast has not begun. Mike Tyson and William Shatner kill time by talking about... "Star Trek"? Boxing? Howard Zinn?
8 p.m.: The roast kicks off with Ozzy Osbourne's "Crazy Train" -- also the theme of the roast promos.
8:07 p.m.: MacFarlane says Sheen's funeral on "Two and a Half Men" will be followed by his actual death in two months. He then presents a fake obit, saying it is the same as that of Amy Winehouse. The only things different are the gender, location of the body, and the part about Winehouse having talent.
8:10 p.m.: MacFarlane goes after the roasters, telling Mike Tyson to fix his teeth, asking Kate Walsh why she's there, and making a comment about Brooke Mueller and a knife.
8:20 p.m.: MacFarlane continues references to what he says is Sheen's impending death. He also jokes about cocaine, sexual organs and Sheen's career. He draws in roaster Jon Lovitz. Some PG highlights?
"It's pretty clear Sheen won't remember anything from the night. Lovitz -- fill him in on what he missed -- like his 50s."
"How do you get fired from 'Two and a Half Men'? Do they haul you in and say sorry, you don’t suck enough?"
8:25 p.m.:
