Stephen Colbert opened his Thursday night "Colbert Report" monologue by saying, "Folks, I've got a confession to make: I'm no fan of Barack Obama. There I said it — somebody had to."
Colbert continued, "But I am a fan of how he's handled the War on Terror, by following the exact same policies laid out by President Bush, who followed the exact same policies laid out by President Cheney."
Colbert was referring to the ongoing controversy over drone use. He defends the 2001 congressional resolution called the "Authorization for Use of Military Force," which Obama wants to repeal. Colbert calls the resolution, "A svelte 60 words of eternal war-justifying deliciousness."
With the AUMF in place, no one is safe outside of Colbert Nation — not even the heavenly St. Peter, of whom Colbert has his suspicions about from his time spent in the Middle East 2,000 years ago. The monologue then seamlessly switched to discussion of Ryan Gosling and Matthew McConaughey's abs, as only Colbert can do.
Finally, the America-loving host introduced us to what is sure to become a new favorite linking-terrorists-to-9/11 game, "6 Degrees of Guys Who Don't Eat Bacon." The game is sure to revolutionize the justifcation of drone use — Just don't play it out in public.