Batting practice, beheaded animals, and they’re on a BOAT. Typical night on “The Bachelor”
We're back in Los Angeles, and Ali is babbling at the camera again about being excited or something.
I've learned to effectively tune her out while still being able to get the gist of what she's trying to say.
So first up for the family meet-and-greet is Roberto in Tampa Bay. We're only three seconds into their meeting and Ali laughs her annoying laugh. This is going to be a loooong night…
They're meeting at Roberto's school (cause it's a big part of who he is), and he shows her to the baseball diamond where he used to play collegiate ball. The cheesiness is stepped up to a whole new level when he presents her with her own baseball jersey, then shows up in his old uniform (which works wonders on her libido).
It's not long before she's holding his bat while he's got his arms around her from behind (I can't make this stuff up, kiddies). They play some pitch and catch and seem to be really enjoying themselves. Then, to cap off the date, he hands her his own baseball card from his minor league days.
They talk about his parents and what's to come for the big parental meeting. They kiss. Cut to commercial.
It's time to meet the Rodriguezes and the family is very welcoming. Ya know what? Roberto's mom has kinda got it goin' on. Hey mom, can I have some MILF with those cookies?
How does the convo go with Roberto's supposedly tough dad? Roberto Sr. is very proud of Roberto and comes across as genuine. He's got some tough questions for Ali, and, to her credit, she answers them quite well. Roberto has a heart-to-heart with his mom and she gives him his blessing. Roberto Sr. is ditto on the blessing thing, which makes Roberto damn happy. Ali wonders whether the other families can live up to the Rodriguezes, who, for the record, can cut a rug with the best of them (and did I mention that his mom was totally hot?)
Next up in Cape Cod is Chris, who is playing ball with his very adorable dog. The dog overruns Ali when she arrives at the beach, which means the pooch was probably waiting for someone better to come along. Wait… hold on a sec…
There’s a plane flying overhead and it lands on the beach. What the heck? Can it be? Yes, it's Jake, and he's here to steal the spotlight once again. He tells Ali that she's always been the one for him, and that Vienna was just one big mistake.
Ali apologizes to the producers and they run off into the sunset, never to be seen again. Or maybe that's just what I wish would have happened. One can dream, can't he?
It's raining outside, which isn't putting a damper on their enjoyment. Chris makes a joke about whales out there having sex, and, although it's not what I would use as a way to segue into something sexual, it seems to work on Ali.
They enter his childhood home, and pictures of Chris as a kid show him looking like Beaver Cleaver. Ali is very comfortable. They play husband and wife and man, this guy is WAY too good for her and this show. Damn, he is so head over heels in love with her. Poor guy.
Chris's dad arrives and everything is already very comfortable. The brothers and sisters-in-law walk in next and golly gee, everyone is just so damn nice in this house. Dad tells the story about how he met Chris's mom, which is a very touching moment. Ali and dad have a good conversation about helping loved ones in need, and the importance of a good partner.
With moments like these it's a shame that this show is such a disaster in finding true love. Meagan, Chris's sister-in-law, is concerned about the fact that there is competition for him. Dad and Chris chat and they agree that Ali is a keeper. Perhaps they see something in her that we don't? The date ends with the two kissing on top of a tower. Hey, kids, Ali just came up with a new word: warmness. Anyway: you go, Chris and family. You guys are awesome.
Time for Kirk and the cheesehead city of Green Bay.
Kirk's parents don't speak, so this should be interesting. I thought there were some awesome lines from this season so far, but none that quite prepare us for the first words to come out of Kirk's dad's mouth: "So Ali, would you like to go see my basement?" Those crazy Wisconsinites! Ominous music plays, and Kirk says, "Have fun! Hope you come back with everything intact."
Uh oh, instead of a collection of human remains, we find out he's actually a taxidermist. I revive my wife from her fainting at the sight of all the dead animals, and we learn that he's taxidermed thousands of animals. Ali is freaked out, and becomes even more so when she's shown The Freezer. Nope, no dead bodies. Whew.
When they finally get a chance to sit down and talk, his dad really isn't quite as creepy as he first appeared to be. Maybe I spoke to soon, because the next words, spoken in a totally awkward manner, out of dad's mouth are: "I'd love to see Ali around here all the time." The first part of the date ends with them playing soccer with Kirk's adopted sister. Next up, we get to meet mom, grandma, and sister. Ali appears to hit it off with the three women in Kirk’s life as they sit down to dinner. Ali and mom have a nice chat about Kirk's sickness, and they share a touching moment. Mom tells Kirk that she likes her a lot; it's too bad because there is not a chance that Ali feels the same love for her son.
Last but not least is Frank in Chi-town. They're excited to see each other as they embark on a boat for some sightseeing. Frank rambles on about the importance and severity of this whole endeavor, comparing it to a mind game. He's pretty uncomfortable, and it's apparent that something is rotten in the state of
It's parent time, and we meet mom, dad, sister and brother-in-law. There's good energy at the table, but sister looks concerned. Mom and Ali move outdoors and mom comes right out and asks if her son is right for Ali. Frank is voicing his concerns with sis and brother-in-law, but sis still seems skeptical. Sis tells Ali that Frank's emotions are clouding his head; Ali isn't concerned. Frank and his dad have a good talk, where dad gives his blessing on Ali. They keep referring to these "other elements", which we can only assume will come into play next week. Once again, a good time was had by all. Has there ever been a bad family visit on this show?
Time for the rose ceremony where Chris takes Ali through a redundant five-minute rehash of the family dates. Ali cries, thinking how difficult this is going to be. Chris wishes the boys all the best, and Ali comes out with her best dress of the season so far. Nice! She's still crying. But, it's time for roses. They go to: Roberto, Chris, and… Frank. Sorry, Kirk, it just wasn't there for you and Ali. Don't beat yourself up over it, dude. Ali actually seems pretty torn up about letting him go; maybe there's a heart in there. The show ends as Kirk tells the camera that his heart is bruised. Awww.
Next week? Tahiti, where Jake may just stop by to prove that he is in fact a fame whore.
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