‘The Bachelorette’ Finale: Erupting Volcanoes and a Proposal

The show opens with Jillian talking to the camera, smiling and saying, “I’ve probably done everything I swore I’d never do.”   Can you elaborate on that?   Anyway, Ed is up first, and he says he’s in love with her. It’s time to meet the family! Gramma says Ed is terrifically good looking, and […]

The show opens with Jillian talking to the camera, smiling and saying, “I’ve probably done everything I swore I’d never do.”

 

Can you elaborate on that?

 

Anyway, Ed is up first, and he says he’s in love with her. It’s time to meet the family! Gramma says Ed is terrifically good looking, and everyone seems to like Ed from the get-go. The show plays up the drama of Ed telling his story of leaving, and there are some serious looks of concerns on papa Glen and mama Peggy’s face.

 

Peggy has 76 (as in trombones) questions for Ed, and reads them all from a sheet of paper. Is she getting these questions from PsychologistsRUs, I wonder? “Really good answers,” Mom says. Is that it?

 

Jillian has a heart-to-heart with Mom, and Mom does a nice job of reading Jillian’s energy.

 

Now Ed is meeting papa Glen, and the conversation turns towards a possible proposal. “I’ll be doing somersaults,” Dad says. Ed has won him over, and the men seem to have a good father/son-in-law chemistry. After this, the family (without Mom) does a hula.

Now it’s Kiptyn’s turn. Looking at them, their chemistry appears much more physical than anything else. Not surprising, they spend more time kissing than talking.

 

Meeting the family, they sit together for a meal and the conversation seems to flow very naturally. Peggy brings out her list of questions and grills Kip, and like Ed, Peggy seems to be enjoy his company and his answers. While cousin Tori was quiet for Ed, she gets more camera time for Kip. Now Kip moves on to Glen and Dad asks him if he’s in love.

 

“I’m getting there,” is what Kip says first, which seems to have surprised Dad. From what we’ve been shown, it appears as if the family likes Ed more.

After the commercial, Jillian is having trouble because she’s in love with two people. What does the family think of the boys? Cousin likes Kip more. Mom also likes Kip more, but thinks Ed loves her more. Dad agrees that Ed is the one who knows his feelings, and that he is “deeper.” We know whom Dad likes.

 

Jillian pulls Tori aside to have a girl-to-girl. Surprisingly, this conversation doesn’t bear any productive fruit (at least from what we’ve been shown on camera), but Tori will support her no matter what.

Now it’s time for the final date, and Ed is up. Helicopter ride over volcano looking very beautiful. There’s a good sexual innuendo about erupting volcanoes, but nah … 

 

After the ride, they take a picnic in the middle of a rainforest. You’re right, Ed, this does look very romantic. Over the sound of flowing waters, Ed conjures up a list of things that she’s dying to hear, ending with “You’re perfect for me,” and “I’ll never leave you again.”

 

This guy is pulling out all the stops, folks!

 

They swim under a waterfall and make out a lot. Jillian is worried that Ed will stress out, and that the two letters of his name don’t rear their ugly head (E-D, as in erectile dysfunction). C’mon, like you weren’t thinking it.

 

Back at the hotel, they’re on the bed and Ed says, “I love you.”

 

“The sexual chemistry was still there,” Jillian says, as they make out on the bed as ABC shows an erupting volcano (what did I tell you about those volcanoes) before the fadeout to commercial.

Kip’s turn for his final date, and it’s a speedboat cruise. They paddle out to the shore of a private beach for a picnic. Jillian: “Kiptyn is the best catch I’ve met in my entire life.” To me, Jillian may love Kiptyn more but her insecurity about his love for her is keeping Ed in the game.

 

Back at the hotel in the evening, Kip discusses his stress over everything and how he doesn’t want to lose her. He tells her that he’s falling in love with her, and Jillian is ecstatic. He admits that he wants her to move with him to San Diego and spend life with him, his friends and his family.

 

Random question: how do these people make out in front of cameras like they do? In movies it’s all acting, but this is real, and it must be creepy.

The day has come for Jillian’s big decision. “Both of these men are perfect for me but in different ways.” My suggestion? Move to Utah and marry them both. Now that "Big Love" has come off the rails quality-wise, HBO can do a reality show about these three. Just putting it out there…

 

Neil Lane (my wife says he’s a famous jeweler) appears and helps Kip pick out rings. Ed wants to hear Jillian tell him that she loves him back and then goes to pick out his ring for her. Jillian is crying to the camera worrying about how she’s going to have to send one man home. Again, one word to solve your dilemma: Utah.

 

Both men are pumped about proposing. Maybe it’s because I’m new to this Bachelor/ette thing, but isn’t it bizarre having two guys proposing to a girl on the same day? Chris brings Jillian out and wishes her good luck– there’s still 54 minutes left, so we know we’re not getting any answers anytime soon.

 

Jillian has definitely made her decision, and the boys arrive by limo.

 

Kip is first, and is very nervous, but does a good job of putting his feelings into words. However, Jillian, in tears, turns him down by saying she’s in love with someone else. Denied!

 

Wow, this is unexpected. “Ed’s a lucky man,” Kip says. But is it Ed, or Reid, who we know figures into this somehow? Kip is in the limo and stares sadly into the ring box. Jillian calls letting Kip go “excruciating.” Do they really need to have the cameras on Kiptyn as he’s crying? I feel for him; this seems rather cruel.

Ed is on his way and Jillian is ready to get engaged. However, Reid pulls up in a budget taxi and tells the camera that he had to pull a lot of strings to get back to Hawaii. He’s ready to propose. Is he wearing white shoes with a dark suit? Dude, even on Jerry Seinfeld it wasn’t a great look.

 

Strangely, Jillian is not surprised to see him. “I was an idiot,” Reid says, and follows it with an “I love you.” Jillian is confused. Reid continues to plead his case and gets down to one knee — Reid has officially proposed.

 

Jillian needs to think about it. This is quite the conundrum, n’est-ce pas? Jillian asks if Reid can wait, and we cut to commercial.

Jillian is torn up, and Chris comes in to ask the tough question: Who are you in love with? And, he tells her that deep down, she really knows (Ed). I’m getting to like Chris more and more as the show goes on. He rocked last week for the Men Tell All show.

 

Anyway, Jillian goes back to Reid and turns him down. Should we feel more sorry for Reid for coming all this way again, or for Kiptyn? Reid is surprised, but doesn’t appear to be as heartbroken as Kip.

 

Reid gets into the taxi and makes her shut the door. He seems more in shock than anything else. “That’s a shame,” Reid says. Even after being denied, Reid still pulls a funny. “Ed better not f—ing disappoint me,” Jillian says before the commercial.

We are now ready for Jillian and Ed to become engaged. Ed proposes, the drama is over, and we can all go home happy, knowing that these two — at least from what we’ve been shown over the course of the show — have found love. And I thought this thing would never work.

 

All the best to you, Jillian and Ed. I sincerely hope this works for you guys.

The show ends with a country song, but thankfully not Wes’.

 

Mark out.