‘Bachelorette': Tahiti Trick or Tahiti Treat?

A chance to have all the free sex Ali wants with three different guys without being labeled a total slut

The show opens with Chris telling us he's starting to fall in love with Ali. Love is so blind, isn't it?

We get rehashes of all three men packing for Tahiti and singing Ali's praises. Ya know, even if they were literally singing, it'd come off less cheesy than the crap they're spouting right now. It's almost as if it's scripted. Nahhhh … Then, right away, Frank clues us in that he hasn't got over his ex-girlfriend, Nicole.

He tells the camera that the right thing to do is go to Chicago to visit the ex to see if his feelings are true. And, he came on this show why? Cut to commercial.

Frank is already in Chicago, and he's talking incessantly about his insecurities regarding both women. So, let me get this straight … the producers of this show, who have made such a fuss about guys coming on with girlfriends, are following Frank, with cameras, as he tries to decide which woman he wants? Is Frank all of a sudden The Bachelor? What gives, ABC?

Anyway, the cameras follow Frank's reconnection with Nicole, and he explains the whole deal to her, including his true feelings for Ali … Long awkward pause follows. When Nicole finally opens her mouth, she talks about it all being so heartbreaking. Then, she pulls a Renee Zellweger and tells him that he completes her. From "Bachelorette" to "Bachelor" to "Jerry Maguire" in five minutes, ladies and gentlemen!

Hold on a second here … Frank admits that Nicole is the girl for him and she's the one he wants to be with for the rest of his life! They kiss softly and passionately before he tells her that the next thing he's gotta do is tell Ali that he's in love with someone else.

Ali is already in Tahiti and the island looks absolutely stunning. It's overnights this week, and "it's an opportunity to take my relationships with the guys to the next level," Ali tells us. Translation? Here's my chance to have all the free sex I want with three different guys without being labeled a total slut. But it's okay, because "one of these guys is going to be my husband."

Roberto arrives, and he's more than ready to propose to her. Thankfully we had sushi for dinner tonight because if it were anything heavier it could possibly find its way onto this laptop. Baaaarf! What's first for these two lovebirds? Another helicopter ride — because we just haven't had enough of them this season. Roberto seems genuine, as does his relationship with Ali, so I guess it's fitting they land on a heart-shaped island.

Are you puking yet? No? It is awfully romantic, which makes watching this all the more painful knowing that none of these Bachelor/ette relationships ever last.

Night falls, and both are dressed up for a romantic dinner. More romance and free-flowing conversation ensues, but Roberto slows it down with an admission, after several minutes of hemming and hawing, that he is in fact falling in love with her. Awww. The mating card arrives with the room key inviting them to stay as a couple. "What do you think?" Ali asks. "I'm a baseball player, what do you think I'm gonna say, honey?" Roberto may have replied.

They enter the suite, and Roberto's pants are already wet. From the water. Get your mind out of the gutter, people. As she's undressing him, Ali refers to what they're about to embark on as "special alone time."

Next up is Chris, another very genuine person. Ali is totally glowing, so it's difficult to decipher whether it's because of seeing Chris or because of her special alone time with Roberto. They rehash the visit with Chris's family and discuss how much of a positive impact it had on their relationship. They kiss, but there doesn't appear to be the same romantic spark that she shares with Roberto. Ali tells the camera she's "excited for what's to come." What does that mean, mommy?

They jump in the water and they kiss some more. Okay, maybe their passion is starting to come together. Hey, Chris found some oysters. Dude – you're on an island all alone with her with a mating card just around the corner — you're not going to need any aphrodisiacs.

It's dinnertime, and this date is starting to look a whole lot like the one we just saw with Roberto. And, more deja vu when Chris tells her he could see himself with her forever. Another mating card is read, and dude is actually surprised to find out that there's a fantasy suite. I've said it before and I'll say it again: this guy is way too good for this show. "God, I love you," he says.

As genuine as Roberto is, I honestly believe that Chris is probably the most authentic person to come on this show. As they proceed to the bedroom, we may or may not see footage of rockets blasting and oil rigs drilling.

Frank has arrived, and he's ready to tell Ali that she's not the one for him. So what does he do first? He seeks the advice of the closest thing to a counselor on the island: Chris Harrison. Chris tells him that Ali's crazy about him, which probably doesn't do anything to help. "Think about how you're leaving Ali," Chris says. Screw you, dude, Frank should say. Ali is here making love to two other guys and Frank isn't allowed to have feelings for another girl? Damn, this show is so unrealistic.

It's time for the "date," and Ali unscriptedly (hey, I just made up a new word for reality television) tells the camera that she's head over heels for him. Frank starts in with his story and Ali knows that the news isn't good because she looks like she's about to cry. As soon as he admits his feelings for Nicole, the tears start flowing for Ali. Boo frickin' hoo, Ali. You're allowed to romp around with other guys but he's a dick for exploring his feelings for someone else?

Why are they both crying? She actually calls him selfish for doing this, and makes sure he knows that she's given up everything to be here. I have absolutely no pity for Ali right now …

After the conversation ends they hug goodbye. Ali walks off and tells the producers to cancel that sailboat. Chris Harrison joins Ali for a bitching session, where Ali calls Frank a coward. Frank is seen leaving the island with suitcase in tow, telling the camera that this whole thing was harder than he thought. You go, boyee; get the hell away from this show and Ali and everything else that goes along with it.

Ali is still all choked up because, oh poor me, how dare he do this to me? Shut up, Ali, you're falling in love with two other guys. She's still crying as we cut to a commercial.

With Frank out of the picture I guess there's no need for a rose ceremony and that the only question is whether Roberto or Chris really want to be there (duh). Chris and Ali sit down for what would normally be the pre-rose-ceremony chat and they go over all that went down. There is going to be a rose ceremony, and to create drama,

Ali is forced to tell the camera that she's unsure as to whether the dudes will accept the rose and that they know that they're not here by default. Chris and Roberto learn about Frankgate from Ali, who sums it up with "It is what it is." Really, Ali? Oh boy … This has got to be the stupidest rose ceremony ever. The guys accept and it's time to finally end this fiasco for once and for all in two weeks.

Next week? The reunion show, where we get treated for the return of Rated R.