‘Big Brother's’ Chima Simone Breaks Down ‘Real Housewives of Atlanta’

Money talks, true wealth whispers, but fat cat NeNe Leakes shouts, “I’m very rich, bitch!”

Money talks, true wealth whispers, but fat cat NeNe Leakes shouts, “I’m very rich, bitch!”

Dropping $13,500 on a car didn’t quite illustrate her deep pockets, so she got a little louder for those in the cheap repoed Aston Martin seats. Looking at you, Sheree (who gonna write that check, boo?) Whitfield.

And that’s how the "Real Housewives of Atlanta" returned to our screens; a little tiff over event appearance fees became a nouveau riche pissing contest, or as the rich call it, a waste material social status debate.

These ladies, having known each other for years, reached way back to undermine each other’s worth and Sheree went as far as NeNe’s back teeth, or lack thereof.

It got too personal for NeNe, and she is done with Sheree, but she did promise to stab her in the chest so we have that to look forward to.

Moneyed people turn crazy into eccentric, their drug habits designer, and in the case of Kandi Burrusss, they make their love for all things phallic and melodic into a singing sex toy and then give themselves a snazzy title like "intimate luxury specialist."

And Kandi isn’t the only woman with a new business venture.

Phaedra Parks, having just given life, is delving into the fun that is planning funerals to die for. The kind of funerals that will have the dead forgoing heaven to stick around and haunt their loved ones for letting top-hatted doves cry as an expression of grief. That girl sure knows how to throw a party outfitted with hats (see: last season’s baby shower).

Cynthia Bailey is booking modeling jobs left and right. Right? At a sit-down with Miss J of “Top Model” fame, she is sure to let him know the agency she has started is just a side thing, just to keep her busy outside of her still lucrative modeling career.

Right? Miss J does what he does best and verbally breaks the legs of the model hopefuls. Maybe he’ll stick around long enough to put them and Cynthia’s bank account back together again.

The Atlanta women are nursing budding businesses, but business a-cu-men isn’t Kim Zolciak’s strong suit.

That’s fine, as she now has a man who suits up for the Atlanta Falcons. A footballer paycheck has afforded her a wig room in her new palatial home.

Wigging!

And the pregnant prima donna is finally done with her “hot ass mess” relationship with Big Pappa. In love with a younger man, how much younger is as questionable as Kim’s purported age; I expect an auto-tuned love song out of this. 

It must include a “Watch What Happens Live” performance, replete with a cigarette in one hand, wine glass in the other, and the baby in a Bjorn.

Coming off a franchise season high, averaging of 3.6 million viewers last year, the Southern belles didn’t waste time amping up the drama. This premiere ended in tears, but promised fire in the weeks to come…

Until then,

“Deuces, baby!”