Hello, rosebuds, and welcome to the Rose Rehash, our weekly recap of "The Bachelorette" -- the mopiest thing to happen to Mondays since work. This week's special Sunday episode finds Ashley on the hot seat as the men tell all.
Hi, we're Carrie and Deirdre, your despondent recappers. We're thankful for a reprieve from rose ceremonies and Ashley's bemoaning and are looking forward to the men purging secrets and looking pretty.
We start with Ashley and Chris Harrison recapping the season in a pre-taped segment. Nothing unexpected, but we notice a strong focus on The Mask, Bentley, Ryan and William.
Next up is a sneak peak of Bachelor Pad 2, the franchise's dirtier, sluttier second cousin. As is to be expected, the show is all about itty bitty bathing suits, tears and smooches. We're promised a whole lot of the infamous exes Jake and Vienna from season 14 of "The Bachelor." And that wackadoodle Melissa from Brad Womack's most recent season.
Carrie: Finally, something to look forward to.
With that, the men are introduced.
Deirdre: I don't see Bentley!
Carrie: We might as well turn it off and take a nap.
Deirdre: Where's my binky?
The guys begin by talking about what it first felt like to step out of the limo. Many of them say nice things about Ashley. We cut to a montage of some of their most memorable moments. The focus is again on The Mask, Tim's boozing and Ryan's intense smile. We learn that the guy's nicknamed him Goober.
Deirdre: Isn't that what they used to call you in high school?
Carrie: Shhh. I'm trying to sleep!
After the montage, Chris brings up William and Ben's two-on-one date and how William told Ashley about Ben's potential interest in online dating. The guys seem to side with Ben and trash William.
Carrie: He's a rat.
Chris gives William a break and turns the guys' attention back to Ryan. Lucas thinks Ryan put on too much of a show. "You have a vertical I've never seen. You're like a camp counselor," he says. Nick, the personal trainer with the soul patch, defends Ryan. He doesn't think it's fair to dump on him because of his personality, no matter how enthusiastic it might be.
Deirdre: I bet he uses a lot of exclamation points in his emails.
Carrie: And emoticons.
Next, Chris gives The Mask a chance to explain himself. He says he thought the mask would be funny. Soul Patch says the other bachelors should have encouraged him to keep it on because it was so stupid. Tim says it freaked him out, but recognizes he was out of line for attacking The Mask for wearing it on the first night.
Finally, the hot seat. First up: William.
We start with a montage of William and Ashley's most memorable moments. William says he is embarrassed and can't watch it. He admits to making an ass of himself. He wants to tell Ashley that he thinks she is a great girl and he's happy she found love. Chris says he seems like he learned a life lesson. William concludes that he no longer wants to be a jackass.
Deirdre: Sometimes we want things that we can't have.
Next up on the hot seat: Ryan. In his montage, we're reminded that he got the first impression rose. We're also reminded why the guys called him a goober as we watch the water heater scene from last week. It's worse the second time around. Chris wonders if Ashley was tuning out. Blake pipes in and suggests that Ryan's affection for Ashley and his desperate need for love were interchangeable. Ryan says he read books about engagements and marriage and wrote down questions to ask Ashley. He also kept a journal.
Carrie: Is he out of his mind?
Next, on to Ames. As we've already discovered this season, he seems like a great guy. Chris brings up the boxing again and then gifts him pink boxing gloves.
Carrie: Did he get eliminated because he got his ass knocked out?
At last, Chris addresses Bentley. He says they tried to get Bentley to come, but he declined. Tim, Soul Patch, Blake, Lucas and Mickey all slam Bentley. Michelle Money, the former Season 15 contestant and the gal who sent Ashley text warnings about Bentley, gets on the hot seat. She says that she heard he was going to promote his business, he wasn't interested in Ashley and it was all a game to him. Michelle wonders if Ashley was drawn to him because he was a bad boy.
Carrie: I've always had a thing for Tommy Lee.
Deirdre: What does that have to do with --
Chris asks if anyone has final thoughts on Bentley. Chris D., the sports marketing guy utters his first words of the season and makes them a doozy: "Go f--- yourself."
Carrie: Well said.
Carrie: Wow, that dress is straight out of Charlotte Russe.
Deirdre: I was thinking J.C. Penney's junior's department.
Ashley says she has had highs and lows. Chris asks about the lowest point. She says, of course, Bentley. She laments over being played on national television and being called an ugly duckling. She promises not to get emotional, but of course she does. She tells the guys that she is so happy they participated in the show. Ryan says he understands why they didn't work after seeing the connection she has with the other two guys. He seems genuine.
Deirdre: Let's upgrade him from a goober to a peanut M&M.
Tim apologizes for his drunken mess. Ashley seems thrilled to speak to him sober.
Carrie: I liked him better when he was wasted face.
Former Bachelorettes and Bachelor, Ali Fedotowsky, Deanna Pappas and Jason Mesnick arrive to offer some perspective. Ali says she could relate to what Ashley was going through and assures her that it only takes that one guy to make the experience worthwhile. Deanna concurs with Ali - the end product is what's important. She says she found someone ultimately and it's a beautiful thing. Jason reminds Ashley to ignore the criticism and enjoy the roller coaster. They are all very happy that she sent Bentley packing.
To fill up a few more minutes of air time, we're shown a blooper reel. Highlights: anything with The Mask, Ames being compared to a robot and Chris Harrison's unzipped fly at a rose ceremony.
The drawn out episode comes to a close with yet two more montages, a final look at the two remaining bachelors, Ben F. and J.P.
Tonight: Ashley hands out her final rose and we thank the high heavens for the season's end.