‘Bachelorette’ Recap: ‘Mission Af—ingccomplished’

One bachelor makes a bad-ass exit

Hello, rosebuds, and welcome to the Rose Rehash, our weekly summation of one of the dippiest franchises on television, "The Bachelorette." This week's episode finds Ashley and her suitors transported to Hong Kong, a magical city hopefully capable of getting Ashley out of her season-long funk.

Hi, we're Carrie and Deirdre, your increasingly frustrated recappers. This week we unfortunately didn't start a drinking game in which we drink every time Ashley says "Bentley." Because that would have been awfully fun.

We start the episode with open, hopeful hearts as Ashley looks out at majestic Hong Kong and intones, “It’s a great, great place to be.”

Our hearts sink quickly thereafter, as Chris Harrison shows up at Ashley’s door to tell her that Bentley is in Hong Kong. 

"Shut up!" she wails.

Carrie: She’s about to cry over this guys she’s known for four hours.

Ashley tells Chris that she “needs some time” before she takes the trip to Bentley's room. She pulls herself together for a loooong time and knocks on his door. Bentley, pausing to check his hair, asks, "Who is it?" We shudder when she says, "It’s me."

Over-familiar much? We aren't even allowed to say "it's me" to our moms.

They talk about his departure and Ashley whines about how hard it’s been since he left. Bentley acts sympathetic, and we’re stunned she still doesn’t realize how bad he’s playing her.

Deirdre: He’s a monster.

Ashley tells him, basically, that she can’t get over him. He says that they live far apart and it doesn’t look good for them. She finally seems to wake up and smell the ubiquitous roses. She tells Bentley that if he planned to hurt her, “misson-a-f—ing-ccomplished. Then she begins telling a lie to herself that continues throughout the episode: They mutually decided things wouldn't work out.

With Bentley gone, it’s date time. Ryan really wants a one-on-one, but his dreams are dashed and Lucas gets the date. Now that Ashley “finally has closure with the whole Bentley situation” she’s ready to hit the streets of Hong Kong with Lucas to check out the local culture.

Carrie: Her shirt looks like a tablecloth. She should pick something up at the street market.

On the second half of their date, they take to the waves for a dinner cruise. Ashley says she hasn’t thought about Bentley the whole date and that’s a good thing, but we’re not convinced.

Deirdre: She needs to bring him up again?

Lucas talks about his divorce and how he realized his ex-wife wasn’t the girl he was meant to be with. Ashley plays coy with the rose, but eventually pins it on him and they share their first kiss. Lucas is "on cloud nine" about their date. We would be on cloud nine if Ashley were tossed overboard.

Time for the group date. Ryan, Mickey, Constantine, Ben F., Ames and Blake meet Ashley on the beach for a dragon boat race. The catch? They have to enlist eight locals per team to help them row.

Carrie: Oh great, another date where she forces them into athletic suffering.

Blake and Ryan gather a team quickly, while Ben F. and Constantine have some trouble rounding up volunteers. They think their charm "doesn’t translate," while we think the locals are uncomfortable with Ben F.’s headband. They give up on recruits and purchase matching red, silk kimonos because they think that will at least help them look like tourists, er, athletes.

Meanwhile, Mickey and Ames manage to find a local who trained in dragon boat racing. Sure enough, their team takes the win.

After the race, another couple gets engaged on the beach, reminding Ashley of the whole reason she’s on this show. Once again, she talks about getting closure with Bentley and we punch a wall.

At the group cocktail party, Ames whisks Ashley away and lets her know he’s ready to take it to the next level.  They kiss in the elevator.

Deirdre: I wouldn’t want those giant lips anywhere near me.

Ashley also shares a kiss with Ben F.  It seems he's had one too many Mai Tais when he gushes about how much he’s falling for her.

On to the group date rose. Ashley gives it to Ryan, who the fellas have been trashing all evening.  He seems thrilled in a serial killer kind of way.

New day, new date. JP gets the one-on-one. Ashley says she feels like she needs to be open and honest about the Bentley "break up" and tells JP that she saw Bentley in Hong Kong.

Carrie: It’s not a break-up when you knew someone for less than a week.

Deirdre: Bentley needs to get a restraining order.

JP tells her he’s glad she told him. Do we even need to tell you he’s rewarded with the rose? “We’re on the right track,” he says. They share lots of hugs and smooches. We are almost happy for Ashley.

Next, the group gathers for the rose ceremony cocktail party for some stiff drinks and truth bombs. Ashley decides things went so well with JP, she’s going to tell all the guys about Bentley. “It’s going to be great,” she chirps.

It is not great.

Deirdre: Why is she going into so much detail? This is painful to watch.

The camera zooms in on Mickey downing his cocktail. The guys instantly start calling her out. Lucas says what we’re all thinking, "It’s weird to me," and the rest of the guys concur.

In a one-on-one chat, Blake lays it out for her that it seems like she doesn’t care about them. Not surprisingly, she starts to cry.

Mickey says that if Bentley is the type of guy she wants, to send him home. Ashley says if he feels so strongly about leaving, then he should take the initiative. And he does. Totally badass exit. We’ll miss you, Irish Mickey from The Cleve.

Deirdre: This is the biggest train wreck season ever.

Chris Harrison swoops in and tries to pump up the guys for the rose ceremony. Roses go to Red Dragon Rower Ben F., Nick Constantine Cage, and Honest Ames.

We say buh-bye to Bashful Blake as he boards the Bachelorette reject boat and laments that, "he just wants a friend." We’ll be your friend Blake. Eh, maybe not.

Next week: The show takes break for the Fourth of July, and the next week we rejoin the tribe in the hidden jewel of Taiwan.