Guns N’ Idols

With only four contestants remaining, the mob has clearly gotten involved, trying unsuccessfully to whack one of our stars by way of an exploding “American Idol” set! (There is a lot of dirty money to be made in those “Idol” office pools, ya’ll!) Slash was the guest mentor for Rock Week. Wow. I haven’t heard […]

With only four contestants remaining, the mob has clearly gotten involved, trying unsuccessfully to whack one of our stars by way of an exploding “American Idol” set! (There is a lot of dirty money to be made in those “Idol” office pools, ya’ll!)

Slash was the guest mentor for Rock Week. Wow. I haven’t heard about Slash since … well, since “Gossip Girl” matriarch Lily van der Woodsen named him as a gentleman on her “list,”  thus setting us up for the “Valley Girls” spin-off about her life as a rock groupie in 1980s Los Angeles.

According to Seacrest, though, Slash is much more than a bedmate to fictional characters. He “burst onto the scene in 1985 as lead guitarist for Guns N’ Roses” and is now working on a solo album.  Slash says he was was raised on rock ‘n’ roll as a lifestyle (read: drugs) and way of life (anonymous sex). 

He said he never thought he’d be a mentor but that there are a couple of standout artists this season. By “couple of standout artists,” he clearly means  Adam Lambert.

Perhaps it was the drug — er, I mean “rock ‘n’ roll” theme — that inspired Paula to come out of the closet about her own demons this week. She recently admitted to Ladies Home Journal that she was addicted to painkillers for 12 years. What an exclusive, LHJ! I think I broke that “news” on my Friendster blog around Season 4.

Adam Lambert: Thank you, Slash, for suggesting that Adam abandon his “upper register improvising” — clearly code for “screech singing” — in favor of his lower octaves. Glambert wailed throughout Led Zeppelin’s “Whole Lotta Love,” causing Kara to declare him a “Rock God” before acting out the fake orgasm scene from “When Harry Met Sally.”  (It was awkward, ya’ll!) To all the Glambert advocates, I’m not saying he’s not talented; clearly he is an artist when it comes to Kohl liner. I’m just not sure that in this “Flo Rida/Pussycat Dolls” day and age, someone like him could sell out stadiums. Would he pack them in on Broadway? Well, he’s certainly more suited for it than, say, Season 3 runner-up Diana Degarmo. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think he’s right for “Carousel” or “Oklahoma!” but I could definitely see him in “Rocky Horror.” My guess is that if he doesn’t win (that’s a big “if”), he’ll reprise his role of Fiyero in “Wicked,” but this time he’ll be doing it on the Great White Way.

Allison Iraheta: As the only girl left in the competition, Allison really had to bring it. Thankfully she chose Janis Joplin’s “Cry Baby” over something like Pat Benatar’s “Love Is a Battlefield.”  The judges had mixed reviews, with Simon even telling her that she should “just beg.” In her first display of “personality” this season, she snapped back at him. And you know what? I think Simon liked it. I’ve thought long and hard this week about who will be the recipient of my votes now that Matt Giraud is gone. (Well, I mean, as long and hard as can be expected while still fitting in “Celebrity Apprentice,”  estergoldberg.com and US Weekly!) My conclusion was Allison. She has the biggest chance of actually being a successful pop star. Her voice is a mixture of Kelly Clarkson and Pink. And her personality — well, it will develop one day.  Even if it doesn’t, her “team” will sell us something. She is the one contestant left whose album I would buy without hesitation.

Danny Gokey and Kris Allen dueted on “Renegade” by Styx. It started off “a little pitchy, dawg,” a little sharp. But it was fun to see them singing together rather than against each other.  By the way, if it had been a competition, I think Kris would’ve won … just on sheer mic stand technique alone.

Kris Allen: Working with Slash made Kris “almost want to pee his pants.” No doubt his rendition of “Come Together” had the tweens across the country peeing their collective pants. Sure he could’ve chosen something a little more “rock” than the Beatles, but honestly, could you really see Allen doing Poison or Skid Row? It should also be said that now that Giraud is gone, Kris is the only contestant who is a true instrumentalist as well as a singer. (I dare someone to mention Allison’s “guitar playing” on “Don’t Speak!”) The thing is, I have a couple of Jack Johnson and Jason Mraz albums, and I’m sure that, given the right single or two, I’d purchase some Kris, too (especially if the liner notes were filled with sexy pictures of him). I’m just not sure that his casual song stylin’ is going to be enough to win this competition.

Danny Gokey: Hokey Gokey tried his best to live down his image as a church music director by roughing it up with Aerosmith’s “Dream On.” The beginning was pretty good … And then came the end notes. Whoa. It was shockingly bad. Simon said as much, comparing it to a horror movie. (Speaking of shockingly bad, perhaps Danny could be a contestant on the next season of VH1’s “Scream Queens.”) Despite the judges all saying that it wasn’t their favorite performance, they all gave him an “A” for effort — and even Simon thought that he’d be safe.  That’s a pretty “safe” prediction seeing as he’s the only contestant who has never been in the Bottom 3. But I warn you, America: Vote for Danny Gokey and you’re gonna get a Taylor Hicks/Michael McDonaly hybrid who will record a Christian rock album. And do we really need more Christian rock? I mean, we’ve already got the Jonas Brothers.

Allison and Adam, the true rockers, did Foghat’s “Slow Ride.” What a treat it was to see them perform together! They seem to have a great rapport, even using the same hairdresser. I can totally see them getting ready for the show together — giggling about boys and doing each other’s makeup! The judges were right; they truly should record a duet.

All things considered, I’m guessing that Kris will go home tonight. The only thing that may save him is the Matt Giraud overflow. No matter what the judges say, Allison really proved herself. And although Danny’s last notes were cringe-worthy, he has enough fans to keep him around.

 

Despite last week’s Glambert scare, is it really worth discussing his exit as a possibilty? Didn’t think so.

 

The judges seemed to have sealed his fate months ago.