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Hef and His New ‘Girls’

But who are these girls and this man, Hugh Hefner, when the cameras are off?

“The Girls Next Door” has always been the television equivalent of candy — fluffy and sweet and full of empty calories. But last night’s premiere with the “new” girls left me feeling like I should cut down on my sugar intake.

 I mean, what is a reality show anyway? Inherently, it should be an unscripted, uncontrived documentation of a person’s life — you know, like “The Hills.”
 
But there seems to be nothing spontaneous or original about this season of “The Girls Next Door.” For one thing, it’s the same plot with different hussies. There’s the “number one” girlfriend, Crystal, whose dad died when she was 12. (That explains a lot.) She claims that she is not the “new Holly” but that Holly, in fact, is the “old Crystal.” 
 
Semantics. They still seem like the same person to me.
 
Taking over Kendra’s role as the “mischievous” one(s) are twins Kristina and Karessa, 19-year-olds with a criminal record from (where else?) Florida. Hef has trouble telling them apart — how cute. Is it because they’re twins or because he’s an octogenarian? 
 
Don’t get me wrong. I enjoyed the show when Holly, Bridget and Kendra were featured. Those of us who were brunettes and redheads finally got the chance to see what the inside of the Mansion looked like.
 
But we never got to see the real drama.
 
What makes celebrity reality shows so compelling is their ability to show the personality behind the persona, whether that’s what they intended or not. Take the shining examples of “Being Bobby Brown,” “Hey! Paula,” and even “The Surreal Life” or “Celebrity Apprentice.” You get a sense of who these people really are, ugly or not.
 
This is something that we’ve never had with “GND.” Heck, even “DWTS” fits in more pathos (between all its Disney plugs)! Sure, it’s great that you’re redoing the pool house, Holly. And I’m really glad you’re learning the trapeze, Bridget.
 
But who are these girls and this man, Hugh Hefner, when the cameras are off?
 
I want to see the jealousy that comes with sharing a (boy?)friend! I want to see the disgust that comes with dating a senior citizen! And the show has never tackled the one question that’s on everyone’s mind: What happens in the bedroom? (BTW, for an in-depth probe into that topic I recommend the memoir “Bunny Tales” by former girlfriend Izabella St. James.)
 
Stop trying to make us believe that they’re all in some sort of normal relationship! I suppose they are committed to each other in some sense, as there are, no doubt, contracts involved that set the girls up with the television show, a couple of Playboy covers and a hefty allowance until their stint is over.
 
But don’t try to fool us into believing that these opportunistic, ahem, ladies are not seeing other men on the side. Did anyone else think it was weird when Kendra broke up with Hef to get engaged to another man?
 
I’m not a prude. I love my sextastic reality fare, like “Real Sex,” “Cathouse” and “Pornucopia.” But these shows don’t sell us sex under the guise of being in a committed relationship, the way that “GND” does. Another thing they don’t do is pose as family entertainment. 
 
Maybe it’s my Catholic upbringing, but I just don’t see how this show is appropriate for kids. Apparently, the cheese stands alone on this one, though, as a scene from last night’s premiere had mothers bringing their daughters and sons (armed with their own Playboy issues) to Karissa and Kristina’s autograph signing session. not normal, at least not where I come from.
 
No, I am not bitter or jealous. I’m sure that I, too, could have an 82-year-old suitor if I really set my mind to it. I think it just makes me feel sorry for Hef. These girls seem to simply be stepping in as variables in what has come to be a winning equation for the girls before them.
 
While they are jumping on trampolines topless and running around in tube socks professing their love for this man, they are making bank. Think about it. He could be your grandpa.
 
Doesn’t is sadden you to think that he could spend his last days with these twits?