IT’S GOOD TO BE HOME. I’M JAY LENO YOUR HOST… AT LEAST FOR A WHILE.
I’VE GOT TO ADMIT THAT I’M A LITTLE NERVOUS. NOT BECAUSE IT’S MY FIRST NIGHT BACK. BECAUSE I KNOW THAT DAVE AND OPRAH ARE WATCHING.
ACTUALLY, WE WERE OFF FOR THE LAST COUPLE OF WEEKS. KIND OF LIKE THE RUSSIANS AT THE OLYMPICS. WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM?
HOW ABOUT OUR OLYMPIC ATHLETES? PRETTY AMAZING, THIRTY-SEVEN MEDALS! IN FACT, WE HAVE ONE OF THE GOLD MEDAL WINNERS; OLYMPIC SKIER LINDSEY VONN IS ON THE SHOW TONIGHT. SHE WAS AMAZING. DID YOU SEE HER? WHEN IT COMES TO GONG DOWN HILL NOBODY IS FASTER. OK, EXCEPT NBC.
CONGRATULATIONS TO CANADA FOR WINNING THE GOLD IN HOCKEY YESTERDAY. THAT WAS A GREAT GAME. I THOUGHT AMERICA PLAYED GREAT. THE CANADIANS ACCUSE US AMERICANS OF NOT UNDERSTANDING HOCKEY. IT’S NOT TRUE. IF OUR GUYS HAD USED THEIR LONG POKEY THING AND THAT RUBBER DISK TO GET IT INTO THAT LITTLE BASKET THINGY BEFORE THEY DID? WE WOULD HAVE WON.
ACTUALLY, I WAS IN VANCOUVER LAST WEEK. I SAW OLYMPIC SKIER JERET SPEEDY PETERSON. HE WON THE SILVER MEDAL. I WAS THERE. I WAS THERE WHEN HE WON. HE CAME OVER TO ME. TAKE A LOOK. (DROP-IN: SKIER CELEBRATION/ AT THE END OF THE HILL HE PUNCHES JAY) I THINK HE’S A LETTERMAN GUY.
IT’S NOT TIME FOR A NEW BIT WE CALL, “HOW BORING IS ALAN GREENSPAN.” LETS TAKE A LOOK. (DROP-IN: ALAN TALKING AND THEN HE FALLS ASLEEP)
THIS IS SOMETHING YOU MAY HAVE HEARD ON “60 MINUTES.” BLACKWATER WORLDWIDE, THE STATE DEPARTMENT'S LARGEST SECURITY CONTRACTOR…THOSE GUYS WE HIRED AS GUARDS. WELL, NOW THEY HAVE BEEN ACCUSED OF HIRING PROSTITUTES WITH TAX DOLLARS AND PUTTING THEM ON THE COMPANY PAYROLL. IN FACT, THEY SAY THIS IS THE FIRST TIME TAX MONEY HAS EVER BEEN USED TO PAY A WHORES SINCE THAT WALL STREET BAILOUT.
ACTUALLY, WE WERE OFF FOR THE LAST COUPLE OF WEEKS. KIND OF LIKE THE RUSSIANS AT THE OLYMPICS. WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM?
HOW ABOUT OUR OLYMPIC ATHLETES? PRETTY AMAZING, THIRTY-SEVEN MEDALS! IN FACT, WE HAVE ONE OF THE GOLD MEDAL WINNERS; OLYMPIC SKIER LINDSEY VONN IS ON THE SHOW TONIGHT. SHE WAS AMAZING. DID YOU SEE HER? WHEN IT COMES TO GONG DOWN HILL NOBODY IS FASTER. OK, EXCEPT NBC.
CONGRATULATIONS TO CANADA FOR WINNING THE GOLD IN HOCKEY YESTERDAY. THAT WAS A GREAT GAME. I THOUGHT AMERICA PLAYED GREAT. THE CANADIANS ACCUSE US AMERICANS OF NOT UNDERSTANDING HOCKEY. IT’S NOT TRUE. IF OUR GUYS HAD USED THEIR LONG POKEY THING AND THAT RUBBER DISK TO GET IT INTO THAT LITTLE BASKET THINGY BEFORE THEY DID? WE WOULD HAVE WON.
ACTUALLY, I WAS IN VANCOUVER LAST WEEK. I SAW OLYMPIC SKIER JERET SPEEDY PETERSON. HE WON THE SILVER MEDAL. I WAS THERE. I WAS THERE WHEN HE WON. HE CAME OVER TO ME. TAKE A LOOK. (DROP-IN: SKIER CELEBRATION/ AT THE END OF THE HILL HE PUNCHES JAY) I THINK HE’S A LETTERMAN GUY.
IT’S NOT TIME FOR A NEW BIT WE CALL, “HOW BORING IS ALAN GREENSPAN.” LETS TAKE A LOOK. (DROP-IN: ALAN TALKING AND THEN HE FALLS ASLEEP)
THIS IS SOMETHING YOU MAY HAVE HEARD ON “60 MINUTES.” BLACKWATER WORLDWIDE, THE STATE DEPARTMENT'S LARGEST SECURITY CONTRACTOR…THOSE GUYS WE HIRED AS GUARDS. WELL, NOW THEY HAVE BEEN ACCUSED OF HIRING PROSTITUTES WITH TAX DOLLARS AND PUTTING THEM ON THE COMPANY PAYROLL. IN FACT, THEY SAY THIS IS THE FIRST TIME TAX MONEY HAS EVER BEEN USED TO PAY A WHORES SINCE THAT WALL STREET BAILOUT.
SPEAKING OF GETTING SCREWED. THE AIRLINES ARE GOING TO BEGIN CHARGING A FEE FOR FLYING STANDBY. THEY ARE GOING TO CHARGE YOU A FEE TO STANDBY. IN FACT, THEY DON’T EVEN CALL IT STANDBY ANYMORE. IT’S NOW CALLED “STAND AND BEND OVER.”
THE CALIFORNIA LEGISLATURE HAS PASSED A BAN ON SWEARING. THIS WEEK THERE IS NO SWEARING IN CALIFORNIA. IT'S ABOUT TIME THOSE DUMB BASTARDS DID SOMETHING RIGHT. EXACTLY!
THE CALIFORNIA LEGISLATURE HAS PASSED A BAN ON SWEARING. THIS WEEK THERE IS NO SWEARING IN CALIFORNIA. IT'S ABOUT TIME THOSE DUMB BASTARDS DID SOMETHING RIGHT. EXACTLY!
HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THIS? THERE IS A NEW BREAKFAST CEREAL OUT CALLED CHOCOLATE CHEERIOS. WHAT, IS CHEERIOS GIVEN UP NOW? CHOCOLATE CHEERIOS, WHAT’S THAT? ARE THEY EVEN CHEERIOS ANYMORE? AREN’T THEY JUST DOUGHNUTS IN MILK NOW?
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SHOULD CALL THEM NOW? CHENEY-O'S.
AS YOU MAY HAVE HEARD, FORMER VICE-PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY IS DOING FINE AFTER SUFFERING HIS FIFTH HEART ATTACK. FIVE! HE’S LIKE THE APOLO OHNO OF HEART ATTACKS. WHO HAS FINE? OR AS PRESIDENT BUSH GOES…(HOLDS UP FIVE FINGERS)
THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT THE FORMER VICE PRESIDENT IS DOING FINE.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SHOULD CALL THEM NOW? CHENEY-O'S.
AS YOU MAY HAVE HEARD, FORMER VICE-PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY IS DOING FINE AFTER SUFFERING HIS FIFTH HEART ATTACK. FIVE! HE’S LIKE THE APOLO OHNO OF HEART ATTACKS. WHO HAS FINE? OR AS PRESIDENT BUSH GOES…(HOLDS UP FIVE FINGERS)
THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT THE FORMER VICE PRESIDENT IS DOING FINE.
