Tonight's late show monologues are coming in, and once again, the hosts are joking about Late Night Crisis 2010.
We'll update this post with the latest quips as they come in.
The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien
Hi, I’m Conan O’Brien, and I’ve been practicing the phrase, “Who ordered the mochaccino grande?”
Hosting “The Tonight Show” has been the fulfillment of a lifelong dream for me – and I just want to say to the kids out there watching: You can do anything you want in life. Unless Jay Leno wants to do it too.
According to a new TV Guide poll, 83 percent of voters want me to stay at 11:35. When he heard this poll number, President Obama asked, “How can I get NBC to screw me over?”
I’m getting a lot of support out there, especially from an online group calling themselves “Team Conan.” It’s very exciting—it’s the first time in my life I’ve been on a team where I wasn’t picked last.
Last night, the new season of “American Idol” started on the FOX Network and it was watched by an audience of 30 million people. When they heard that, NBC executives said “That’s not true, there’s no such thing as an audience of 30 million people.”
The Jay Leno Show
GOOD NEWS FROM AFGHANISTAN -- CRITICS OF THE WAR HAVE STOPPED REFERRING TO IT AS "ANOTHER VIETNAM." THEY ARE NOT CALLING IT THAT ANYMORE. THE BAD NEWS -- THEY'RE NOW CALLING IT "ANOTHER NBC."
WELCOME TO NBC. AMERICA'S MOST DYSFUNCTIONAL TV FAMILY. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
YOU THOUGHT THE GOSSELINS WERE SCREWED UP. OH MY GOD.
NOBODY KNOWS WHAT IS GOING ON. CONAN O’BRIEN, UNDERSTANDABLE, IS VERY UPSET. HE HAD A STATEMENT IN THE PAPER YESTERDAY. CONAN SAID NBC HAS ONLY GAVE HIM SEVEN MONTHS TO MAKE HIS SHOW WORK. WHEN I HEARD THAT…SEVEN MONTHS! HOW DID HE GET THAT DEAL? WE ONLY GOT FOUR! WHO’S HIS AGENT? GET ME THAT GUY. I’LL TAKE SEVEN.
ALL THE LATE NIGHT HOST ARE HAVING GREAT FUN WITH THIS DEBACLE. LAST NIGHT JIMMY KIMMEL DID HIS SHOW DRESSED UP AS ME. SHOW THAT CLIP. (DROP-IN: JIMMY KIMMEL CLIP) I WAS GOING TO COME OUT DRESSED AS JIMMY KIMMEL…PUT JIMMY’S PICTURE UP THERE. BUT I REALIZED I DO NOT HAVE ENOUGH BLACK SHOE POLISH HERE AT NBC TO GET MY HAIR THAT DARK.
Late Show with David Letterman
“Okay, all right settle down, CBS hasn’t fired me yet.”
“Cold outside, isn’t it lousy cold outside today? Whoo! You know, they say, from the weather bureau, they say it’s caused by an arctic chill between Jay and Conan.”
“Did you hear about this? Yesterday, Conan O’Brien – it’s so, so confusing, ladies and gentlemen. And Jay Leno used to be on at 11:30, then they moved him to 10, then Conan O’Brien was on at 11:30, now they want him to go on at 12:05 and then they want to put Jay from 10 to 11:30, and Carson Daly now’s got to get a show in Mexico or something.
