ALSO READ: "12 Worst Moments in 'Idol's' Worst Season."
“Tonight is about Crystal and Lee.”
How did Ryan Seacrest actually manage to say that with a straight face? The theme of Season 9 (other than “jumping the shark”) has been “moments.” Well, last night’s “moments” didn’t feature our two finalists at all. With multiple montages of Simon fondling his nipples and crushing the dreams of auditioners (not to mention an awkward stand-up routine from prodigal daughter Paula Abdul), it seemed that last night was really about giving Simon Cowell a big send-off.
That’s not to say that it wasn’t well-deserved. I remember seeing him in the promos for Season 1 and wondering, “Who is that guy?” While the appeal of “Idol” was largely the idea that the public had the power to hand stardom to our favorite “just-like-us” performers, the real draw was the acerbic Brit who told it like it was.
There are only so many ways to say something sucks (believe me, I know after watching this season), but Simon is a virtual wellspring of inventive insults. The thing is, though, his opinions actually had merit. In his own words, he was “the one on the show, without sounding conceited, who actually knows what they’re talking about.”
Love him or hate him, he was the star of “Idol” and an era of television has ended. It kind of reminds me of when we got a new Darrin on “Bewitched.” (Shout out to Dick York!)
The most heartfelt of last night’s “moments,” even eclipsing the announcement of this year’s winner, was when all the past Idols (sans David Cook, who reportedly had a scheduling conflict), got together to sing “Together We Are One” to Simon as Paula sat in his lap. With lyrics like “See what we’ve all become; together we are one,” it was hard to keep a dry eye. And then they hit me in the gut by filing out various “Idol” losers like Justin Guarini and my boyfriend Anoop all dressed in white. Sheesh, between this and Tuesday night’s episode of “Glee,” I just might have a nervous breakdown this week!
As for the guest performances, they were a little “cruise ship entertainment” .. from 1982. I mean, seriously, “Idol,” when “Pants on the Ground” is one of your most relevant numbers, there is a problem. Siobhan and Aaron Kelly dueting with the Bee Gees to “How Deep Is Your Love” (1977)? Big Mike and Michael McDonald throwing it down on “Takin’ It to the Streets” (1976)? Or how about Lee DeWyze and a Cetera-less Chicago singing an underwhelming medley?
Sure, it totally makes sense because these acts are all so “now.” (Rolls eyes.)
Let’s not forget Alice Cooper joining the Top 12 for a rousing rendition of “School’s Out” (1972). And don’t even get me started on the Top 6 boys jamming with Hall & Oates. (What the frack?)
There were a few exceptions, of course.
