Jon Stewart thinks the end is nigh unless Washington lawmakers reach a budget deal to avoid the sequester this week.

The across-the-board federal spending cuts are expected to hit everything from the military budget to public school expenditures. They have also prompted wryly apocalyptic coverage from "The Daily Show" team, which has launched an ongoing segment, “Sequester 2013: Prelude to the Return of the Barter System.”

"We're doomed!" Stewart said on Monday's show. "Students without financial aid are going to have to get jobs feeding sick children to old people!"

The comic newsman donned a hazmat suit straight out of "Contagion" to illustrate the impending financial catastrophe, while correspondent Samantha Bee said that President Obama and the First Lady were busy crossing off their bucket list in anticipation of the End Time.

She noted that President Obama recently hosted the women from "Modern Family" at the White House and went golfing with Tiger Woods, while Michelle Obama appeared on the Oscars last weekend and has debuted a new haircut.

"Nobody over the age of 16 gets bangs unless they know the end is near," Bee joked.