I’ve come to a few realizations this week. Number one, competitive dating shows just aren’t as addictive when the contestants are men vying for the affections of one woman. Cases in point: “The Bachelorette” and “Daisy of Love.” Bottom line, guys just aren’t as crazy, backstabbing and stalkerish as women are. Read: crazy = entertaining.
Come on, isn’t it time for Bret Michaels to break up with that Penthouse model already and try to find a new “Rock of Love”? I look to these, uh, “ladies” to bolster my self esteem.
Realization number two: Heidi and Spencer Pratt are this week’s Jon and Kate.
"THE HILLS"
Ding dong, the bore is gone! The Season 5 finale of the “unscripted” drama was set against the backdrop of Speidi’s wedding. And, awwww, they do care! As a treat to viewers, they made sure that this one was actually recognized by the state!
Highlights of the episode included: Heidi being escorted down the aisle by Yosemite Sam (or maybe her dad?); Justin Bobby strolling into a place of worship looking like he’d been on a three-day bender and maid of honor, Holly, having some kind of rehearsal dinner crying fit. Jealous much, sis?
Oh, yeah, and did I mention that it was “leading lady” Lauren Conrad’s last episode? Must’ve slipped my mind. I have to say that I’ve never been a fan. I mean, why watch good girls get drunk and whine about stupid boys when I can do that on my own?
Now, watching bad girls get drunk and get into catfights over stupid boys? That’s more my style.
Enter Kristin Cavallari.
While Heidi and Spencer would have you believe that the episode was all about their nuptials, we know better. It was clearly all about Kristin’s coronation as MTV’s new golden girl. Cavallari made a “surprise” last-minute entrance to the fete before making LC squirm in her pew and catching the bouquet (metaphor, anyone?). With that, Lauren moped over to her Town Car with her tail between her legs and rode into oblivion.
Unless you’ve been under a rock, you’re aware that Ms. Cavallari is replacing LC as the series‘ obligatory blonde girl from Laguna Beach. So much to look forward to … Can I suggest getting a new theme song? That “Unwritten” is so tired (especially when you consider that that show is so … well, written). “The Bitch Is Back” could work.
Miss Heidi and Spencer already? Wait, you don’t have time to! They're the main attraction on …
"I’M A CELEBRITY … GET ME OUT OF HERE!"
(Don’t tell Janice Dickinson!) The newest incarnation of this show (a similar version aired on ABC in 2003) is a kind of “Fear Factor” meets “Survivor” meets “Surreal Life” hybrid and is a real envelope pusher. OK, not so much with its actual content but with its loose definition of the word “celebrity.”
“Mega-watt” stars include: reality “performers” the Pratts; Dickinson (who is probably now more famous for being a reality star than a model), one of the Baldwin brothers (specifically, “Stephen;” more specifically, the one who appeared on not one but two “Celebrity Moles”); Sanjaya (Is there even a need for a last name?) Malakar; comedy duo Frangela from, among other things, VH1’s “Best Week Ever;” former wrestler Torrie Wilson; real live actor, Lou Diamond Phillips; NBA veteran John Salley; and, uh … Patti Blagojevich. Huh? That’s right. She’s wife to disgraced former Illinois governor, Rod.
You’ve got to hand it to Heidi and Spencer; they know how to generate buzz. Used to manipulating the media and playing a caricature of himself, Spencer came out swinging in a bid to outvillain professional villainess Dickinson, who seemed to be holding back her usual bitchiness. Her stategy perhaps?
Even in the rare moments when they weren't getting screentime, they had the rest of the cast gossiping about their antics. Laughably, on their first attempt at escaping back to “The Hills,” Spencer got Ben Silverman on the phone and issued the following complaint: “This cast is devaluing our fame.”
After their second attempt at leaving, Heidi sobbed as she recounted how mean everyone was …. for peeling the label off of her dry shampoo. Spencer was not having this and flew off the handle. The new Mrs. Pratt then excused her husband’s outbursts by saying that he’s a “very new Christian.”
The benevolent couple used their Christianity to pray with Patti, who’s obviously had a rough year. Spencer could relate, though. He mentioned that he views the Blagojeviches as the “Heidi and Spencer” of politics. See, ya’ll? He’s just misunderstood.
I have a prayer of my own: Dear God, please don’t let Heidi and Spencer get voted off.
The first reward challenge involved eating such delicacies as rat tails, cow intestine milkshakes and tarantulas, with everyone faring surprisingly well. In an endurance test against Dickinson, Lou Diamond Phillips won the title of leader for the week, and Sanjaya offered to give him daily footrubs. (What? That’s not normal?)
We left off in the middle of an immunity challenge, where the celebs lay down in a “trauma tank” as various creepy crawlies were released to mingle with them. Oh, not all the celebs, mind you. Heidi and Spencer opted out in favor of spraying the dry shampoo on themselves incessantly.
Don’t worry if you missed this first episode. You can catch a new one tonight. Oh, and tomorrow. And Thursday, too. (No, I’m serious.)
"JON & KATE PLUS EIGHT"
In the Gosselin family, babysitting duties fall to whoever happens to be home at the time. Last night, Kate took a break from her book tour to spend time with her kids on her birthday. Meanwhile, Jon escaped to Utah to volunteer at an organization that helps handicapped kids ski. I guess going away was his birthday gift to her.
Eight-year-old twins Mady and Cara set up a surprise trip to Charm City Cakes (featured on “Ace of Cakes”) for Kate and the rest of her offspring. While she seemed somewhat excited, her complaints ran the gamut. She hates surprises. Cake decorating is messy. She is appalled to realize that she sounds “like a fan” when meeting her reality show peers.
In the next episode, it was Jon who got to stay with the kids while Kate took Mady to San Diego. You will never read anything blatantly mean about the kids here; let’s face it, they’re gonna have enough to deal with. What I will say, though, is that I’ve never seen Mady smile as much as she did in that episode. Looks like all she ever wanted was a little attention, something that’s hard to come by when you have seven other adorable siblings (and a mom whose haircut is the most “sought-after” ‘do in the country).
Jon mentioned that sometimes we’ll see them interviewed together on the chair and sometimes they’ll choose to talk separately. They must’ve been having a good week because they were together on the chair throughout the episode. Mady was there, too, smiling. (Sorry to be repetitive, but if you’ve watched the show then you know how notable that fact is.)
They seemed to be making more of an effort at civility this week. Now that TLC has ordered 40 episodes this season, they might as well. This could very well be the last season of the show — not only is the future of the marriage hazy, but the labor department for the state of Pennsylvania is investigating the show’s adherence to child labor laws.
Interesting. Kate’s brother, Kevin, and his wife Jodi have been making the media rounds discussing that very issue. One can hardly argue with them when they say that the children are being exploited and that it’s time to turn the cameras off, but just like the proverbial car accident, we can’t look away. One of my friends said it best: “I just wanted to vomit when I saw her on the cover of People. OK, I bought it anyway but still …!”
MARK YOUR CALENDARS!
Tues., June 2 “Paris Hilton’s My New BFF” People degrading themselves on national television to whore off the fame of someone else! Loves it!
Mon., June 8 “Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List” Everyone’s favorite redhead returns (not yours truly, the other one!) and hilarity ensues.
Tues., June 23 “NYC Prep” Have “Gossip Girl” withdrawal? Sure, who doesn’t? This may be just the thing to get you through the summer, as long as the filthy rich kids don’t incite the gag reflex, a la “My Super Sweet 16.”
