As the show begins, we learn that "ast" is the word for love in Icelandic. *insert ass joke here* The boys are in the airport talking about love, Iceland, blah blah blah … and already I’m falling asleep. Ali talks about the volcano erupting and how it was an exciting time to be there. Tell that to the airlines, Ali.
Chris is there, too, and he advises the boys of a group date, a one-on-one, and a two-on-one where only one of the two will be continuing this journey. For the one-on-one, the best love poem will get the special date. Bonus points will be given to he who can use an Icelandic word or two in the poem. Hmm, the boys are thinking, how can I use the word "Ast" in a poem without making reference to anything ass-related?
It's poem-writin' time, and the boys have one hour. Several of the dudes walk around town trying to get the locals to help them out with Icelandic words. We learn that this isn't the first time Frank has waxed poetic, so to speak. Yay — commercial time already!
To recap the guys poetry would be an assault to your eyes and brain, so I'll just skim over the good stuff. Or … not. There was no good stuff. I'll say it once again, however sad it is: I miss Wes. At least his cheesiness had sharpness to it. The boys have brought cheese to whole new level (with all apologies to the state of Wisconsin). Ali picks Kirk, and he's pumped to have won. And, yay, another commercial.
One-on-one
Kirk is already emotionally invested, and looks forward to bringing out his inner child for this date. They walk around town in matching outfits, and golly gee, they just look so cute together. Time to hit up a restaurant, where Kirk is definitely holding back. Ali isn't impressed with the stilted conversation, and I'm not feeling the love for this couple.
At the Hilton, the boys get the group date card: Roberto, Chris L., Chris N., Craig, and Frank are up. Which leaves Justin and Kasey for the two-on-one. This was not random, folks.
It's dinnertime for Kirk and Ali, and Kirk reveals that five years ago he was very sick, to the point of having to see about 40 different physicians. Turns out he was poisoned by asbestos in an uninhabitable college dorm. The guy seems like a good dude, but I am seriously having trouble remaining conscious throughout this episode.
After a pretty dramatic showing last week, this one is putting me to sleep. Even my wife, who is normally pretty drawn to this show, is snoring up a storm beside me. Anyway, Kirk's story actually inspired Ali, so he gets a kiss and a rose, but Seal is nowhere to be found. Back at the Hilton, Frank is consoling Kasey about his trepidation for the two-on-one.
Group date:
The guys arrive and Ali is waiting with a group of beautiful horses. News Flash: my wife has woken up but has given up on the episode. While the seven on the screen are enjoying their horse ride across the frozen tundra, seems like I am ridin' solo for the rest of the episode. My $20 bribe to get her to switch places with me and have her write the rest of the recap fails, and I hit Play to resume the general ennui that is so pervasive in this episode.
They find a cave and stand there looking at it as if they've never seen a hole in the ground before. Meanwhile, as Kasey is sulking at the hotel, Justin is having his cast removed. At the cave, Chris L. is first down the hole and Ali follows. After my attempts to bribe my cat with a kilo of catnip so it can take over for me fail, I hit Play again and the group is still exploring, and drinking a warm drink.
So far? Worst. Episode. Of. “Bachelorette.” Ever. I am saved by another commercial break.
The group date is still on and they're approaching a beautiful blue lagoon. Really; like a true blue lagoon. Brooke Shields is nowhere to be found, but Ali's teeny-weeny bikini sure is – which prompts the guys to immediately disrobe. Ali and Chris L. find a secluded area and they kiss. Hey, is that the neighbor at my door? Hold on while I see if he's doing anything for the next hour. Unfortunately he's 70-years-old and doesn't believe in computers. So I guess I'm stuck with this gig tonight.
Back at the hotel, the two-on-one card arrives with Justin and Kasey's name on it. Justin is as confident as the Undertaker going into a match at Wrestlemania… The never-ending group date continues, and Ali talks to Frank about nothing of particular importance. It's rose time though, and Ty is the (un)lucky recipient.
Justin vs. Kasey in a cage match, with Ali as the special guest referee
After 67 minutes of extreme boredom, hopefully this is where the drama kicks in. Ali, who is annoying me more and more with each passing minute, is waiting for the combatants by a helicopter and they are whisked away to the scene of the volcano. They land on top of the volcano, and I must admit that the view and scenery is stunning. Kudos to the show's camera crew.
The threesome head into a beautiful ice cave, and Justin is first to sit on the ice couch and converse with her. Kasey sits alone outside the cave biding his time, telling himself whatever it is he needs to in order to convince his delusions that they’re a reality. His time has come, and Ali joins him out in the snow. Without any hesitation, he decides to reveal the ink. At first she looks unimpressed, but as Kasey explains his decision she seems to appreciate it. But I'm doubting it's worked, and I'm pretty sure that Kasey has finally struck out. "This sucks, guys," Ali starts with. "Yada yada yada, and Kasey — you're outta here."
OK maybe she didn't really say that. but you get my drift. "Something just wasn't there," is what she did say. Poor Kasey is left standing alone in the snow as the helicopter leaves with Ali and Justin looking down upon him. If this were a wrestling match it would have been a 30-second bout. What a letdown.
Sausage party:
"Poor Kasey," Ali says, entering the room, with a smirk on her face that betrays her words. Frank is the first guy up, and gets some kissing time. Craig R. is next, and, in a cool Kasey-mocking gesture, rolls up his sleeve to reveal a self-made tattoo on his arm. They share a laugh, but not a kiss.
Chris N. is next, and Ali asks him how he managed to sneak onto the set. There is zero chemistry here, and we finally come to appreciate why the producers haven't given him any screen time. Chris L. takes over and it's more parental themed discourse. Zzzzz… Roberto pulls her outside and Ali is gushing all over him. They kiss, and it's time for the rose ceremony.
Rose ceremony, where every rose has no thorn
Before the ceremony, Chris plays armchair psychologist by calling Ali out on being afraid of falling in love. Surprisingly, she admits it, and then babbles on incessantly while perusing the boys' pictures.
The roses go to: Frank, Chris L., Roberto and Craig. Security is called in to finally whisk Chris N. away for creeping onto the set last week.
I repeat: Worst. “Bachelorette.” Episode. Ever. I have taken one for the team.
Next week? Istanbul, Turkey, where Ali finds out that one of the boys has a girlfriend.