We've Got Hollywood Covered
|

‘Apprentice 10': Sob Stories From a Crew of the Unemployed

A former contestant recaps “Apprentice 10” — and tells the newbies what to do if they want to win

Drama. Catfights. Ugly ties. Ivanka’s giant rack. The premier episode of “The Apprentice 10” has all the shenanigans we expect from our favorite corporate crazies, but with one timely twist: This season all the candidates are currently unemployed. The cast comprises all the usual suspects (entrepreneurs, sales people, attorneys … etc), but these contestants have fallen on hard times so they’re more desperate than ever to win.

There are only so many days you can sit at home in your underwear while watching Maury tell other jobless schleps, “You are NOT  the father.” Bored, broke and fame hungry? The stakes are higher than usual so this season is going to be epic.

The show opens with a montage of the cast members telling their sob stories:

“I had a corporate job and a promising future until the recession. I must get it back.”

“I had my own business, a pile of cash, a hot wife and like, 17 or 18 kids until the recession. I also must get it back.”

“Well I had like, 100 cars, 50 houses, 10 ponies, 7 butlers, 6 private jets, 4 wives and AT LEAST 3 unicorns until the recession. Now I too must get it back.”

So the fight is on.

Enter The Donald. He rolls up in his 1980s limo, looking fly with his fierce face and gravity-defying hair. He’s joined by his son Donald Jr., who looks more lost than ever, and his fembot daughter Ivanka, who looks like her motherboard was enhanced by at least 500 more cc’s of silicone.

The teams are tasked with designing a “modern workspace.” The simplicity of the task tells us one of two things must be true:

1. There aren’t any major corporations willing to spend advertising dollars to sponsor the tasks this season.

Or

2. The new cast is so dumb the producers fear any complicated task with multiple levels of play would actually make contestants explode.

I’m pretty sure we have at least a few intelligent signs of life on Planet Trump this season, so I think it was the advertising thing. Cort Furniture did donate some ugly tables, chairs and a rug that nearly killed the camera man, but that doesn’t count.

The men:  The old guy with glasses gets put up as project manager. At first he seems like a bumbling idiot, but by day two he realizes he needs to take charge of his troops. We learn that David is crazy, the red headed attorney is sleazy and Clint needs to wear a tie.  They design a colorful, but dysfunctional office.

The women: Nicole nominates herself to be project manager. The girls pretend to be all sugar and spice, but we start to see the claws come out whenever Mahsa enters the picture. Poppy and the other prettier blonde chick snark around exchanging evil glances and feeling superior, while Tyana, the hot-mess cougar, is in charge of designing the office. She fails miserably, but no one seems to care. The women are gunning for Nicole. The ladies design the world’s least modern office, with the world’s ugliest painting, of the world’s most random old white dude as their artistic centerpiece. Fail.

Both teams design god-awful offices and Trump thankfully admits he doesn’t like either one. Without revealing the winner yet, Trump asks each team why they suck so bad. The guys politely start to pull their knives but are quickly eclipsed by the women’s obnoxious bickering. Mahsa reveals herself to be the lunatic of the bunch and backstage the producers rejoice. Trump decides he likes the men’s office artwork better, so the boys win.

Claws come out.

A little lesson from an “Apprentice” alumnus: There are only three ways to survive in the boardroom:

1.     Be fierce

2. Blame the Project Manager

3. Shut up

If you are the project manager, there is only one way to survive in the boardroom:

1. Get everyone to turn on a player …  who ISN’T YOU

Nicole failed miserably at getting her team to turn on someone else, so they all turned on her and subsequently she was fired. After firing Nicole, Trump rattled off some nonsense about hooking her up with an interview (an interview, not even a job. LOL!!! ) with the Miss Universe pageant (which he owns). If Trump can’t even get poor Nicole a BS spokesmodel job with an organization he owns, she is in more trouble than she knows.

The good news? The preview for the next episode showed ice cream and tears. My two favorite things. Can’t wait!

Jenn Hoffman is an MBA with an attitude. As a cast member of "The Apprentice's" Season 6, she became famous for her sarcastic quips, outspoken views and over-the-top reactions to the boardroom drama. Since then she has appeared as a host or guest commentator on the Style Network, NBC, ABC, FOX, Fox Reality and FOX Business News. Continuing her love affair with reality TV, Jenn started her own production company and currently has partnered in development deals with some of the biggest production companies in the US. Follow Jenn on Twitter or at her website.