This year you can finally put an end to that vicious cycle of making New Year’s resolutions and then failing to live up to them. To guide you in this endeavor, I’ve taken a page straight out of the modern day parenting handbook.
Just as children are now showered with accolades for a different class of achievement (e.g., signing up, attending, participating), you too will succeed in 2012 not by the arcane means of putting in time and effort but by carefully crafting your goals upfront. Setting the bar appropriately will ensure that you’ll achieve everything you commit to do and more. Here’s a list of resolutions for you to adopt in the coming year:
1. Cap Weight Gain: Put on no more than 10 pounds before the summer. Maintain current intake levels of carbs, sugar and animal-based produce. Don’t stress about going organic, gluten free or multi-grain. Avoid documentaries about how our food is grown, harvested, killed or processed.
2. Make No Career Moves: Participate with restrained enthusiasm in water cooler
banter, office sports pools and the annual “secret Santa.” Otherwise, operate below the
radar. Make no requests with respect to promotions, more challenging assignments
or pay increases/bonuses. Refrain from contemplating “dream work situations” and
reject invitations to explore new opportunities.
3. Watch More TV: Upgrade from basic cable to the deluxe package. Learn to
download episodes from iTunes; borrow DVD box sets of “must see” series from
friends. Consider occasionally waking up earlier to squeeze in pre-work viewing
(but no pressure). Become versed in things Kardashian.
4. Give the Same: Donate approximately the same amount of money and volunteer
around the same amount of time as you did in 2011 (Note — a 20% variance is
considered “close enough”).
5. Spend Less Time With Friends & Family: Create more “me” time. Avoid
making the extra effort to attend events, extend invitations and participate in
other traditional obligations (e.g., national and religious holidays). Respond to
approximately 40% of your phone, email and text messages (if you were a baseball
player, that would be like batting .400 and nobody’s done that since 1941). Change
status on social networks to “inactive”.
6. Get Passive on Finances: Refrain from buying or selling stocks, bonds, real
estate and precious metals. Put all “plans for the future” on hold (e.g., company
401k, college fund, life insurance, etc.). You’re probably not in the 1% so your odds
of investing successfully in this market are somewhere around the same as flapping your arms real hard and flying. Limit financial “plays” to shifting funds between checking and “high yield” savings.
7. Exercise Less: Decrease all forms of activity across the board by 25% — less
walking, running, biking, hiking, skiing, surfing, swimming, etc. (basically cut down
on anything that has an “ing” in it). Make the car your best friend – elevators,
escalators and airport walkways will play the role of trusted companions. Purchase
a Segway to get around the office.
8. Drink More/Do Drugs: Say “yes” to that post-work cocktail but do shots
on weekends only. Exceptions include your birthday, your friend’s birthday or the
birthday of anyone else in the bar. Experiment with drugs like it’s the '60s all over
again.
9. Try Nothing New: Place on permanent hold your grand plans to finally learn
Spanish, go to the opera, take tai chi, join a book club, etc. New activities create new
neuron paths in the brain and who knows where those paths will lead. Stay on the
road most traveled — it’s safe, secure, and predictable. If you’re itching for a little
adventure, try working the remote with your opposite hand.
10. Live A More Insulated Life: Stop trying to keep up with what’s going on in
the world (politics, economics, environment, sports, pop culture, etc.) and resist
all temptations to “get involved” and “make a difference.” Enjoy what’s going on in
your own personal ecosystem. If history has taught us anything, it’s that there will
always be people who will step up and save the world, so you can count on the law of
averages.
Refuse to have another year of false promises, regrets and depression. Just commit
to the above resolutions and you might as well start planning the celebration party
now. Alternatively, you could consider not making any resolutions at all and just
loving the version of yourself that exists today. The choice is yours — either way, the
year of a successful you is there for the taking, so seize the day.
