"The Bachelor" does not disappoint in terms of giving me things to blog about.
I wish there was a pill I could take that would make me stop watching it. But who am I kidding? I would never take the pill. The train wreck is just too good.
This week we are in St. Lucia with Jake, Tenley, Vienna and Gia. Before we get to the island, Jake takes us down memory lane and shows us how he “fell in love” with all three girls. This is when I started to pull my hair out.
During Jake’s recap, he tells us he has fallen in love with all three girls, and can see himself with any one of them. I don’t know about you, but for me, clean-cut, high-morals, All-American Jake is getting a little sleazy.
We are now in San Francisco getting caught up with Ali. She lives there, yet she is being filmed in a hotel room, with pictures of Jake on the nightstand. She can’t sleep or focus on work, and her heart is breaking. I could not like this girl any less. She is crazy.
I do not think there is anything sincere about this girl. Sorry, America. She pulled an Ed, it backfired, and she is so blatantly campaigning to be next year’s Bachelorette that it’s difficult to watch her and not laugh. She does not deserve the opportunity; she should be banished.
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Her crying is fake and she is too snotty. She is also a horrible actress, because her look of pain and heartache looks more like constipation and confusion. Why is America rallying behind this girl?
Sidebar: It makes me crazy when Jake talks about his activities with the girls as if he thought about them all by himself, and has created all these experiences on his own. Come on — not your ideas, Sparky.
Jake is now talking about Gia, but you can just tell she is not the one. He says lovely things about her, and they have a good time, but I kept waiting for him to say she will be a great wife … for someone else. I think she’s out.
Jake spends a lot of time saying he wants the women to “open up completely.” Here’s the thing, Jake: If you spent less time making out, you could talk and learn more. Maybe you meant another type of opening up?
Gia and Jake are at dinner and they really have nothing to talk about. She is beautiful, and a really sweet girl. I like her a lot and feel bad for her, because she deserves to be in love with someone worthy. Jake is not that guy for her.
Is it me, or is there a certain porn element in watching them all make out in a bathtub while the cameras roll? If you turn down the volume and play some ’70s lounge music, you are, in fact, watching porn. I’m just saying.
Tenley has arrived and Jake is taking her on a helicopter tour. Let’s keep a count of how many times she talks about her ex. Jake says being with her is like a fairy tale, which makes sense since she is a Disney Princess.
For these girls to watch the show back at home, and see how he is crossing all sorts of boundaries with all of them, must be so hard. It’s like watching the St. Lucia sex tour of 2010.
Tenley tells Jake that she is falling in love with him. He kisses her on the nose and forehead. It’s just not going to be her. He is going to break her heart, and then say he was just trying to show her she could love again. So not cool.
I am now yelling at the television. Jake tells her that he just wants to be with her and talk. He then gives her the fantasy suite card. This guy is a pig. Why would he do that to her when he knows it’s not her?
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RUN TENLEY! RUN! They mention her previous marriage seix times. It is all she can talk about, yet we are supposed to believe she is over it? Vienna is divorced and she never talks about it. Vienna is classy like that. By classy, of course, I mean she is not stupid enough to talk about her past. Poor Tenley.
Our girl Vienna has now arrived. I love this chick. It took me a minute to get here, but I totally dig her. She makes Paris Hilton’s extensions look like real hair. Shame she’s been wearing the same swimsuit for the entire show.
She says she has never been in love before. Really? She said earlier that her boyfriend, the love of her life, broke up with her and married someone else five minutes later. She was so upset that she eloped with a stranger. She is playing the game, so bless her for conveniently forgetting about her past.
Did she not love that boyfriend? Did she not love the guy she eloped with? I think we are missing something with this girl. There is no doubt that she loves Jake, but something is going to come out of the closet to bite her in the butt.
Vienna is the only girl Jake talks to about engagement rings. He wants to know what kind of ring she wants, and they have a full-on talk about it. Then, after he talks rings, he tells her he is also in love with two other women.
Jake is a joy-sucker. Vienna is having a moment with him, and he tells her she is not the only one. Gross. Vienna then tells him that she is in love with him. She is the first one to come right out and say she loves him.
The fantasy suite card comes out and they go in. Vienna puts on some lingerie and they close the door. She is really putting herself out there by putting out. Good for her. She is my favorite.
Jake is in his room talking about how he has fallen in love with all of them. He then says he is excited to see how the cards fall. A girl’s heart will soon be broken, and he refers to it as cards falling. Jake is a pig.
The phone rings and surprise, surprise, it’s Ali! Cue the menacing music. She is back and whining and annoying, and I am so over Ms. Ali that I want to fly to San Francisco and tell her to stop. I want to blame her for all my problems with Facebook. She is bad.
She is telling him that she made a mistake and wants him back. She is a complete and total liar in my opinion. She wants to be the Bachelorette, and that is why she is back. She is a celebrity wannabe and I am not buying it.
Jake is wiping his fake tears. Ali is begging. I am vomiting. Jake is holding the phone away from his head and it’s just floating over his ear. Why is he doing that? He looks right into the camera to make sure they are getting it.
You can see her wheels spinning about what to say to make America feel sorry for her. “I was scared. I made a huge mistake. I will regret this forever. I love you.” Blah. Blah. Blah. She knows what she wants and she is working hard to get it. Don’t do it, Mike Fleiss!
They are now both fake-crying, and it’s painful to watch. Jake tells her she he is in love with three other women and she can’t come back. Translation: I just slept with all three of them and I will look sleazy if you come back now, so I will call you later.
Listen to me, Mike Fleiss! I love you. Truly I do. You cannot have her back as the Bachelorette. I won’t be able to watch anymore if she is. She had her chance, she blew it, she needs to be gone and stay gone.
Chris Harrison is now in St. Lucia and Jake is telling him how tough his week has been. Poor baby had to make out with three women, all of whom now trust him and love him. He had to hang out in his suite and spend time on the beach. It was brutal. His life is so hard.
Did anyone else notice that Jake refers to the price of Gia’s shoes twice? First he says they are $1,000, then $700. He is either totally metrosexual, or concerned she will spend all his money on shoes. She’s out.
Tenley is cute, and he talks about how she will make a great wife, but never says his wife. She’s out.
Jake loves how much Vienna loves him. She is going to win, and then he will be floored when all her dirty little secrets come out.
I am done hearing about how confused Jake is. He is not confused — he is sad that he can now only make out with two girls. He talks about how he was dateless in high school. Hello! He is having a moment of payback with everyone who was mean to him, and he is loving it.
The girls all send a video message to Jake. It’s almost sad to watch because they are all invested, and you know two of them will be crushed. Jake is talking about getting closure and having regret with his decision. He knew what he was in for, and he needs to stop complaining.
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I’m just not feeling any sincerity from Jake. He’s a good guy, so perhaps it’s because he has already made his decision, and he just wants it to look like he’s torn. It feels a little fake to me, but who knows what he is really thinking.
The three girls arrive, and Vienna is the only one Chris Harrison kisses when she gets out of the car. Interesting. Tenley gets the first of the two roses. Number two goes to … Vienna.
When he announces it is Vienna, I could hear my neighbors start screaming NO! It was hilarious. Gia is out, but we all saw that one coming. She is gorgeous and lovely and she is going to be fine. I like her and wish her well.
It grosses me out that Jake tells her that the next guy she meets is going to be very lucky to have her. He just broke her heart so it’s empty words. I’ve had men tell me the same thing as they dump me, and it’s stupid.
Gia tells him she understands, and is a complete and total lady. She left with her head held high and was classy. I felt for her, and in the end, it’s sad because she did the best she could, and it just wasn’t enough.
Next week we have The Women Tell All special, and then it will be the MOST DRAMATIC SEASON FINALE IN THE HISTORY OF "THE BACHELOR" when Jake will hand out the final rose. Thank God. This season feels like it’s been on forever and I’m ready for it to be over. Bring on "The Bachelor Pad" already!
How great would it be if he didn’t pick either? In the teaser he says he would never ask a woman to marry him if he didn’t mean it. Maybe he will dump them both. That would be great television.