Hello rosebuds and welcome to our weekly Rose Rehash of the "Bachelor"/"Bachelorette" reject jamboree that is "Bachelor Pad." We’re Carrie and Deirdre, your dazed and confused recappers, and will occasionally interject our real-time comments.
This week, after settling back into Casa Bachelor, we rejoin the rejects directly after The Wrestler’s "dramatic" exit. We always thought he was a spectacular jerk so we’re not surprised that he continues to show his true colors.
The next morning, we wake up with Jake, as he talks about getting rid of the "target on his back" and having people see him how he really is. He says the next challenge is important because he "needs this rose."
The producers do a great job of having Jake foreshadow the first challenge, because surprise! — the contestants are literally going to have targets on their backs. Chris discloses that the contestants will be asked "difficult" and "revealing" questions and will aim a paint-filled egg at the person who best represents the answers. Each egg-hit gains a point and the winner gets the immunity rose and a hot date.
Question #1: Who are you least attracted to? Gia’s up first and scores a point, followed by Melissa, who also scores. Holly misses, Ella misses, and Vienna throws a rage filled egg at Jake, but misses. Michelle also misses, while Erica hits Kasey. Jackie hits Michael and we move on to…
Question #2: Who do you think least deserves the $250,000? Jackie hits Graham and is ahead with 2 points. Melissa also scores, Erica misses, and Gia misses her shot intended for Kasey.
Question #3: Who do you want to see go home this week? Every single gal whips an egg at Jake while he whines in his confessional voiceover about how no one knows the truth about his relationship with Vienna. For the tiebreaker, Melissa and Jackie take aim at the "dumbest guy there"—Jackie misses, aiming for William, while Melissa hits Graham and wins!
Jackie is bummed, because she wanted to get the rose and ask Honest Ames out.
Carrie: Awwww! Maybe Ames will find love on his second "Bachelor" go-round. Second times a charm, right?
The boys step up to their Question #1: Which of these women would most likely cheat on you if you were dating? Jake’s lips curl into a sneer and he says he doesn’t want to answer the question because it brings up some old issues with Vienna. Namely, that she cheated on him with “three men, I believe.” He channels his rage and launches an egg into Vienna’s back. Michael also gets a point, while Kasey blows it.
Question #2: Who do you want to go home this week? Nearly everyone hits Erica, except Jake, who nails Vienna again.
Question #3: Who are you least attracted to? Erica takes a beating; William says her back looks like “Picasso went to town.” Erica is sobbing about how awful it feels to have everyone in the house feel like she’s unattractive, while Michelle tries to tell her how beautiful she is. Michael wins the challenge for the boys, but feels bad about hitting Erica with a "fast ball" egg.
Later, we watch Michael brood over Holly and talk about how he’s still not over her. But there’s no time like date-time to get the process started. Except, he picks Erica, Michelle and Holly. Michelle sums up what we are all thinking: "Going on a date with a guy and his ex-finance is pretty awkward." As if this date wasn’t awful enough, they arrive at Linda Vista Community Hospital, which Michael explains he and Holly read about in a book. It’s a 1920s hospital where all sorts of crazy stuff went down — because nothing says romance like recreating a bad horror movie. We’re treated to the creepy green lens capturing their "adventure" as we follow them through the super scary corridors.
Erica says that she doesn’t really get scared.
Carrie: That’s because you’re medicated.
Deirdre: Where’s her tiara? Doesn’t it have some magical powers to ward off spirits?
And then we hear her scream. Michelle takes this opportunity to cozy up to Holly with some tumblers of wine and tell her that it seems like "there still might be something there" between Michael and Holly.
Oh great, we find Michael leading Michelle to a séance circle! Let’s please talk to some Ghosts-of-Bach-Seasons-Past! Michael is bewitched by the candlelight and Michelle’s soothing voice, and tells her about his engagement and break-up with Holly. Michelle asks him how she would feel if Holly starts seeing someone on the show, and he admits that it would be hard.
Carrie: OMG—is Holly going to start speaking through Michelle?
Deirdre: This whole thing is freaking me out. Get out of the circle already!
Back outside, it’s time to hand out the rose, and not even the spirits are surprised when Michael sweetly presents it to Holly. They take it to the roof and have a heart to heart. Michael says how hard it is to see her—he realizes that he wants her to be happy and then they are both crying and talking about how they don’t really know what happened. Holly says the timing was off, but Michael says he still loves her and misses her. Holly asks Michael, "Didn’t you feel like we were just best friends?" Michael says no—that he wanted to marry her. Holly sobs, "this is so sad," while Michael declares he’s ready to give up the show's 250K in prize money for Holly.
Back at the Pad, Captain Kirk clues us in on where the couples stand: Holly and Michael are at the will they/won’t they stage, Vienna and Kasey "act like they own the place," Jackie and Honest Ames are sneaking off to make out, Romeo and Juliet style, and poor Jake is "scrambling" and "desperate."
The date card arrives and Melissa picks her men — Kirk, Kasey and Blake. Before they depart for the date, Melissa lets Kasey in on a little secret — she’ll give him the rose on tonight’s date if he agrees to save her next week.
Deirdre: Me thinks an alliance I smell.
Kasey loves this and exclaims that he’s like The Godfather.
Carrie: Ha! The Godfather — he's not even Fredo.
Melissa and the boys set sail for their date on the Not-Exactly-Love Boat. She can’t believe she’s there with the three hottest guys in the Pad! So this is what it feels like to be the Bachelorette—and she likes it. Honey, they are only on a date with you because you won the challenge and they are trying to win 250K. We feel bad for Melissa, because she clearly didn’t watch last season of the Pad to know how things are done here in Bachelorland.
Nightfall finds Jake, sitting on the edge of his bed, whining about how everyone hates him. Downstairs, Vienna is parked on the couch telling the girls how awful Jake was sans cameras and how he treated her like a possession. Jake’s ears must be burning, causes he jumps up and exclaims that he’s going to ask Vienna for help. He busts in, and asks "V" if he can talk to her for just two seconds.
"V" says she’s not comfortable speaking to Jake without Kasey around and the ladies start talking about how she’s being "mean" and "negative." Jake is smiling, because this is all part of his plan for Vienna to sink and "bring herself down."
Back on the boat, Kasey says they are having a "yacht of fun," but Blake knows that a boat pun won’t keep him in the Pad. He pulls Melissa onto the bed and tells her he wants to give her something to think about. He slips her some serious tongue — and then says kissing her didn’t seem like a big deal, but rather an easy way to "pacify her for the moment." Blake needs to do what he needs to do — even if "it’s whoring himself out" and maintaining false friendships to get the money. Classy.
Clearly, Blake’s smooch worked as he seals the deal and steals the safety rose from Kasey. He toasts Melissa and promises it’s "us to the end." Then he says it’s easy to kiss Melissa back because "I’ve had a few drinks." Wow.
Back at the house, Gia has plan — the way to win the game is to take out the power couple, so Gia is on a mission to break up Kasey and Vienna. She enlists Graham’s support and he agrees to help.
Blake and Holly are snuggling in the bed—she’s confused about Michael and how Melissa has "claimed" Blake — cut to Melissa yelling Blake’s name and Blake admitting, "he’s not attracted to her" and "it’s a tactic." Melissa lies down on the bed with Holly and Blake. It’s not the threesome he had in mind. Holly smartly bolts before things get weird, while Melissa unleashes the crazy on Blake and they start fighting. In his confessional, Blake calls her "unstable" and says it’s not hard to see why she’s single.
In case we forgot this season is all about Jake and Vienna, we find him getting ready to approach Vienna again so she can "do something kind" and save his ass. "This is me with my hat in my hand" — he sits down with Kasey and Vienna and all but begs for their help. Kasey asks Jake if he thinks he deserves to be here and he says yes. Jake plans to donate all the money! Ha, yeah right. Vienna’s not buying it either and interrupts Jake—"I know you are 230K in debt and you can’t fool me." Kasey says Jake doesn’t deserve to be here; Ella is eavesdropping and says she feels sorry for Jake because she thinks Vienna and Kasey are "hotheaded." Jake totally has everyone fooled that he’s being a nice guy and the tables are starting to turn in his favor.
Back in the house, Vienna and Kasey smooch and she coos she is proud of her "man" for defending her against big, bad Jake. Kasey tells her she's "his forever” while we struggle to keep our dinner down.
We nearly fall off the couch when Kasey starts flexing his wrist in the confessional—“It’s beating, it’s throbbing,” he says as his bizarre shield tattoo starts moving up and down, “It only means one thing—it’s guard and protect time.”
Carrie: How has that not become the next Superhero? Who needs Spidey when you have Bachelor Man—he’ll guard and protect your heart from danger and douchebags vying for 250k on cheesy reality TV shows!
And then, rather than guard and protect time, it’s cocktail time.
Deirdre: Phew, Erica is wearing her tiara again; I hardly recognized her.
Chris puts on his counselor tie, sits the group down and delves into the “tension” that is going on between Kasey and Vienna v. Jake. Vienna wails that it’s “not fair” that her ex-fiancé is in the house. Chris points out that Holly and Michael were also engaged but they are doing just fine and are even trying to be friends. Vienna then complains that she was “forced to break up on national television” and she “doesn’t think it’s appropriate for you guys to make us do this again.” Chris wonders, “Who is forcing you to be here?” Vienna says no one, but that she “didn’t know Jake was going to be here.” There is no way we believe this. Chris isn’t letting Vienna off easy and asks who is forcing her to be there now. Chris points to the door and tells her if she’s unhappy, he’ll call a cab for her.
Carrie: Zing! She doesn’t even get a sobbing limo confessional, or a reject dinghy.
Chris drops another bomb—things are about to change. Two people are still going home, he says ominously, but this week, two women are going home. So it looks like the producers stepped in again to delay Jake’s departure and prolong the inevitable drama that surrounds Vienna and Jake. Let’s hear it for the boys!
The girls have to vote against each other—and Jake’s feeling like he’s back on top of his game. He’s still got a chance to win the money and promises to “go until he dies” and that “he’s a strong as an ox.”
Deirdre: Good luck getting that charity money, kids.
Kasey asks Vienna if she wants to go home—she says that she’s not leaving this house because Kasey is keeping her strong and everyone in the house is “on her side.” Kasey sits down with Gia and calls her out—he tells her that Graham told him she’s been trying to send Kasey and Vienna home. Gia starts crying and runs across the patio to confront Graham. Graham admits he did tell Kasey that Gia was trying to break up the power couples, but Graham can’t figure out why Kasey told Gia.
Carrie: Um, because this is a competition? Hello?
Gia is sobbing about how sneaky everyone is as she packs her bags. Out in the driveway, she tells Chris she doesn’t want to be part of this anymore—and that she wasn’t made for this game. She’s chauffeured off in a beige minivan—how low-rent are these exits? —and she sobs about how “cocky Kasey is” and how she “isn’t giving them the satisfaction of voting her off.”
Back at the Pad, most of the group is plotting to oust Ella. Blake pulls her aside and lets her know that people think she’s a threat. Ella shares that she really needs the cash to provide for her son and that she’s “not leaving without the money.” Next, she “makes a connection” with Kirk, who also is there for the money since he’s buried in debt.
Later, Kirk tells the guys that Ella wants to partner up with him and the guys are cool with it—the guys also see Jackie as a threat and Honest Ames is nervous that his new lady friend will be on the chopping block.
Kasey made a promise to Jackie and Ames, but since we know promises don’t mean anything on Bachelor Pad, we’re not buying it. Vienna and Kasey both go back on their promise and slip Jackie’s photo into the box of doom.
Ames and Jackie are too cute snuggling on couch—but here comes the crazy. Melissa confronts Blake about how everyone in the house thinks he’s a player and then storms off to sit with Michelle. Blake comes out and asks Melissa if they can talk like adults, but we know that’s not happening. Melissa crumples against Michelle and cries that she can’t find someone, while Blake calls her “crazy” and says he “dug his own grave” by becoming her partner.
It’s rose ceremony time—Ames is nervous for Jackie because they are falling in love. Michael does the honors: Vienna gets the first rose, followed by Michelle and Erica. Ella gets the rose and Ames and Jackie’s love story is put on hold when she has to say goodbye. Ames walks her to the limo, where they embrace and share some sweet kisses. Ames says, “He needs to stay calm” and remember what’s important—in this case, he’s met a beautiful women and there is the possibility that they might be able to pursue a future together. Ames gives Jackie one last smooch and walks back towards the house as the limo leaves — but as soon as he reaches the other contestants, he throws up his two hands, offers an awkward wave goodbye and bolts back to the limo like a knight in cranberry trousers. He throws open the door and the ladies start to squeal and cry as Ames asks Jackie if “there’s room for one more.”
Deirdre: I don’t know. It’s kinda crowded with all the cameramen in here.
As they drive off, Ames exclaims it’s the happiest limo ride in Bachelor history and that it’s safe to say he and Jackie won Bachelor Pad 2.
We say hooray and join us next week for less fairly tales and more drama!