Chris Harrison asks: How far would you travel to fall in love?
The boys are leaving the house for good and traveling around the world. First stop: NYC. We cut to New York where Ali is dressed all bohemian. She says that travelling with someone is how you get to know everything about them. No, Ali, travelling just gives you a suspended sense of reality.
But I digress … Ali is getting a makeover, and a dude named Hal is going to help her with the fashion choices. She emerges from her makeover and she looks, umm, quite fashionable. Which is a good thing, because she’s going to be featured in the July issue of In Style magazine. When she’s done with Hal the stylist, she thanks him, but would it have hurt her to show a bit more gratitude? Back at 75 Wall (where the boys are situated), we find out that Kasey is getting the first one-on-one.
Kasey has never been to NY before, and he tells the camera, "You can’t even fantasize how good the girl looks." Man, he is smitten.
Chris L. compares Kasey to Amy Adams in Enchanted (not really, but that’s what I took from it). K&A take a helicopter ride and they hoot and holler in the back just like schoolchildren. The helicopter pilot tells the camera, "Can I shoot myself in the head now?" OK, maybe he didn’t exactly say that out loud but you know he was thinking it. Kasey makes an awkward metaphorical reference about Ali and a cocoon and a butterfly but I lost him, perhaps because I wasn’t paying full attention.
They land and partake in a sunset picnic, whereby Kasey decides to sing her a song. After the first verse, he gets crickets from Ali, but somehow forges on. Instead of utilizing a cricket sound, ABC goes with gulls screaming. Mercifully, we go to commercial.
They move on to the American Museum of Natural History and Ali confesses that she’s keeping an open mind about Kasey. Translation: dude ain’t gettin’ a rose tonight. Kasey continues to act like a little boy and keeps telling the camera that Ali is his future wife. If there were a Greek Chorus in the show they would jump out and sing, "De-lu-sion-al!" Back at 75 Wall, the names for the group date are read. Justin isn’t on the card and he’s sulking.
Cut back to the museum, and Ali is having doubts while Kasey is ch-ch-choosing Ali and is being overtly ch-ch-cheesy. Don’t believe me about how cheesy he’s being? Here’s proof: "My heart… jump in, stay a while." Yeah, he said that. As I pause the DVR to write that line, Ali’s face is stuck in the most awesome "you’re-freaking-me-the-eff-out" pose I’ve ever seen. Then, just because he hasn’t freaked her and the rest of North America out enough, he jumps back into song. My wife, our cats and I break out in thunderous laughter.
Unfortunately for Ali, she has to address this. "I like you … I think you’re a really good guy. I’m worried it’s not real," is what she starts with. He looks like he’s been stabbed. No rose for Kasey. Kasey was at bat, and he struck out. But wait: Ali doesn’t want him to leave! Say what? She’s on crack. She hugs him and he sulks to the camera.
Group date, and the boys are in Times Square. Dudes get a clue via video billboard, and they quickly figure out that the date has something to do with "The Lion King." The show’s producer tells the boys that they’re going to compete in some sort of musical competition to win a private date with Ali, who is feeling under the weather. The guys don the black tights and get a choreography lesson; Roberto seems to be the favorite so far. As for singing, almost all the boys suck except for Jesse — who kinda nails it.
Then Roberto is up and he is pitchy, dawg. .. yet Ali falls for it. So does the producer, so it’s Roberto on the big date. We learn that all the guys are going to be in the production. Before commercial, Weatherboy calls himself a schmuck.
It’s more rehearsal time, and much to his delight, Roberto gets to hold Ali a lot. In the audience, the boys are ticked that he’s always got his face in her cleavage. Weatherboy continues with the inane weather forecast analogies.
It’s show time for Roberto and Ali and they’re hanging from wires. Once again, Roberto has his face in her cleavage. I’d have paid him a g-note to do the motorboat all up in that. The boys, who are watching from the Green (Eyed Monster) room, are insanely jealous.
After the show, Frank pulls Ali aside and Roberto takes over from Weatherboy with a stupid forecast analogy of his own. ENOUGH! Frank and Ali head out in the rain and they kiss under their respective umbrellas (Ellas, ellas. Gimme a break here people; these silly references are all that’s keeping me going tonight).
The three guys not involved in the group date, Chris L., Justin and Kasey learn that Chris L. gets the next one-on-one. Weatherboy tries and fails to pull Ali away, yet Kirk works his magic and gets to put Ali to bed. Ominous music plays as Weatherboy confesses his jealousy. Kirk plays the gentleman card by cuddling a bit and letting her go to sleep. Awww…
Chris L. is pumped because it’s his birthday, but Ali is pumped … with medicine, because she’s still feeling sick. So instead of a real date, Chris still gets to join her in her suite and take care of her. He shows up with flowers and soup. Just a random observation: I hate when people say "supposebly" in place of "supposedly." Ali just did. I know she’s sick, but really? Supposebly? Grrr …
Back at 75 Wall, Kasey is AWOL and the boys wonder where he’s at. The answer? At a tattoo parlor. The guys are concerned that he’s going to do something he’ll regret. He honestly believes that a tattoo is the solution to his problems. Cue the Greek Chorus …
Chris and Ali lounge in bed, and then she miraculously recovers and the pair head out to 230 Fifth restaurant/club to dine on seafood. The conversation reverts back to his mom, and seriously — what kind of first date talk is this? They call Chris’s dad and we get a touching moment. Ali: "I would love to marry into a family like that." Prophetic statement?
Kasey walks in and fabricates a story that the bandage around his arm is due to a stove burn. Justin goes on record and calls him a fibber. Cut back to the date, where Ali gives Chris the rose. They head up to the roof where Joshua Radin is perched with a guitar, and is accompanied by a choir. They kiss passionately. "She’s my girlfriend now," Chris boasts. Can we please fast-forward to when she proposes to him and save ourselves the torture of six or seven more episodes?
It’s sausage party time, and the boys are still dissing Justin. As well, the guys grill Kasey on what he’s going to say to her. Kasey confesses to the camera that the tattoo is of a shield protecting a heart. "I’m going to show her that I’m literally wearing my heart on my sleeve," he says. I cannot make this up, folks. The Bachelorette is Just. That. Cheesy. Weatherboy breaks out the guitar and corners Ali with a very bad song. I never thought I’d say this, but I miss Wes from last season. Did Jonathan just call himself a singer/songwriter? You betcha. Does he follow it with yet another forecast analogy? Double-you-betcha.
Justin calls Kasey out about his integrity, as he isn’t buying Kasey’s "burn mark" story. Kasey isn’t budging, but he stares at Justin uncomfortably. He then addresses the boys, coming clean about his tattoo. The boys, along with everyone else in North America, question Kasey’s sanity. Ali enters and pulls Kasey aside. He hems and haws and is ultimately unable to tell her about the tattoo.
Rose ceremony time … The roses go to: Kirk, Frank, Craig, Chris N. (Who? Did he just stumble onto the set?), Roberto, Justin, Ty, and Kasey. WHAT???? Kasey is still here? Jesse and Weatherboy are going home. Jesse is upset and can’t wait to see his dogs. Jonathan is surprised and dumbfounded. He’s not sure if he’s ever going to find love.
Dear ABC, Do NOT make Jonathan the next Bachelor.
Next week? Iceland, where volcanoes are not the only thing erupting.