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‘Big Brother': Didn’t the Mean Girls Learn Anything From Us?

Funny stuff is appreciated, but we’d prefer they hurled insults at each other with velocity like the glasses of water we threw at each other

"Big Brother" this week could have easily been entitled “The Crying Game." The weeping of the mean girls, Britney and Monet, began almost immediately after Rachel’s HOH win and continued through Thursday night’s episode. 

Cattiness reigned supreme with Queen Rachel nominating both Britney and Monet for eviction and the mean girls, in turn, eviscerating Rachel behind her back. Each teardrop shed by the mean girls was accompanied by a verbal smack down from afar, really far, opposite sides of the backyard far, she’s in the HOH room, they’re in the cabana far … like nowhere close to causing any confrontations far.

Britney’s “Every time she wears a skirt I feel like STDs have gone airborne,"  said directly to Rachel’s face would have given us the much-needed drama we’re craving this low-key season, but both she and Monet chose to keep their distance while calling Queen Rachel out on her jealousy and personal game play.

“She’s a stupid hooker," said Monet. Britney responds, eyes rolling & voice dripping with sarcasm, “Monet, Rachel is a chemist.”

Funny stuff and the gems are appreciated, but these houseguests have learned nothing from past seasons, which is shocking given that we’re a prevailing topic of their conversations and final plea speeches. The insults? We’d prefer you hurled them at each other with velocity like the glasses of water we threw in each other’s faces. Yeah, like that.

Britney gives great diary room and can trash talk with the best of them (as long as it’s not face-to-face), but she also proved she could win competitions and take herself off the block. A veto win was just what she needed, but Britney knew Monet remained and was Rachel’s target.

True to her friendship, Britney fought to get Andrew up as her replacement, ensuring Monet stays, and the mean girls thought this just might work. However, MENSA member Matt offered himself as a pawn and this proved too enticing for Rachel to pass up because she put him up while also announcing (as agreed upon) that this was a purely strategic move to send Monet home.

Saboteur Annie may have exposed Brendon’s scientist secret, but many other houseguests move stealthily through this game. Matt is part of the still secret alliance of The Brigade, but is also playing an individual “poor me” game in which he’s lying to his fellow houseguests about his wife having a rare bone disease affecting her leg.

Addressing the house, he claimed the money won would go to her operation and recovery, but in the diary room, he stated he would give a portion of his winnings to a charity specializing in this disease to make up for his treachery. Ragan, a professor downplaying his intelligence to student, felt compassion for him no questions asked, but Andrew, the podiatrist lying about being a shoe salesman, sensed deception.

Andrew may not appear to be highly involved in the house & its activities, but he is privy to another secret hidden deep within the house walls and only a few feet from his bed. Kristen and Hayden have a secret showmance brewing and he’s within earshot of the smacking, slurping, and strategizing.

While Andrew is pretending to sleep he’s making mental notes that I’m sure will come in handy one day when he’s in the position to save his butt from the block.

Rachel saved him this week and with her sights firmly set on getting Monet out she directed her attention towards testing Kristen’s vote and stirred up some trouble of her own. Rachel outright lied to Kristen by declaring Britney said Kristen could possibly vote to keep Monet in the house over Matt.

Kristen flatly denied this and questioned Britney who then called over Monet and this possible fight was cut short with Rachel contending she doesn’t want drama after initiating it. Monet just walked away, still wanting to punch Queen Rachel in her face, but instead telling Rachel, she had better be glad she’s walking away. Drama averted.

On the other hand, should I say diverted? Because soon after that anti-climatic scene we were in the midst of a house meeting focused on exposing Matt for playing both sides. He was guilty of comforting the mean girls as they cried and bashed Rachel, even promising to avenge them. At the time, Britney & Monet weren’t aware he had volunteered himself as the pawn with every intention of getting Monet out.

This little revelation came later when frenemies, Rachel & Britney compared notes through the tears in their eyes. Britney cried in order to garner sympathy while creating this last ditch effort to save her friend. Rachel cried going into this failed attempt to impede Matt’s strong game because she felt played. And Monet cried while leaving this farce of a meeting, realizing it was futile, but still throwing out there that Matt couldn’t be trusted.

It wasn’t enough to persuade most of the houseguests as they sided with Matt. The vote came down to 7-2 forcing Monet out. Poor girl was on the verge of tears during her last plea speech and rushed out of the door shedding tears before she even sat down with Julie Chen.

Nevertheless, it wasn’t all sadness and sorrow. The mean girls said goodbye and we laughed along with Monet when Britney bid a tearful adieu with, “I’m so going to miss sitting in the backyard and talking with you about how high waisted Kristen’s pants are. And how skanky Rachel’s dressing every day. And how annoying her laugh is. And … all the things we could do with her hair extensions … ” 

Flushing them down the toilet was one of the options. What will Britney do without her partner in catty crime? Will Rachel say, “You tried to break up me & my man.” in every goodbye message? Who will win HOH this week and will they finally break up Brenchel?

The season’s first endurance competition, Hang Ten, was well underway at the close of the show. Battered by wind, arctic cold water, and fluctuating surfboard position, the first five to drop are the Haves for the upcoming week. The final four to drop are the Have-Nots and the houseguest who stays on his/her surfboard the longest will be the new HOH.

Check back next week to see how this all plays out!

Opinionated, passionate, and sometimes controversial, Chima Simone has interviewed celebrities from A to Z-list on the red carpet for various outlets, but she is best known for her stay and dramatic exit from the "Big Brother" house. Simone, not only made many Top Reality TV Moments of 2009, she also received a Really Award nod for Favorite Villain. While she may not have won that title, Simone sure receives an honorable mention as one of the most outspoken houseguest ever. Bringing that same candor to her weekly recaps, there will be -- no need to sit down -- as she keeps you on your toes with her take on reality TV. Follow her on Twitter.