‘Bachelorette’ Forecast: Lust, Teeny Speedos & Chance of a Good Brawl

Kids, let this be a lesson that boys never grow up

The festivities begin with the boys being called to the living room, and Chris announces that there will be two individual dates and one group date. But wait, there’s more: Chris compares the individual dates to a double-edged sword, because on said individual dates, if you don’t get a rose you’re going home.

Frank gets an individual date and he is way too pumped up. His card says, "All signs point to love."

We cut to Ali who tells the camera how happy she is that she’s dating 17 guys. I don’t know where she comes from, but where I’m from a girl who dates 17 guys is called … well, I won’t go there. She comes to fetch Frank and they hop into a vintage convertible.

Just as Frank utters the words "What can go wrong?" the jalopy sputters and they’ve got to pull over to the shoulder of the highway (looks like the 101). The car won’t start. Ali is flipping out. Frank is concerned. We go to commercial.

They ditch the car and call a cab. Was this planned? The pair land on Hollywood Boulevard and the paps swarm Ali. Frank is proud. Frank tells the camera that he already feels they’re a couple. Ummm,

Back at the mansion we have an argument between Craig R. and Justin the Rated-R bunghole. Nothing is settled. Back to the individual date, and Ali pulls a Ke$ha and picks the lock that leads them down to the Hollywood sign. Except this time, the stunt is real and not just a YouTube prank. The couple settles under the first "L."

Frank speaks about "following his heart" and waxes poetic about the importance of love. They kiss and hold each other as if they’ve been in love for a while, and I’m thinking they’re both falling way too fast (figuratively of course, because literally would be just too awesome … it’s a far way down from that sign).

The car gets fixed and Ali takes Frank to where I think to be Mulholland Drive. They break out a picnic basket, which happens to contain a rose. She lays it down and teases him with its presence. Back at the sausage party the boys talk about the group date. Bunghole Craig M. calls Jesse’s tattoos "f**king g*y" and the bleeps are coming fast and furious. Classy.

As she tells the camera she’s done with games, Ali is striking me as the kind of person that falls in love far too easily. She gives Frank the rose and I’m guessing Frank is going to be around for a long time. They kiss, I puke, my wife gags, and the cats cough up a few hairballs.

It’s group date time, and Ali is wearing a bikini top with her khakis. The boys go cuckoo for boobage puffs. They’re at the beach in Malibu and the crew is going to be doing a photo shoot for charity. Gonna be a Sexy Guy calendar, and the boys get primped up. Jonathan the Weatherman delivers the best line of the season so far: "The amount I want the rose is equal to how much of a d*ck Craig M. is."

Some of the boys are rockin’ Speedos (yuck) and those who aren’t get made fun of for "having too much room in there." Kids, let this be a lesson that boys never grow up. Weatherboy gets the short end of the stick (pardon the pun) and is forced to wear the smallest Speedo ever. Remember Weatherboy had the best line of the season? He just topped it with "Forecast of the day is 100% chance my crotch will show." The boys make jokes about erect telescopes, and Wes, I mean, Ty, breaks out the guitar and sings a bad song. The segment (finally) ends with a group shot.

After the commercial the crew heads inside. Ty pulls Ali aside and brings up the fact that he’s been married. He spins it to lead her into thinking that the experience made him a better person. Weatherboy is still spoutin’ crap about Craig M. and it looks like we’re leading up to a fight. He moves in on Ty for some one-on-one time with Ali, and he fumbles around with ways to convey how much he’s digging her.

Then, he totally throws Craig M. under the bus by calling him a dangerous person, crazy, and mumbles on and on. He blatantly checks out her backside as they leave the room. Honestly, I am lovin’ this guy. Craig M. calls him over and gives him a hard time.

Another card presents itself, with word that Jesse is getting the next individual date. Rated B for Bunghole is next up for some one-on-one time and the two cuddle on the couch. It’s apparent that Ali is eating up his Rater R bullsh*t, though Ty is the recipient of the next rose.

It’s time for the Jesse date, and Ali is already singing his praises. They meet at a private airport where a private jet awaits. Where to? Vegas! Ali confesses a fear of flying, which may or may not be an excuse to grab his thigh. Jesse isn’t doing a great job of reassuring her, but then again he’s probably not thinking with that head.

They disembark into a hot red Ferrari and it’s time for The Strip. They’re at Aria resort and they’re apparently the first to check out Liquid pool. They partake in oysters, because, as Ali is quick to point out, they’re an aphrodisiac; it’s unclear whether Jesse understands the meaning of the word.

Nighttime arrives and they’re both dressed impeccably. Dinner is set up in a sweet suite (yeah, I just wrote that) and they’re treated to an awesome view of the strip. Back at the sausage party we get more ribbing of Weatherboy from Craig M., who’s strutting around in Jonathan’s clothes.

Cut to: Vegas. Ali’s laugh isn’t getting any less annoying and I’m regretting all the things I said about Jillian’s laugh last year. Anyway, she gives Jesse the rose and they get Haze nightclub all to themselves — where Jamie Cullum plays piano for them. They dance and begin to make out as we cut to a commercial.

It’s cocktail party #2, and the drinks are flowing. First, Chris L. — who hasn’t had any time with Ali — gets some private time and so far I like this dude the most. Roberto is next and she’s got her hand on his thigh. I see a pattern developing here.

They head outside for a little pitch and catch. No, not a euphemism… Next up is Kasey and he gets the shaft from Frank, who already has a rose. He tells her that he already perceives her to be his girlfriend, and they make out. Again.

More rhetoric between Weatherboy and Craig M., and the tension rises as Ali grabs Weatherboy. He continues to throw Craig M. under the bus to Ali and I’m wondering whether this is going to work against him. Craig M. moves in and right away, Ali questions his motives. His eyes are darting all over the place and I don’t think he’s winning her over.

He stumbles, stumbles some more, and is incapable of looking her in the eye. Their talk accomplishes nothing.

Craig M. calls a group meeting with the boys and asks which dude called him dangerous. More rhetoric between these two guys, and unless this comes to blows I’m growing tired of it. Thankfully, Chris interrupts and calls for a rose ceremony.

Three guys are going home tonight, and Ali enters and babbles on about something or other. Roses go to: Kasey, Hunter, Roberto, Chris L., Justin, Steve, Kirk, John C., Craig R., Chris N. and Jonathan the Weatherboy. Yup, Craig M. is going home, and he mugs for the camera as he leaves.

Next week? You guessed it. Even more drama.