The new, "100 percent" sober Charlie Sheen is also 100 percent normal.
Just kidding.
In his latest round of baffling on-air comments, Sheen ripped "Two and a Half Men" creator Chuck Lorre, Alcoholics Anonymous, one of his ex-wives, churchgoers and Scientology in a call in to "The Alex Jones Show" Thursday.
He also called Thomas Jefferson "a p—y," for some reason.
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Sheen further compared himself to Marlon Brando's Kurtz in "Apocalypse Now," which starred his father, Martin Sheen.
He said he didn't believe in the Bible, which was full of "talking snakes."
And he advised Sunday churchgoers: "(You're) missing a lot of good sports, people."
There were also some additional, confusing references to ninjas.
The actor, who announced he was going into rehab Jan. 28, was supposed to return to shooting "Two and a Half Men" on Monday. He said he would be there.
"I'll be there early," he said. "I don't sleep. I wait."
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It could be an interesting day, given Sheen's comments about his boss.
They came when Jones asked Sheen about a vanity card at the end of a recent "Two and a Half Men" episode in which Lorre joked he would be "pissed" if Sheen outlives him, given his own healthy lifestyle.
Brace yourself for a long answer, okay?
"I didn't care about that vanity card. In fact, I went straight on with that one and just dispelled that. That was actually one of the few compliments that clown has paid me in almost a decade," Sheen said.
He also said Lorre's real name was Chaim Levine," and called him ungrateful. (Note: A recent New Yorker profile reveals Lorre's birth name to be Charles Levine.)
"It's nothing this side of deplorable that a certain Chaim Levine, yeah, that's Chuck's real name, mistook this rock star for his own selfish exit strategy, bro. Check it, Alex. I embarrassed him in front of his children and the world by healing at a pace that his unevolved mind cannot process," he said.
Sheen continued: "OK, last I checked, Chaim, I've spent, I think, close to the last decade effortlessly and magically converting your tin cans into pure gold, and the gratitiude I get is this charlatan chose not to do his job, which is write. Clearly someone who thinks he is above the law. Well, you've been warned, dude. Bring it."
Representatives for Lorre, CBS and Warner Bros. TV, which produces the show, did not immediately respond to requests for comment. Sheen's spokesman declined to comment.
"Two and a Half Men" shut down production when Sheen announced he was going into rehab after a bender that ended with him being rushed to a hospital with what his spokesman said were "abdominal pains."
Sheen said he's now completely drug- and alcohol-free, telling Jones: "Here's your first pee test, next one goes in your mouth. No, you won't get high."
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Sheen said he is passing his time with "goddesses" in a "marriage of the heart … of the hearts." Whatever that mean, it apparently doesn't include ex-wife Brooke Mueller, the mother of his twin sons.
"There was a whole firestorm yesterday about Brooke being a part of our crew and let me just say this … where there were four, there are now three," Sheen said. "But bye, Brooke, and good luck on your travels, you're going to need it. Badly."
Sheen compared himself favorably to Jefferson when Jones said after one rant that he sounded like the founding father.
"Well, I'm not Thomas Jefferson. He was a p—y," he said.
He said he felt liberated to be out of AA, which he called a "bootleg cult."
"The only thing I'm addicted to right now is winning," he said. He later added: "I was shackled and oppressed by the horrible cult of AA for 22 years."
Just when it looked like Sheen had left someone out of the tirade, Jones asked Sheen if he considered AA similar to Scientology. Sheen called the latter the "church of the Martian idiot."
Sheen is a longtime friend of Jones, whose show focuses on the host's fear of the government and a looming "New World Order." Sheen has joined Jones in questioning the official government account of the Sept. 11, 2001 attacks.