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Love’s Labour’s Lost: Hollywood Tackles In Vitro Fertilization

The name Lesley Brown probably doesn't mean anything to you. And that's OK. She's a footnote in history as she's the first woman to have a child through in vitro fertilization. In 1978, Mrs. Brown gave birth through a planned Caesarean Section to her daughter, Louise. Last year Lesley and John Brown celebrated Louise's 30th […]

The name Lesley Brown probably doesn't mean anything to you. And that's OK. She's a footnote in history as she's the first woman to have a child through in vitro fertilization. In 1978, Mrs. Brown gave birth through a planned Caesarean Section to her daughter, Louise. Last year Lesley and John Brown celebrated Louise's 30th birthday alongside her husband and 2-year-old son. This is all truly a marvel of modern science. (Louise is shown here with her mom and dad in 2003.)

But leave it up to Hollywood to try to one-up history. In the next nine months, Hollywood will deliver not one but two romantic comedies ("The Backup Plan" and "The Baster") about a beautiful woman who gets artificially inseminated only to have wackiness ensue amidst morning sickness. But let's break them down and see whether these movies are Identical Twins (like Benji and Joel Madden) or Fraternal Twins (like Ashton Kutcher and his twin brother Whatshisface).

Movie Star
The Backup Plan: JENNIFER Lopez
The Baster: JENNIFER Aniston
Analysis: Both got their start in TV (Lopez on "In Living Color," Aniston on "Friends") and their movies have a lifetime gross in excess of $700 million.
Result: Identical Twins

Male Lead
The Backup Plan: Alex O'Laughlin (most likely)
The Baster: Jason Bateman
Analysis: Both actors are cute, have dark hair, blue eyes and were on shows that had cult followings (O'Laughlin on "Moonlight," Bateman on "Arrested Development"). And most importantly, neither will steal the show.
Result: Identical Twins

Method of Artificial Insemination
The Backup Plan: Catheter
The Baster: Turkey Baster
Analysis: The catheter is a proven method of conception while the turkey baster procedure appears to be urban lore (if not completely unsafe).
Result: Fraternal Twins

Ironic Twist
The Backup Plan: She finds Mr. Right just after finding out she's pregnant.
The Baster: The genetic father is her best friend who did a sperm switcharoo. Does he become Mr. Right?
Analysis: Good God, who writes this crap.
Result: Fraternal Twins

Likely Conclusion (I've not read either script)

The Backup Plan: Mother, father and child live happily ever after.
The Baster: Mother, father and child happily ever after [Note: This resulted from audience testing that rejected the first ending where Bateman's character was locked up for being super creepy for the sperm switcharoo.]
Analysis: Like you couldn't see this a mile away.
Result: Identical Twins

Final Analysis
In a nail biter, "The Backup Plan" and "The Baster" are more like Identical Twins than Fraternal Twins. Lucky for us, Nadya Suleman isn't a studio executive.

BIO TempX

Temp X is a writer, producer and a one-time stand-up comic toiling in underemployment. He is the self-anointed King of Hollywood and the mind behind the wildly popular (or so I'd like to think) blog, http://www.tempdiaries.com. The site chronicles his experiences as a temporary assistant in Hollywood. He makes $16/hr working for a CBS subsidiary, but that assignment ends in a week. He can be reached at tempx@tempdiaries.com.