Memo From Bay to Paramount: Wassup?!

FROM THE DESK OF MICHAEL BAY To: Viacom, Paramount, General Haters, Philistines, McGDate: 23 June 2009Re: Where’s the love? Dear Non-believers, Under-miners and Facilitators of Negative Public Zeitgeist, So, what’s the deal? Do you think "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" is like, say, "The Hurt Locker" or "Surveillance"? A little movie that people have to […]

Last Updated: June 23, 2009 @ 6:03 PM

FROM THE DESK OF MICHAEL BAY

To: Viacom, Paramount, General Haters, Philistines, McG
Date: 23 June 2009
Re: Where’s the love?

Dear Non-believers, Under-miners and Facilitators of Negative Public Zeitgeist,

So, what’s the deal? Do you think "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" is like, say, "The Hurt Locker" or "Surveillance"? A little movie that people have to discover by themselves?

With our exposure limited to less than 25,000 billboards worldwide and a sadly limited release of 7,500 screens globally, I’m starting to think so. Again, wassup? Do you want this movie to fail?

In that vein, where is the action-implementation of my synergistic marketing suggestions?

Having Megan as special host of an ultra-sexy edition of “Fox & Friends” in which her friends are Isabel Lucas and Rachael Taylor in lingerie?! My personal market research firm (very firm — haha!) estimated a 12.7% increase in red-state awareness for the film had this been enacted!

Labelling of all junk food with: “This Trans-fat proudly brought to you by the phat Transformers, yo!”

The Michael Bay Middle East Peace Tour ™. Had you put this into effect right now, I’d be in Tehran unveiling a 60-foot Decepticon cut-out. Worldwide tweets — priceless!

And wasn’t the whole agreement to include Transformer testicles in the movie based on my series of "The Price Is Right" comedy sign-offs “Remember to spay and neuter your robots?” Without that tie-in, I look like an idiot!

On the subject of tie-ins, did Philip Roth ever get approached to do the novelization! ANOTHER MISSED OPPORTUNITY!!!

As you know, I’m presently considering retiring from the realm of the movies whose production and marketing budgets are measured in African GNPs and looking to take up more reflective, arthouse projects under my new shingle:

Platinum Prunes

This prod co will be devoted to rebooting some of those dusty, musty “old-people” movies — exploitable properties like "Casablanca" (what if Victor was an assassin robot from the future?); "Gone with the Wind" (get rewrite! It should say, “For shizzle, yo!, I don’t give a f—.” and the red-haired lady should say “My bad!”) and "Citizen Kane" (make him a young playa, starting up a blog).

I’d like to think that Viacom/Paramount will be a valuable marketing partner in getting these timeless tales out to a new generation but the sub-billion marketing spend on Transformers 2 has me, to be frank, worried.

Yours explosively,

MBay

PS: Any notes yet on "Transformers: Salvation of the Resurrected"? I think it hits the character development outta the park! Especially Condom-icon. Funny, right?