Seth Meyers’ First ‘Late Night’ Monologue Takes Shots at 7-Eleven and ‘The Bachelor’ (Video)

TheWrap was in the 30 Rock house on Monday for the former “SNL” star’s debut episode

Last Updated: August 4, 2014 @ 11:17 AM

“Late Night With Seth Meyers” premiered on Monday night, as the former “SNL” head writer and “Weekend Update” anchor welcomed Amy Poehler and Vice President Joe Biden to his new Rockefeller Center Studio 8G set.

Meyers said he would not reinvent the wheel, but just add his own comedic flavor to the 12:35 a.m. timeslot. He did so by kicking off his first show by poking fun at his own claim: “I’m gonna shake stuff up and open this thing with a monologue,” he told the studio audience.

Then he did exactly as promised; exactly as he had perfected in all those years behind the “Weekend Update” desk: Meyers told well-crafted topical jokes about as straightly as a stand-up comedian can.

Also read: Seth Meyers Goes for Craftsmanship Over Flash in ‘Late Night’ Debut

TheWrap was in the house for Meyers’ debut “Late Night” show; below is some of Meyers’ choice Monday monologue material, with the full clip beneath that.

“The Arizona Legislature passed a bill that would allow business owners asserting their religious beliefs to deny service to gay customers. Some businesses have already put up signs that read ‘Nice shirt, nice shoes, no service.'”

“Here’s some interesting science news: Researchers successfully remote-controlled a monkey after installing electrodes into its brain and spine. And that’s the story of how Juan Pablo became ‘The Bachelor.'”

Also read: Seth Meyers on ‘Late Night’ vs. ‘SNL': ‘Craziest Thing Is Just Having to Be on Camera More’

“The brassiere turns 100 years old this week. And so does everyone who still calls it a brassiere.”

“A hunter in Tampa confused a man practicing turkey calls for a deer on Sunday and shot him twice in the arm. Well, it’s like my grandpa always used to say, ‘if it looks like a man and it talks like a turkey, it’s a deer.'”

“Washington DC 7-Eleven stores have begun selling Doritos-coated cheese sticks. Because when 7-Eleven drops food on the floor, they don’t give up.”

See video: Seth Meyers’ ‘SNL’ Castmates Bid Funny Farewell to the New ‘Late Night’ Host

“A Florida man is running for Congress as a write-in candidate at the age of 101 years old. He has a good chance of appealing to younger voters since that’s all there is.”

“A museum in Iceland that features the penises of 93 different species of animal is seeking the donation of a human penis. And only then will Bjork’s new dress be complete.”

Watch the monologue: