Sorry, Lindsay Lohan, Inebriation Plays Bigger Than Kleptomania

But now that Charlie Sheen is making nice with baseball players and saying no to drugs, maybe it’s time to throw more klieg lights on Lady Lohan and her latest courtroom drama

Last Updated: February 17, 2011 @ 8:28 AM

Does anyone really care about this Lindsay Lohan's latest fashion faux pas?

Apparently so, or the tabloids wouldn’t keep harping on this tragedy of epic proportions.

She went to a jewelry store, as she is wont to do in between collagen injections to her lips and touch-ups of her roots.

She took off her own jewelry — or so the reports say — then tried on the alleged purloined bauble and left with it still accenting her tender neck.

Was it a planned heist or a mere oversight? Premeditated kleptomania or honest accidental felony? Who knows?  Who cares? Apparently lots of people, including the jewelry store owners whose own recollection of the event is slightly askew.

It’s now in the hands of the judges, who also have her other charges to consider when passing judgment. You remember those inconvenient incidents, of course.

Something about a DUI or other.

Just your basic starlet’s daily routine.

But the drama! The details! The he said, she said … or forgot to say. The outfit!

She wore white to court (to represent her innocence, claimed some tabloid or other).

Maybe she just liked the way her bronzed skin looked against a pale frock. Can’t this story be told straight and uninterrupted?

Oh sorry, I forget, this is Hollywood drama, where the inebriated get top billing and the mere shoplifter is second lead story.

Now that Charlie Sheen is making nice with baseball players and saying no to drugs, it’s time to throw more klieg lights on Lady Lohan.  

There must be a movie in this little tale! At least a short story. Oh wait, there was a story, written in 1884 by Guy de Maupassant.

Of course, we all remember this from our French literature class. This famous O. Henry-like tale was penned in 1884 by Guy de Maupassant. There was a necklace involved and some greed and somebody got her comeuppance, remember?

The best way for Lady Lohan’s story to end would duplicate the ending of de Maupassant’s sneaky tale. (Spoiler alert) We discover the necklace was a knock-off after all, the charge is no longer a felony and Lindsay is vindicated.

And then we’ll wait for Charlie Sheen to get back in touch with his favorite hookers.

Naomi Serviss has covered Broadway, celebrities, lavish resorts and high-end spas. Based in New York City, she's still hooked on Hollywood.